


After You RIREN // ERERI

by Satan_Loves_Yaoi



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Apocalypse, BoyxBoy, Daddy Kink, Flashback, I mean, Kinda, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Road Trip, Violence, Yaoi, Zombie AU, as good as you can be during the apocalypse., but i promise youll love him by the end, eren is a druggie, everybody - Freeform, everybody fucking dies, except hanji, if you don't want to have everything you know and love be destroyed dont read this, it was worse than romeo and juliet i swear to fucking god, levi is a douche canoe, seriously, student teacher relationship, they're alllll good, this was also really unintentionally poorly timed, unedited verson. there is not an edited version, video diaries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-24
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2020-10-27 05:30:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 34
Words: 52,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20755115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Satan_Loves_Yaoi/pseuds/Satan_Loves_Yaoi
Summary: (Zombie! AU) In a post apocalyptic world, Levi Ackerman is left with nothing but an empty shotgun and video logs from his deceased lover.





	1. ADD THIS SHIT TO YOUR LIBRARIES... LIKE, RIGHT NOW

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Heichou_Anna](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heichou_Anna/gifts).

Hey guys, it's me. Take a moment to add this book to your libraries and get hyped because chapter one drops on October 1st!

WARNING. It was sad as fuck to write, so it will probably be sad as fuck to read. That noted, it's also pretty violent and gory. I mean, not that I have an issue with that kinda shit, but y'all might.

Halloween is my favorite holiday, so this is kind of a Halloween Special story. So. Yeah. Kay, bye.


	2. Prologue

The distant sound of twigs snapping wakes me from my sleep. I silently sit up, grabbing my backpack and my gun and climbing up the trunk of the nearest tree. Crouching in the branches, I watch the pack of the infected search where I had been just a minute prior. I can see my breath in the brisk autumn air. Winter is coming. Muffled growls and raspy breathing surrounds my tree as I look down at the dark figures swarming beneath me. I have been completely on my own for about thirty six hours, the last of my group infected with the disease that had completely destroyed our country. I am in Utah, trying to work my way to California, where hopeful rumors of safe zones led me. I need to get through the colder states before winter sets in, well aware that I will not survive the winter if I stay where I am.

Stuck in some woods outside of Salt Lake City, cornered by a pack of infected, I realize how alone I really am. I search my pack for some ammunition, rifling through my sparse belongings, I come up with nothing. My gun is officially useless. I realize that until I can restock on supplies, I will have to rely on hand-to-hand combat. I grip the handle of my machete and count the number of infected directly beneath me. Four. 

The odds aren't promising, but I had taken on more than that by myself before, so I shimmy out to the end of the branch I was on, lithely dropping to the ground behind the infected. I plunge my knife into the back of the first, probably a young man when he was infected. Unsheathing my machete from his wrinkled skin, he lets out a feral hiss when his black blood begins to spray me. The others look over to me, no humanity left in their glossy white eyes. The disease had taken its course in them long before they found me. They had probably been a few of the first to turn in the state. I kick at the injured man as the other three rush me. Fending them off with my knife and the butt of my shotgun, I'm able to injure them enough that I can plunge my blade into their diseased hearts. Normally, I can just shoot to kill, but knife fights are a little more complicated than blowing them away with a gun. 

"You little bitches," I mutter, wiping my blade on the dead leaves on the forest floor. "Disgusting." Sticking my knife back into my backpack, I start walking towards the city where I will hopefully be able to stock up before continuing west. Making my way through the darkness in the trees, I can see the dark outlines of buildings in the distance. Logan was a dud for supplies, and had killed off everybody that I had left, except for my right hand man, Hanji, who I couldn't find anywhere when I fled the town. We had parted ways during an argument about where to get supplies in that city. She, of course, had been right. Raiding the mall had been a suicide mission. I had gotten my entire group killed trying to raid that mall for supplies.

"Shoulda listened, huh?" I whisper. I wish she was with me at the moment, trying to help me figure out what to do with myself now that he's gone. I figure I will meet up with her again somewhere on the way to Los Angeles, one of the only clean cities left. If she was able to make it out of Logan at all. Our plan had been to follow I-15 all the way into the LA basin, which was rumored to be free of infection. From what I knew, there was evacuation ships leaving every three months out of the harbors in Los Angeles.

Quietly jogging towards the forsaken freeway, I start into Salt Lake City. Looking for a district that seemed untouched, I climb over the freeway dividers and start down the freeway towards an old gas station. Looping my rope through the windows of a forgotten SUV, eternally parked on the bridge of the expressway, I push my rope through the passenger window, and pull it through the window directly behind it. I tie the rope to itself, using the dead car as an anchor as I lower off of the freeway and onto the roof of the gas station. I scan the area for infected, finding nothing, before I hop down off the roof of the building, leaving my rope in the windows of the vehicle, for when I continue on my way. I bust the window of the convenience store with my elbow. I am in utter heaven as I find canned food and granola bars, covered in thick layers of dust lining the shelves. It didn't seem like anybody had been here in a long time, not even the infected. Long enough that the front door was jammed when I tried to open it.

I figure I can spend the rest of the night here if I want to, so I crawl behind the cashier counter, sitting up against the wall and closing the door that blocks it off from the rest of the store. Once, the bars had protected against robbers, but now the bars protect from everyday people, infected with a plague that ate their minds until they were nothing more than rabid dogs, shells of the people they once were. I close my eyes and unsuccessfully try to get some more precious sleep, too rattled to catch anymore shut eye for the night. I let out a sigh, knowing what I have to do.

I suppose it isn't mandatory, but more of a personal need. I need to watch his video journal. I look through my bag and pick up the old, battery powered camera, holding it in my hands, trying to feel any bit of him that's left on his ancient camera. I run my fingers across the smooth black screen, pressing the button to power it on. It flutters to life, the twitter of the lens opening itself and the screen waking up for the first time in God knows how long.

"Let's see whatcha got here, little brat," I whisper sadly to myself, opening his gallery and clicking back to the beginning of his camera roll. Flipping through some pictures of himself and his sister from what looked like a family vacation from before the world went to hell, I find his first video. Hovering my thumb over the play button, I take a deep breath and start the video.


	3. Chapter 1

_"Something crazy's going down," Eren said into the camera, a concerned look in his bright green eyes. "We don't have school today. Which is great news! I don't have to take that stupid math test for Mr. Ackerman! But yeah, some kinda disease is spreading around, and they don't want us getting each other sick."_

_"Ooh. Bet?" A female voice said from off camera. "It's probably anthrax. We're all gonna die." The camera panned over to Eren's adopted sister, Mikasa, who was eating a sandwich on the couch beside him. She shoved him away from her and looked away from the camera, opening her hand over her face to hide her features._

_"Okay, first of all, fuck you," Eren snickered. "Second, I'm serious! Turn on the news." He pointed the camera at the television. It powered on and switched to the local news channel._

_"Mysterious Viral Outbreak," Mikasa read out loud. "Highly contagious. Huh." There was a pause in the conversation as they focused on the footage from a news helicopter. "Oh shit, Eren, did you see that?!" She suddenly exclaimed._

_"What?" Eren asked his voice raising a couple of octaves, the stress evident in his voice. "What was it?"_

_"Look at the chopper footage! Those guys are eating other people! They're - oh shit! He just jumped up! Look, look, look! Do you see that? That dead guy just jumped up and is literally going apeshit! Is that the virus? That looks like where Mom and Dad work!"_

_"Call them right now!" Eren demanded._

_"Already on it," Mikasa answered from off camera._

_The news footage cut to a reporter in the studio, who had a terrified look in her eyes as she tried to keep a straight face for the public. "A new mutation of the rabies virus is running rampant through the east coast. If bitten by an infected individual in the neck, one will almost instantly become infected, the most acute symptoms presenting themselves immediately. If the victim is bitten anywhere else on the body, symptoms present themselves more slowly, the virus taking over the nervous system and brain function after anywhere between an hour and a day. There is no cure as of this moment, so if you spot anybody acting strange, twitching, or behaving rabidly, remove yourself from the area immediately and report the sighting to the police. Keep yourselves safe out there. Back to you, Daniel."_

_The television switched off and Eren flipped the camera back around to his face. "Well, I'm gonna go get the guns from the safe. I think we need to get out of here in case any of these buggers tries to get to us here. Have Mom and Dad answered?"_

_Mikasa shook her head grimly, a frightened look in her eyes. "I'm scared, Eren."_

_"Me too, Mika, but we need to leave. Pack a backpack. We need to get out of town, we'll pick up Mom and Dad on our way out," Eren instructed._

_"Do you know the code to the safe, though?" Mikasa asked, folding her arms._

_"Yeah, I saw Dad punch it in one time when he took Mom to the range. I'll be back. Get some food that won't go bad. And jackets. I dunno, shit we'll need. God knows what's gonna happen. We may never make it back here. Go! Now! We don't have time to stand around, Mikasa!" Eren turned the camera back to himself. "I'll be back." _

The video ends, taking me back to the full gallery. I tip my head back, gently hitting it against the wall beneath the counter. I squeeze my eyes shut and turn the camera off. I can't take anymore tonight.

My thoughts are flooded with memories from before. He looked so clean, so happy, so young compared to the broken, disheveled corpse I had left in the shopping mall a day ago with a hole in his head and a bite in his hand. I didn't even have time to bury him properly. I play with a key that rests on a chain around my neck, trying to calm myself. Biting my lip to keep it from trembling, I try my hardest to push the burning tears away. I had taken the key from around his neck when I had taken the camera. Thinking about him is almost unbearable, but I can't seem to keep my mind off of him. I try to direct my thoughts back to the happy times with him.

I snort as I remember how much that little bastard hated my math class. He would do whatever he could to get out of my homework. He was a film nerd, in the photography club. Not a math person in the slightest. I wonder how much warm alcohol is still in the useless refrigerators in the back of the store as I sit here, thinking about the brat. His messy brown hair, brilliant green eyes, his warm smile. I start to lose it a little, my grip on my emotions wavering. The love of my life is dead. I'll never see those green eyes again.

"Fuck," I breathe, trying to hold it together. "I did this to you. I'm sorry." I'm shaking now as I try to suppress the tears. "C-come back," I whisper, pulling my knees to my chest, hugging them tight to my body, but nothing could ever replace the feeling of his body on mine. "Come back to me, Baby. _Please_. I can't do this without you." I have a ghost of an expectation that he'll walk in any second from now, a scowl on his face and a rant as to why it isn't okay to leave people in creepy malls overnight. But the logic in me knows that won't happen. 

My brain brings me back to a memory of before, my entire being dissolving into the past as Eren's green eyes rattle me in my math class.

"Jaeger! Listen up! Stop napping in my class, brat," I spat at him. "You're gonna fail this test and it's gonna be nobody's fault but your own."

"But I don't _care_ about math," Eren spat. "I'm not exactly gonna use it in my career. Can I go?"

Lord have mercy on my soul. I dragged a hand down my face. "No. You may not. And unless you plan on joining a knitting circle in the library, your career will involve math to some extent. Even the little old ladies knitting socks need to count the rows they have! So, yes. You will always need mathematics young man, but congratulations, you've earned yourself detention. Stay here after class. I'll escort you myself."

"Or not," the young man snapped, standing from his seat and grabbing his backpack. "Pythagoras can suck my ass!" He stormed out of the room, closing the door loudly behind him. I sighed, knowing somebody would have to call his parents. If I could just get through to the brat, he wouldn't be in so much scholastic trouble all the time. 

He was an excellent student in every class but mine, math not exactly being his best subject. He had had F's in his math ever since the second grade, apparently, and I took it upon myself to make him the best mathematician in his junior class. I knew that meant he would have to pass up Artlert, but I had always been a stubborn bastard. I was gonna get him good at math if they had to fire me for corporal punishment.

I finished my lecture about a half an hour early, giving my class some free time to start on the homework. Walking up to Eren's sister I lightly knocked on her desk. "Tell your brother to get his ass back to class right now, or he'll be scrubbing it floor to ceiling." I wasn't even totally sure that was in my jurisdiction to threaten, but goddammit, that brat had to learn some math this year. Mikasa's eyes widened as she quickly shot a text to her brother.

"You're kind of an ass to him. Like, all the time," she piped up. "You never punish any of your other students for sleeping in class and stuff."

"Nobody else sleeps in my class," I answered back quickly. "And everybody else turns in their homework."

"That's a funny joke. You always antagonize my brother, and it isn't fair. You're like one of those boys in kindergarten that bullies his crush," she hissed, folding her muscular arms. The fact of the matter was, Mikasa and I looked more like siblings than she and Eren did. Same jet black hair, same steely grey eyes, same obsession with a certain teenage boy. She was obsessed with protecting him, and I was obsessed with giving him a passing grade. I didn't want to hold him back. He had enough going wrong in his life with his parent's impending divorce and his mother's drinking problem. I had frequent chats with him and the guidance counselor, trying to figure out why he refused my class so blatantly. He and I got along just fine outside of class, but as soon as class started, he was a different person. Mikasa and I had a very on-and-off type of relationship. Normally we could joke around during class, but sometimes, she was very hard to get along with.

I scoffed at her comment. "I promise, if it was like that, the kid would _know_."

"Gross," Mikasa groaned. "He's coming back. He says five minutes."

"I appreciate it. You're a good sister to him," I said, uncharacteristically complimenting her before I was dragged back into the dark convenience store, sobbing into my knees again. I wasn't sure if I would make it to California at the rate my mental health was deteriorating. I wasn't sure if I would even find Hanji before I did the unthinkable.


	4. Chapter 2

The bright sun wakes me up into a pleasant hangover. It had been too much to handle the night before, so I drank the stale alcohol until I passed out, clutching a bottle in one fist, and his camera in the other. I sit up from a pool of spilled beer and pinch the bridge of my nose to suppress the splitting headache I am experiencing. The sunshine burns my eyes, but I know I have to continue on, at least until I find some ammo to put in my pack. I have to restock, or find a new gun. I have had the same shotgun since my twenty first birthday. It would be a shame to finally lay it to rest. Groaning, I stand up behind the counter and am stunned as I come face to face with an infected woman, her face pressed up against the security bars, her wide soulless eyes staring into mine. Thank God my drunk self had remembered to close the door behind me on my last trip to get beer, or I'd be a dead man, not that that mattered much anymore.

"What's up?" I asked mockingly, knowing that she didn't understand me at all. The infection had taken away her humanity, her brain no longer functioning past basic needs. I looked at her stringy hair, matted in clumps around her skull. She had thin skin covering her muscles, but it wasn't anything to speak of. Her cloudy white eyes were rid of any real intellect long ago. What was odd about her was how calm she was. Typically, the infected were incredibly energetic, but this one just stared. It was evident she had been watching me sleep as well. Infected people didn't do that. I stared closely at her, scrutinizing her as she gazed back calmly. I had no way to kill her through the bars without running the risk of being infected myself. My gun was useless, and my machete required hand to hand contact.

I sighed sadly, sitting back down, looking at the mound of empty bottles and cans littered around me from the previous night. I would have to wait her out. Eventually, she would leave me alone in my grief. Hopefully. I figured it would be a while before the infected woman left me, so I turned on Eren's camera, hoping the daylight would make it easier for me to process.

I found Eren's second entry and pressed play.

_ "Okay, so everything's in hell, right about now," the boy said, red faced and swaddled in a hoodie, his tired head tipped up against the glass of a school bus window, houses and fields rushing past as the bus drove onward. "It's day three of the outbreak, and Mikasa and I are officially orphans. We were able to meet up with some classmates and teachers at the high school before we stole a school bus and left town. We siphon gas as we go, but it's kinda conspicuous driving cross country in a big ass yellow school bus," he sniffed, wiping his eyes on the sleeve of his hoodie. "There are eleven of us right now. The kids are me, Mikasa, Armin, Jean, Marco, Annie, Sasha, and Connie. The adults are Mr. Smith, the principal; Mr. Ackerman, our math teacher; and Ms. Zoe, the school nurse. The eight of us were hiding in a classroom at the school from a swarm of infected when the three of them took out the entire group, busting in, completely armed. Mr. Smith had a baseball bat with barbed wire around it, Ms. Zoe had a Glock 9, and Mr. Ackerman had a fucking shotgun! How cool is that?" He panned the camera across the bus, showing Erwin driving with Hanji sitting next to him, Annie, Sasha, and Connie asleep in various rows of the bus and me. My arms were crossed and my head was tipped back against the wall of the bus. I was slouched against the wall, as Eren's camera lingered on me, zooming in on my shotgun resting beside me before turning the camera back towards his face, a goofy grin playing on his lips. _

_ "Shut up, Eren, and stop ogling about Mr. Ackerman's gun," Mikasa grumbled. _

_ "That's not the only one of Mr. Ackerman's shafts he's drooling on," Jean poked from off camera. It was surreal to hear all of their voices again. _

_ "Ew!" Eren screamed at the same time I piped up. _

_ "Excuse me?!" I heard my own voice exclaim from somewhere out of the frame. "You shitty brats need to learn to keep your pants zipped and your minds out of the fucking gutter. Fucking disgusting." Eren, looked away from the camera, a bright red blush lighting up his face before he spun the camera around, focusing on me snapping at Jean. I turned towards the camera, pointing a stern finger at the cameraman."You too, brat." _

_ "It wasn't me! That's nasty!" Eren cried from behind the camera. I looked over to him and folded my arms. _

_ "It better not have been, Jaeger," I spat, glaring just above the camera, probably making eye contact with the brat.  _

_ "Hey, everybody," I heard Marco's small voice pipe up, "Let's settle down. There are a lot of nerves right now. Everybody's pretty shaken up, and most of us have lost people in the last couple of days, that we're all working on mourning. Jean, come here," Marco said softly. "You've probably had it the worst. What this virus has put you through is unimaginable." _

_ Jean stood up, tears in his eyes, shuffling over to Marco and collapsing in his arms. Marco patted his back, affection and empathy in his warm brown eyes. "I love you, man," Jean wept bitterly. "You're the best friend I could have asked for. I'm so glad you're okay. I'm glad you're here with us. I'm glad all of you are here with us. I'm sorry-" _

_ "Hey, shh," Marco sighed, pulling Jean closer to his body. "It's okay, Jean. Just sit down." I had no idea how none of us caught onto the relationship between those two until several months later. Marco guided Jean's defeated, slouched body towards the back of the bus, letting go so he would lay down. Jean fell into the back seat, landing softly, as Marco sat at his feet, rubbing his friend's knee.  _

_ "Mikasa, I need a hug," Eren whispered. _

_ "Put the camera away, and I'll give you all the hugs you want," Mikasa answered quietly. Eren flipped the camera back towards himself and his sister. _

_ "I miss Mom and Dad," he wept, burying his face into Mikasa's shoulder. _

_ "Me too," Mikasa agreed, turning off Eren's camera. _

I blink back the tears as the melancholy video replays in my head, the candid clip of pure grief fucking with me. I used to be such a hard ass, not having cried at all in at least a decade. I have cried more in the past two days than I have in my entire life. I came to the sudden conclusion that I would never get over this. Eren was gone, and that was too much for my heart to handle. I burst into tears yet again, unable to push them back anymore. I felt pure, heart wrenching rage, as I looked up at the infected woman silently staring at me.

"Fuck you!" I screamed at the infected woman. "You did this to him!" I wasn't thinking clearly as I sobbed, hunched over my knees. The woman simply stared at my display, unwavering. I kept crying, loud sobs wracking my entire body. "No," I whispered, my breath hitching. "I did this to him. This is m-my fault." I pressed play on the next video, trying to forget about the bitter reality I was facing.


	5. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. Sorry, I've been sitting on the rest of this story for a while, and decided to finish posting it. Just Five Days to come soon.

_ "Not gonna be a long video today, but we finally had to leave the bus. It's been a week. We ran into a couple that's headed to California. Apparently they have quarantine zones, and evacuation ships. All we need to do is make it to LA-" _

_ "That's easier said than done, brat," I heard my voice say as the shot panned over to me walking next to Eren. The entire group was walking along a forsaken freeway, probably still in New England, judging by the greenery. "Have you ever walked across the country before?" _

_ "No, but-"  _

_ "No buts, have you ever walked across the damn country, Eren?" I demanded aggressively. My dark red tie was loose around my neck, the top three buttons undone on my once white dress shirt. _

_ "No," he mumbled, glowering at me. _

_ "Stop being such a dick to him!" Mikasa snapped at me. "You need to leave him alone. Oh shit! Infected! Three o'clock!" Eren dropped the camera, the lens looking directly up as he grabbed his AR from his backpack, clipping the magazine in and opening fire on the swarm of infected. I heard Hanji and Mikasa's handguns going off. I could also hear my Mossberg 500 pump action going off. It must have been a big group of them if I felt the need to use my shotgun.  _

_ "Fuck!" Jean exclaimed, out of breath. "They just keep fuckin' coming! Marco get outta the fucking way!" _

_ I heard a battle cry come out of Annie as we kept gunning them down. Annie was the only other person with a gun. She, like Eren, had an AR-15, although she was a much better marksman than he was. Finally, the shooting ceased and Eren picked the camera up, sweat on his face and fear in his endless green eyes. _

_ "Well. That was intense," Eren muttered, mania lacing his words as he talked to himself. "There was a kid in that group. I shot him. I shot a kid. He couldn't have been older than, like ten. Fuck, I killed a kid." _

_ "Eren," Erwin said softly, patting the brunette boy's shoulder. "You did what you had to do. I'm sorry you had to do that, though, kiddo." _

_ "Yeah, that's rough, man," Connie said consolingly as Marco pulled Eren into a hug. _

_ The camera angle dropped in defeat, the lens coming into contact with Eren's leg. Eren was being swarmed, but not by infected. He was being swarmed by comrades, trying to comfort him and get him through his hysteria. _

_ "My poor Eren-baby," Hanji cooed as the green eyed boy shut the camera off. _

We all dealt with a lot of shit as we walked the lonely freeways. We didn't have much else to do other than talk among ourselves and process trauma internally. Sometimes we would encounter other people as well, but we didn't stop and talk much past asking if anybody had seen infected recently.

"Hey, Mr. Ackerman?" I heard Eren's weak voice ask me. I looked up at him, raising an eyebrow, willing him to continue.

"You can call me Levi at this point, brat. School etiquette doesn't really apply anymore," I muttered back.

"Well I was just wondering about something," He said quietly, the recent trauma evident in his eyes as they searched mine for answers.

"I'm listening," I answered flatly, folding my arms. The kid had been wandering around the group, chatting with each member about various subjects. He talked about mostly light things, easy subjects, trying to avoid anything that might strike nerves with his friends.

"Am I a bad person?" He asked quickly before he could lose his confidence.

"Huh?" I asked, not sure how to respond. He certainly hadn't discussed human morality with any of the other members of our group.

"Like, for shooting that kid, does that make me a bad person?" It had weighed on his mind since it happened. A fool could have noticed the toll it was taking on him. He was quieter, didn't eat, didn't sleep. He and I would sit up all night together and talk about math. I had severe insomnia, and the only way I would let the kid sit guard with me was if I could lecture him on mathematics.

I sighed, shaking my head at the bratty teenager. "I'm not really one you should be asking about morals, but I wouldn't call you a bad person. Why ask me, though? I'm not exactly a Saint."

Eren shrugged. "I dunno, I just felt the most comfortable asking you."

"Why? What about your sister?" I asked, looking at him through the corner of my eye.

"Mikasa likes to shelter me. If anybody would tell me how it was, it would be you," he said, trembling like a dead leaf on a sugar maple. "Everybody else would just try to make me feel better, but you talk to me honestly, even if you know it'll hurt."

"Maybe so," I said stoically. "But, no. I don't think that makes you a bad person. That boy wasn't a person anymore, and you shot him to save people who still are, likely thanks to you. If you had missed, I had my gun on him. One of us would have shot him, no matter what happened. It just happened to be you. And, that sucks, but it's reality. You're gonna have to shoot a lot more people if you wanna make it to LA with the rest of us. Sorry it's hard for you right now. You'll get used to it, eventually. I promise. You're still a good person, in my eyes, for what that's worth."

"Actually, that's worth a lot, Levi. Thank you," he said warmly, a drop of resolution taking root in his stormy ocean eyes. "And I think you're a good person, too."

I gasped quietly at his high opinion of me. That wasn't something I heard a lot. "That would make you one of the first," I murmured. "Now go away unless you wanna talk about algebra," I snapped, uncomfortable.

"No! Absolutely not!" Eren exclaimed, scurrying off, back towards his best friend. "Armin! What's up?!" He cried, trying to get out of an impromptu math class, as I pondered what the kid had just told me. He thought I was a good person. Me, Levi Ackerman, a good person. Unthinkable.


	6. Chapter 4

_ "I'm so sick of all this bullshit!" Eren snapped, glaring into the camera as he sat in a dark tent. "Everybody keeps telling me that it'll be okay! "Just keep pushing on, Eren." It's a fucking load. I don't wanna keep pushing on. Mom and Dad are dead, and we're just sitting around like  _ fucking cattle _ waiting to get killed or infected. The only person with any kind of real world view is Mr. Ackerman, but I don't talk to him much unless its about fucking ALGEBRA! He's so infuriating, but he's the only sane one here! I'm tired. I kinda want them to just leave me, and go be optimists somewhere else. It's only been two weeks, and I'm already ready to die." _

_ "Don't say that! You'll never make it to LA with that attitude," Mikasa chimed in from outside Eren's tent. _

_ "Fuck you! Argh! I can't get  _ five minutes  _ to myself. Go the fuck away, Mikasa!" He shouted. "Don't fucking talk to me!" _

_ "Jeez," Mikasa grumbled, the sound of her retreating footsteps quieting as she walked towards the fire. _

_ "Everybody says it's okay that I shot that kid, and I can't deal with it. I don't know what to do," Eren said quietly, his voice suddenly thick with tears. "It's not okay. It's not." _

_ "Open up, Jaeger," I heard my voice say flatly. _

_ "N-no," he sniffed, quickly wiping his eyes, and taking deep breaths to avoid me noticing his tears. _

_ "Yes," I spat, unzipping his tent and climbing inside. "Do you want this open or closed?" I gestured to the door of the tent. _

_ "Closed. I don't wanna sleep with bugs," Eren replied, trying to calm his shaky voice. I zipped up the door to his tent and sat down, crossing my legs. _

_ "Okay, listen, brat, we can all hear you out there. They elected me to go talk to you because you seem the least pissed at me. For the last fucking time, kid, shooting that boy doesn't make you a bad person. I woulda shot him in a heartbeat. He was running straight at you. I wasn't gonna let him take you out, you fucking idiot. You really need to get a fucking clue, and suck it the fuck up. None of us are fucking optimistic right now, dickmoth! Just cuz the rest of 'em are trying to fake it 'till they make it, doesn't mean for a second that any one of us is happy with the way things are. All we're trying to do is survive until we get to LA, and that's exactly what you should be trying to do." _

_ "But- but-" Eren stuttered before I cut him off again." _

_ "No! You don't get to argue with me. You know I'm right. You have no reason to snap at your sister like that! That's fucked up, talking to your only ride and die like that. You made her fucking cry! She would give her whole fucking world for you, and here you fuckin' are talking shit on her. Talking shit on all of us. Turn off the fuckin' camera and listen to me for a second!" My eyes shot over to the camera and hit the power button. _

I remember exactly what happened after I shut the brat's camera off. 

"The hell is wrong with you? Where do you think that it's okay to make your flesh and blood cry like that? If I had any kinda fuckin' family left, I'd treat 'em with a helluva lot more respect than you have for your sister. Jesus Christ."

Eren stared at me with wide eyes. "I-"

"Shut up and let it sink in for a second," I snapped at the wounded look in his eyes. He bit his lip to keep it from trembling. "They sent Levi 'hard ass' Ackerman to be on the 'calm down committee.' Are you calmer? Did my yelling shut you up a little?"

"Sure," he muttered, still obviously offended.

"Good," I remarked quietly, taking a deep breath and slouching, still staring into his tormented emerald eyes. "Don't you ever talk to your sister like that again, or you're gonna have to deal with a lot more than a stern talking to from me."

"Okay! Jesus, why do you care so much?"

"Because I'm trying to teach you human decency! It shouldn't fucking matter why I care, it should be about being nice to people that obviously care about you! Like your fucking sister! Like Ms. Zoe! Like Armin! Like fucking  _ me _ !"

Eren gasped as the tears began to spill out of the corners of his wide eyes. "Oh."

"Yeah, "oh" is right. Eren, we all care about you so much, and want nothing more than for you to be happy, but if you're just gonna resent us for it, let me know, and we'll all move on. Stop wasting our time. We can take our optimism elsewhere, if that's what you want." His soft crying had been working him up until he couldn't hold it back anymore.

"I'm sorry," he sobbed.

"Don't apologize to me. My feelings aren't hurt," I answered back, standing and reaching for the zipper on his tent.

"Wait. Don't go," Eren whispered, gripping my pant leg in his weak fist. I stepped away from the door and sat down again.

"What do you need?" I asked, folding my arms.

"A hug," Eren whimpered, reaching out towards me.

"I don't do hugging," I answered, slapping his wrists away from me. "Go hug Armin if you want to cuddle with somebody. As it is, I'll sit here for as long as you need me to, but if you're looking for hugs, I'm not your guy."

"Okay," he sighed, planting his forehead into his knees and wrapping his arms around his knees. "I'm sorry for being so shitty, Levi." I felt an unusual temptation to pat his soft brown hair.

"Thanks. But like I said, my feelings aren't hurt. I understand why you're angry. You're just lashing out at the wrong people. If you wanna get angry, get mad at me. Punch me, kick me, scream at me. I can take it. Mikasa can't. She's softer than you realize, kid. She puts up a good fuckin' front for you, trying to protect you and shit, but she's just as scared, and depressed, and angry as you are. All of us are."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Ackerman. I didn't mean to hurt her. I just get so angry, because everybody is dealing with this bullshit so much better than I am. I feel so weak."

"It's Levi, kid," I corrected gently, patting his shoulder as he wept. I figured patting his head was too intimate, so I went for the shoulder like Erwin had a week prior. "But, I'm sorry I made you upset, Eren. You just need to understand that we all care about you a lot, and some of us can't take as much shit as you dish out to them. You're a good kid, brat, and you are  _ not _ fucking weak. I have to remind you, though, if you're gonna take shit out, take it out on somebody who knows how to deal with it. That would be me,  _ maybe _ Erwin, and that's about it. I would say Annie, but she'd throat punch you so fast. I promise, if you just get it through your thick skull how much we care about you, especially your sister, you'll be a lot happier. Or at least more, quote, optimistic."

"Thanks. I care about you guys, too. Thank you for being here with me. It means a lot. You're really cool, Levi, for the record. And also this is the most I've ever heard you talk." 

"It means a lot to hear that. More than you'll ever comprehend. Lemme just finish by reminding you that none of us are happy, but the others just try to keep a smile on their faces. I don't, just because I didn't smile, even before the world fell apart. But, I know it would mean the world to Mikasa if you would start smiling again." I decided to give a little and run my fingers along his scalding cheeks. He leaned into my hand gratefully as he continued to cry, grabbing the hand on his face desperately.

Eren sat and cried for a long time, and I sat there with him to keep him from doing anything stupid. Eventually, he cried himself to sleep, and after wiping away the brat's tears, I kept watch over him through the night, just to make sure that he would be okay. I wasn't lying when I told him we were all scared. All of us were shaking in our boots. None of us were expecting what was about to happen next.


	7. Chapter 5

I sigh, taking a break from the memories that tormented me as I stand to check on the infected woman. She is still staring at me with her empty, glazed eyes, complete tranquility in her being. Slowly, almost without my noticing, her eyes lock onto mine. I shake my head, stepping back, the hangover getting to me. I rifle through my light backpack and find the fresh pack of cigarettes I had snagged while we were walking through Colorado. I pull a match out of the matchbox and take the cig between my index and middle fingers. Striking the match against the box, I am able to make a small flame to light the Marlboro. The fire catching on my cigarette, I put the match out and stick the cigarette between my lips. Taking a long drag, I try to forget about everything that's happening. The fact that I was trapped behind the cashier counter until the infected woman decided to move on with her life, or whatever was left of it. The fact that Eren wasn't there with me. The fact that nobody was. 

I don't even bother to take the cigarette out of my mouth to exhale. I just puffed on it until I could taste the filter. Spitting out the butt and stomping it out under my boot, I sigh, my lungs burning. I want to cough, but I won't give myself the satisfaction. Instead, I just keep breathing. After the butt is completely extinguished, I sigh, wanting another one. I mutter quiet curses to myself as I light a second cigarette, puffing on it despairingly. My shoulders slumped in defeat, and I rested my chin on my knees, inhaling and exhaling the nicotine.

"Hold it together," I whispered to myself, my words warped a little because of the cigarette between my lips. My breathing was uneven as I took long drags from the Marlboro Red. Addicted more to seeing Eren again than even to cigarettes, I started another video.

_ "So, we buried Annie today," Eren said quietly with glossy eyes. His tent was a little dirtier than it had been in the last video, but still intact nonetheless. "She got bit, trying to kick an infected guy away from her. She plugged the guy between the eyes and shot herself without a word. She didn't even hesitate. Levi could have probably saved her, but he wasn't in our group while we raided stores. None of us was fast enough to take him out before he finished charging her." _

_ Eren paused, taking a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves. _

_ "We buried her before we passed Cincinnati. God. I really don't know what to do. The whole world is falling apart, and it's only day twenty, I think. She was one of the strongest we had, and she's dead. This is fucked up. She was a cold asshole, but she was my friend. We grew up together. We were classmates. I remember one time, we were sparring and she took me to the ground in, like, half a second. She was kind of a badass. People keep telling me to look at the positives, so that's what I'm doing. It's really shitty you had to die so young, Annie, but you were cool as fuck. I'm sorry," he was cut off by a quiet sob. Slowly regaining his composure, he continued. "Nobody was supposed to die. I don't want anybody to die. Nobody else will die on me. I will avenge Annie. I will avenge my parents! None of you will have died in vain!" Eren sighed. "It might be a while before I add another entry. I need some time to process everything before I rant about it to a video camera. Bye."  _

The video is over. I close my eyes, trying to think back to that time period. I remember burying Annie. Everybody cried, except for me. Eren clung to Mikasa like his life depended on it. He didn't let her leave his sight for nearly a month. He was scared shitless that something would happen to her next. The new compilation of trauma certainly didn't help his insomnia at all. If the brat ever got any sleep to begin with, he wasn't getting a single wink anymore. We would stay up all night together. Normally I'd get two or three hours of sleep at the end of the night, but I couldn't leave Eren alone for that long. He was on the verge of completely shattering, and I didn't want it to happen while I was off sleeping and completely ignoring him. I felt like it was my duty, as the only one who could function properly on such little sleep to stay up and watch him.

He would cry to me about everything, and I'd sit silently and listen. I wasn't good with emotion, let alone helping a teenager process trauma. I was about as interactive as a brick wall, but my presence seemed to soothe him a little bit, so I stayed up, every night for about a week. At the end of that, we were both utterly delirious, stumbling as we walked along the freeway and both of us about a thousand times more irritable.

"Fuck!" I snapped as I tripped over my own two feet, stumbling and catching myself on the freeway divider. "What the fucking fuck?!" I wanted to go apeshit and start beating the ever loving savior out of anything within about a hundred feet of me. I knew I was over tired, and just wanting to collapse on the freeway and die, but that didn't make me feel any better.

"I think we should set up camp a little early," Erwin suggested, helping me walk in a straight line with his hands on my shoulders. "You and Eren could use some sleep. And also, it looks like that storm is headed for us."

I nodded gratefully as we climbed off of the freeway. We began pitching our tents and misty rain started to come down. I hastened my tent pitching and finally crawled inside, dropping my pack and laying down.

"Uh, Levi?" I heard a voice ask. Eren knocked on the noisy tent fabric while he waited for a response.

"Mm?" I replied lazily.

"I don't wanna sleep," he said quietly.

"Why the hell not?" I groaned, rubbing my eyes.

"I-I'm scared something bad's gonna happen if I fall asleep. Sleeping makes me feel alone." I sat up and unzipped the door to the tent, peeking out of the rain fly at the exhausted boy standing before me. His dark circles looked like black eyes from being punched in the face. His cheeks were hollow, and his eyes were glossy from the lack of rest. 

"You're not alone, brat. We're all here."

"But I mean, like, with me in the tent."

"I'm sure Mikasa would go sit with you while you got some sleep," I suggested, hoping he would leave me alone so that I could get a few hours of my own sleep.

"Mikasa is mad at me."

"Why is she mad at you?" I could feel my eyelids dragging down, begging me to pass out and not ever wake up again. The gravelly ground beneath my tent felt like feather pillows. I was on the verge of collapse.

"She, uh, thinks its annoying that I won't leave her alone because I don't want her to end up like, uh, Annie," Eren whispered loudly, self awareness almost completely drained from his sleep deprived being.

"Oh, whatever. Just get in here."

"Huh?" Eren asked, needing a confirmation.

"Get in my fucking tent, little shit. Take off your shoes, or I'll beat your ass. Don't talk. Just sleep."

"O-okay," the boy stuttered crawling into my tent with me and removing his shoes. He zipped the tent closed and took off his sweat shirt, rolling it up and resting his head on it. His thin body curled up as his tired face beamed at me. "Thanks."

"Sure," I muttered, closing my eyes and knocking out. 

I woke up several hours later to a dark sky and thunderstorm, but by far the most notable thing I discovered upon waking was Eren's long arms and legs wrapped around my body. I stared at him, a warm silhouette on the stormy night. His breathing was soft and calm; he was obviously sleeping well, and I was too tired to care, so I decided to leave him there, wrapped around my body. Our combined body heat made up for the lack of blankets nicely as I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around his waist, pulling him closer to me, enjoying the warmth. He was almost feverish, his skin hot to the touch, which was a nice break from my constant cold skin as I fell back asleep, listening to the sound of the rain.


	8. Chapter 6

I sigh loudly, remembering waking up next to the brat. The sound of the rain and the thunder was incredibly soothing, even given our current situation, so it had been easy to fall back asleep, cuddled up with him. Even though we were nothing more than allies at that point, it was nice to have him feel so safe with me. Nice, actually, is a major understatement. It was a moment of pure bliss, laying with the kid, protecting him from the horrors he was facing, both outside of the tent, and inside of his mind.

"Morning, Levi," he mumbled softly into my chest, and something about it felt distinctly familiar, like I was blasted with an intense sensation of deja vu.

"What's up, brat?" I asked, my voice thick with sleep, although I was acutely aware of Eren's arms locked around my body.

"Not much, just napping in my math teacher's tent with him. How weird is that?" Eren snickered sarcastically.

"Pretty weird when you put it like that," I grumbled. "Have you slept enough? Cuz I need to take care of something, so I'm leaving the tent."

"Yeah, but do you mind if I stay here?"

"Not at all," I replied. "Wonder what time it is," I said quietly to myself. The camp was full of life as everybody sat around the crackling fire, chatting and laughing. It must have taken a long time to get it going, because of all the rain. I sat on a log and Erwin cocked an eyebrow at me.

"He lives," he announced to the group. "How was your nap?"

"Decent," I snapped defensively. I eyed the glass bottles scattered around the fire pit, looking at a few members of my group holding them as well. "What're those?"

"Bud," Mikasa giggled, taking a sip. "Found it in a gas station a while back."

"You're definitely not old enough to be drinking, young lady," I enforced, aggressively snatching the bottle from her small hands.

"So?" Mikasa argued, reaching for the bottle again. "That shit doesn't matter anymore," she drawled.

"It matters to me! We all need to be on our toes. We can't just go getting drunk," I exclaimed, shooting up from my seat. "You're all fools. Fucking fools!"

"Hey," Hanji tried to mediate, "lighten up a little, Levi. We did like six rounds around camp before we started drinking. No infected for  _ miles _ . Here. Have a beer." She handed me her bottle before shuffling back over to the pile of unopened bottles and cans, grabbing another one for herself.

"You asshole, your mouth already touched it. Do you know how many germs?" I exclaimed.

"Not many, all things considered," Jean piped up, folding his arms and raising an eyebrow at me.

I rolled my eyes and took a swig. "You shitty brat."

"Does Eren wanna drink?" Sasha giggled, leaning into Connie for support.

"Absolutely not," I growled. "He doesn't need to be exposed to this kind of bullshit."

"He drank before," Mikasa pointed out, nodding softly to herself. "It's not like he's never been drunk before."

"Well, this isn't a house party where your parents are gone for the weekend. It isn't even close to the same context. Drinking responsibly isn't just about not driving, you idiot. You're not supposed to drink to escape your issues. Until you're twenty one. Then, do whatever the hell you want."

"Don't act like you know Eren," Mikasa hissed. "You don't know him at all. He never went to parties. He never drank unless he was alone. The only reason I knew about it was because it was my job to take out the trash and the trashcan in his room was full of bottles, and I had the balls to bring it up with him."

"Goddamn," Armin murmured, sipping quietly on his drink, pinching the bridge of his nose.

I was speechless as Marco stood up and attempted to diffuse the situation. "Let's just settle down. If Eren comes out of the tent and asks, we'll share the beer with him, but let's not go out of our way to start something right now. And besides, who would be able to blame him for wanting to escape for a bit?"

"Levi, why don't you have a seat?" Erwin asked, guiding me back to a spot on a log where he had been sitting. I sat down and he sat next to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulder.

"I actually have a battery powered speaker, but there's only one CD," Marco offered. "We could listen to some music."

"Sounds great," Sasha and Hanji said in unison, nodding at each other from across the flickering fire.

Marco walked to his tent and brought an old boom box back with him. He pressed play and turned the volume up. Some kind of alternative music started pouring from the small speakers and I could hear soft footsteps crunching up towards our group.

"What was all that yelling about?" Eren mumbled, rubbing the sleep from his eyes as he shuffled towards us tiredly. His eyes immediately lit up when they recognized the alcohol.

"Nothing," I answered abruptly, taking a long drink from my bottle. "And don't even fucking think about it, brat."

"Oh, I'm thinkin' about it," Eren retorted. "Sasha, pass me a coldie." The freckled brunette tossed a can in Eren's general direction, which he caught without a problem, before cracking it open and taking a long drink.

"They're not real cold," Sasha smiled.

"It's fine. Booze is booze. After a while you kinda lose discretion." I took a deep breath, trying to distract myself from what the kid was doing. I took a sip and glared at Mikasa, who glared right back at me, a smug look in her eyes.

"Guys! I love this song," Armin exclaimed. I hadn't even been aware that the song had changed. It seemed to be a quiet, folk-y waltz. I could have sworn I had heard it in a movie before, but I couldn't place it. "Let's dance," he suggested drunkenly. Taking Mikasa's hand, and pulling her to her feet, they started to do a slow box step. One by one, each person paired off with another, standing to dance to the song.

Sasha held out her hand for Eren, who shook his head. "I can't dance." Connie swooped in to dance with Sasha and Eren crossed his legs, watching each person dance to the slow melody. A part of me felt for him. I had gone to all of my high school dances not knowing how to dance. Stuck to the wall of the ballroom, I understood why the kid was scared. I decided I would teach him to dance.

"Do you really not know how to waltz?" I asked, the alcohol starting to lower my guards as I gestured for Eren's hand. "Here."

"No, it's fine."

" _ Come here _ . You're learning how to waltz, you little shit," I commanded, reaching for his hand.

Eren stood hesitantly, a light blush on his cheeks, partly from embarrassment, partly from alcohol.

"Take my hand," I instructed. Eren placed his slender hand in mine and looked into my eyes. "Now, your other hand goes here." I moved his hand to my shoulder. "And my hand goes here." He shivered when I placed my hand lightly onto his waist. "Okay, follow where my feet go. Step where I step."

"O-okay," he consented, his quiet voice faltering. I stepped my right foot forward and Eren stepped his left foot back. He continued mirroring my movements robotically, his eyes glued to our feet.

"Hey, you're doing fine. Look at me," I whispered, continuing to dance across the forest floor with him. His glittering green eyes met mine and he smiled a nervous smile. "Don't look at anything else. Keep your eyes on me."

"Right," he murmured, maintaining eye contact with me as I gracefully swept us over the dirt and fallen leaves, our soft steps keeping time with the beat of the song. "I feel so light, like you're carrying me."

"That's how it should feel when somebody leads a waltz. All you have to do is what I do, and you'll feel like you're floating," I informed him.

"Maybe that's what the butterflies are," he said, almost inaudibly, as if he didn't want me to hear him. "I feel like I could fly away."

"Me too," I said softly, pulling away from him, and lifting my arm so that he could spin underneath it. He spun out and looked at me, bewildered. "Now spin back," I chuckled. He tentatively spun back, landing right in my arms, which automatically wrapped around his slim body. He gasped at the feeling of my arms around him. "Relax. You can't be all uptight when you're trying to dance with somebody. Now spin back out." He let out a sigh as he spun out of my arms and back into the standard waltzing position and finishing out the song in the smooth box step.

"That was so fun!" Armin exclaimed. "I love dancing. Thanks for doing that, guys."

"Sure. It was a nice stress relief," Erwin replied, a smile playing on his lips as he kissed Hanji's hand chivalrously. "Any time you decide to have good ideas like that, please, let me know."

Jean and Marco chuckled quietly, ogling each other from their seats across the dying fire from each other. If they weren't together at that point, they sure as hell were close.

The boy mouthed a thanks to me from across the fire and I flicked my eyebrows up, acknowledging him. Though I would never say it aloud, I had to admit that it was oddly endearing, teaching him to dance that night.

I press play on his next video, only filmed minutes after the dance.

" _ So Levi taught me how to dance today," Eren said nervously. "That was actually really fun, but I felt like I was gonna puke from all the anxiety. I was so afraid I was gonna step on his foot or something and make a total fool of myself. But I didn't! And besides, I got some sleep for the first time this week, so thats kinda cool. Oh, it's day twenty-two, by the way. I'm not sure how often I'm gonna do these things anymore. I don't wanna have to scavange for batteries any time soon, and I only have one extra set of them. I may or may not be a little tipsy," he giggled, looking bashfully into the camera. "Ya know, I kinda like being drunk and happy. It's been a while since I've been able to do both at the same time. I'm kinda sleepy still, so I think I'm gonna hit the sack. But before I go, I have to admit, Levi is kinda hot." Eren quickly shut off the video camera. _

"Kinda hot, huh?" I whisper softly, trying to picture him in my head, going over every curve of his body, every cowlick in his hair, for fear of forgetting. I know I can't forget, even if I try, but memories fade. I am afraid that Eren will be nothing but a distant memory, an old dream, if I don't keep bringing him forward.

"I would say so," I hear a familiar voice snicker. I instantly shoot up and see Hanji, gripping the infected woman by the back of the head and bashing her face into the edge of the counter before shooting through her brain stem with a small revolver.

"Hanji, oh my God," I exclaim. "You're alive." I scramble around the area behind the counter, collecting my personal effects and shoving them into my backpack.

"Of course I'm alive, Shorty. I'm not going anywhere until you are," she laughs, throwing her head back, bursting into hyena-like peals of giggling. "Saw your rope on the freeway and followed it here. Where's everybody else? Supply run?"

I knew that was coming. I sigh, carding a hand through my hair and pushing back the oncoming tears. "There is no 'everybody else.' It's just me. They all died in that mall." I step through the door leading behind the counter of the convenience store. Hanji's amused expression instantly switches to that of shock total grief.

"W-what? Even Eren? They're all gone?" Hanji whispers, trying to push her own tears back.

"Yeah. H-he's gone and it's all my fault," I whisper, my breath hitching as I fall into the arms of an old friend.


	9. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hola. Sorry it's kinda unpolished, but it is what it is. I wrote it a long time ago, but it's still one of my favorite stories to date.

The brat has a way of working his way into my mind while we walk down the lifeless freeway. Thankfully, I'm not occupied with his death, more just watching him dick around with his friends.

"Shut up Armin!" Eren squeaked, shoving the short blonde into Mikasa. His face was a deep red and his green eyes glittered with mischief. I was back in Shiganshina High School, sitting at the teacher's table in the cafeteria, hating that it was my turn to make sure the little brats didn't kill each other. I focused my attention to the table that Eren and his squad usually sat at, hoping a fight wouldn't break out.

"Hi Armin," The black haired girl said quietly, a small smile on her lips. Her shoulder length hair was pulled into a short pony tail and she wore an uncharacteristically colorful purple hoodie.

"Hi, 'Kas," Armin replied, an awkward pubescent voice crack breaking his sentence up. I took a sip of my Pepsi and continued silently observing. "And you know it was true! She really wishes you would just stick-"

"Okay! That is enough," Jean snapped, shooting out of his seat and clamping a hand over Armin's mouth. "I thought everybody knew Jaeger was into dudes," he commented, making Eren choke on his sandwich. Mikasa was quick to pat Eren's back, trying to help him breathe again. "Don't worry, I'll pretend to be your boyfriend when the chicks come around. I gotchu."

"I'm not gay,  _ puta _ ," Eren sneered. "See? I pay attention in Spanish class."

"You don't learn swear words in Spanish class, bitch," Jean snapped back. "And it's okay. It's not like you'd even know what you preferred with the lack of chicks you pick up."

"Yeah, right. I could get girls if I wanted to. Armin was literally just saying that that girl in Brzenska's class was tryna get with me. Now, if you'll excuse me, Horseface, I have to go powder my nose."

"That was the gayest sentence I've ever heard you say. What kind of straight dude powders his nose?" Jean raised an eyebrow.

"Oh can it, we all know you bone Marco," Eren snapped, standing and sliding something into his pocket. I rolled my eyes, figuring it was probably a condom. I didn't want to catch him red handed, so I pretended I didn't see it.

"Oh yeah, totally," Jean smirked sarcastically. "We fuck all the time, huh, babe?" Jean scoffed at the blushing freckled brunette sitting in the chair next to him. He chuckled nervously before nodding with Jean.

"All the time," he giggled, shooting Jean a quick wink.

"What'd we miss, Losers?" Sasha asked, sitting down and taking a bite of Eren's pizza.

"Hey! Get your own," Eren snapped as Connie swung his legs onto the table, sitting cross legged at the end of it.

"Hey guys," he chuckled. "What's up?"

"Ooh, Jaeger-boy looks nervous. You bout to get laid, hun?" Ymir, another one of my students, asked as she sat down next to Marco, her petite blonde girlfriend sitting quietly next to her.

"Fuck you," he snapped.

"No, not me. I don't swing that way. And with Christa, I got all the fuckin' I need."

Christa's mouth hit the floor as she swatted Ymir's arm. "Jesus, dude, you need to stop with the public sex jokes."

"Yeah, yeah. Have fun, Jaeger."

"Mhm," he mumbled, darting out of the cafeteria without another word, pulling his grey hoodie far over his head and shoving his hands into his pockets.

"Did you see that?" Armin exclaimed, pointing towards the door that swung shut as Eren walked out.

"What?" Sasha asked, taking another bite of Eren's pizza.

"Eren didn't turn towards the bathroom. Not the close one, anyways. Maybe he really was going to get laid," Armin mused.

"The hell he is," Mikasa grumbled, standing from the cafeteria bench before Jean quickly grabbed her wrist.

"Don't cock block, Kas," Jean reasoned. "Not cool."

"Do not tell me what not to do about my brother," Mikasa argued.

"Look, if the guy doesn't wanna talk about it, it probably means whoever he's bangin' doesn't want it getting out. And besides, he was headed towards the stoner bathroom. If anything, he was probably lighting up." Jean nudged Eren's sister playfully.

"Don't say shit like that, Jean."

"You know you love me," He snickered, pushing her again.

"Do I?"

"Well, Marco does, apparently," Armin said quietly, more absorbed in his book than getting a reaction.

"Oh yeah, my  _ boyfriend _ ." Jean wrapped his arm around Marco, laughing so hard that he had tears rushing out of his eyes. "We gonna fuck later,  _ babe _ ."

"When and where, baby," Marco joked. Connie burst into loud peals of laughter while Sasha crammed more pizza into her mouth, propping her feet up on the table.

"Well, I mean," Ymir snorted, tightening her arm around Christa's waist. "As the resident gay, I would say you two would be pretty cute together."

"I'm gay, too!" Christa pouted, puffing her cheeks out at Ymir.

"And your opinion on Jean gettin' it on with Marco is," The tall, freckled girl trailed off, tucking a strand of hair behind her girlfriend's ear.

"Yeah, y'all are pretty cute together."

"Who's pretty cute together?" The high school's resident asshole, Reiner Braun asked, pounding his fist into the group's table.

"Beat it, dick hole," Jean snapped. "We weren't talking to you."

"For  _ real _ ," Sasha exclaimed sarcastically. "If you're gonna eavesdrop, do it better, jackass."

The large blonde boy, captain of the football team, rolled his eyes and smiled an evil grin. "Right, okay, I'll just get on my-" he started before whipping his body around and sucker punching Jean right in the nose.

"Jesus fuck, man," Jean breathed, standing up to fight him. He shoved him back, wiping his bloody nose on the back of his sleeve. "That smarts." He landed a punch right into the brat's throat, causing him to gasp and stagger backwards before his right hand man and quarterback, Bertolt Hoover took a swing at Jean. I watched as several things happened while I stood up to intervene. Eren reemerged in the lunch room, saw what was happening and immediately bolted to the scene of the fight, tugging Bertolt back by the collar of his shirt. He had to really try hard to reach his neck, considering what a giant the boy was. Reiner had recovered from the blow by then and took Eren to the ground. When that happened, I felt something in me snap. I immediately vaulted my table and dashed over to the fight.

"Junkie bastard," Reiner muttered, continuing his assault on Eren.

"HEY!" I boomed, the sound of my voice echoing through the now silent lunch hall as I gripped the back of Reiner's shirt. He continued to land punches on Eren. Bert and Jean both froze immediately, but I realized I would have to use force on the other two. As Reiner pulled his arm back to hit him again, I caught his wrist and twisted it behind his back. He yelped a strangled cry in pain as I yanked him off of Eren. "You shitty brat. You should really stop picking fights before you find somebody badder than you. Quit while you're ahead," I said with a deadly calm in my voice, tightening his arm. He was squirming, putty in my hands as I shoved him away from the bleeding boy on the ground. "You, you, and you," I hissed, pointing at Jean, Reiner, and Bertolt. "Mr. Smith's office,  _ immediately. _ I will take Jaeger to the nurse, and if any of you are here when I get back, so help me, God, there is a special place in Hell for me for what I'm about to put you through."

"Y-yes, Sir," Bertolt and Reiner said in unison, nearly shitting themselves before the three of them retreated to the principal's office with their tails between their legs. I turned my attention to Eren, who hadn't yet moved from his prostrate position on the linoleum. Reiner had gotten him good. He was gushing blood from his nose and bleeding from a busted lip as well. He had the beginnings of a huge shiner on his left eye. "Jaeger, can you stand up?" I asked, sliding the end of my sleeve over my hand before offering it to Eren.

"Yeah, probably," he coughed, taking my hand as I helped him up. He seemed to lose his balance, but I caught him and stood him up again before he could hit the ground. It seemed like he was intoxicated beyond the daze of the recent fight. He was trembling as the adrenaline wore off, and threatened to collapse in the middle of the cafeteria.

"We're gonna go to the nurse's office, okay?" I confirmed, slinging his arm over his shoulders, but still I wasn't sure if he would be able to support his own weight. "Here," I suggested, kneeling down and wrapping my arms around his knees and standing back up, throwing the light, lanky boy over my shoulder, officially saying my goodbyes to the tie and shirt I was wearing.

"Woah," Eren murmured as I carried him out of the lunch room and down the hall towards the nurse's office.

"Where'd you go?" I asked bluntly as soon as we were alone. I knew if he had a concussion, I had to keep him talking.

"Nunya," he muttered.

"Nunya my ass. Where did you go? Cuz getting laid and doing drugs are the only two options I've heard out of your little friends. Apparently its pretty hard to believe you went to the bathroom if you walk in the opposite direction of the bathroom."

"I dunno, Mr. Ackerman. Maybe I did both," he hedged sleepily.

"Look, this isn't gonna get out to the higher ups, but from one man to another, where did you disappear to?"

"The- the one bathroom without a smoke detector."

I nodded, knowing the implications of his simple sentence. "Look, brat, everybody does shit they shouldn't sometimes, but you have to be careful. The shit that gets sold here is dangerous. It's laced with all kinds of shit, kid. You need to make sure you trust your dealers."

"Oh, I don't smoke very often, don't worry," Eren replied quickly, a nervous edge to his voice.

"Well, we're here, brat. I'll help you inside, but then I have class. You tried, kid, but your technique sucks," I critiqued, setting him on the check up bench. "He's all yours, Hanji."

"Oh hi sweetie! Wow! That is a lot of blood!" Hanji exclaimed, clasping her hands together excitedly. "I got him from here, Levi. Don't forget, you have that meeting with Principal Smith after your next class."

I scoff, knowing exactly what she is referring to. "Not in front of the brats," I snap. "They don't need to know my life."

"Yeah, yeah whatever," Hanji muttered. "You're just lucky I cover for you, because you're my  _ best friend _ !" 

"And probably your only friend," I snap, turning to leave the room.

"Ouch, that one hit hard, Meanie," Hanji chuckled, swatting my arm as I'm whisked back to reality with the same gesture.

"Huh?"

"Shh!" Hanji hisses. "Infected."

I can hear the notorious clicking and gurgling sounds that the infected people make when they're agitated. We hadn't had time to restock our ammunition yet, so we have to rely on hand to hand combat. I can hear the loud screeching of the infected approaching and turn around just as I am tackled to the ground by a huge infected man.

"Holy shit!" Hanji screams, reaching for her machete. The nasty bugger is literally drooling on me, his soulless white eyes wide with hunger. I do what I can to keep him off of me, but the fact of the matter is that he weighs at least three times what I do. My forearm is locked at my chest, straining against the writhing man on top of me, baring his teeth and trying to bite me. Hanji shoves the machete through the man and tries to use the handle of the blade as a sort of lever to pry him off of me.She unsheathes her blade and was instantly sprayed with black blood. I cringe as I charge the heavy set man, mentally preparing myself to be sprayed with the same disgusting goop. 

I whip my machete out of my backpack and jump on him. He doesn't fight back because almost instantly there is nothing left to fight with. I am coated in the thick black fluid as I sever his arms, throwing them to the side as I continue stabbing him. I am completely consumed with a blinding red rage as my arms plunge the knife into him again, and again, and again. I can feel the tears stinging my eyes as I slide the knife in and out of the bloody pulp.

"Levi," Hanji hums, pulling on my shoulders. "Levi, he's dead. Levi, stop." I shove her hands off of me and keep at my work. "Levi! Stop it!" Hanji quickly grabs my knife out of my hands and throws it away from me, before yanking me away from the dead man.

"I'm sorry," I choke, accepting the hug that Hanji is trying to offer.

I am full on sobbing at that point, because as many times as I stabbed the infected man, not one of the fresh stab wounds on the mutilated corpse would bring Eren back.


	10. Chapter 8

Hanji and I made our way out of Salt Lake City after stocking up a little more, specifically getting my shotgun ammunition. We continue south, down I-15, knowing that would be the fastest way to Los Angeles. We pitch the tent under a forsaken freeway onramp, not bothering to scout the area out. We decide against a fire, so intensive scouting is not necessary. The whole walk down, Hanji tried to convince me that it wasn't my fault. I couldn't have known. She kept apologizing to me the whole time, and after a final apology as we drop our packs into the tent I snap.

"Stop it! Stop apologizing. You didn't do anything wrong! If I had just fucking listened to you-"

Hanji cuts me off. "Levi, shut up. I can apologize if I see fit, but in reality, whenever you decide to meet me there, it was nobody's fault! You never would have put anybody in our group in that much danger. If you had known it would be a suicide mission, you wouldn't have fucking gone!" I widen my eyes. Hanji never cursed beyond an occasional hell, or damn. I had never heard her say 'fuck' in the eight years I had known her. "You're a masochist for blaming this on yourself. You know that you never would have knowingly done that to Eren."

"Stop. I- I can't take anymore," I whisper, looking away from her. Instantly, I felt her long arms wrap around my body, pulling me into a tight hug. "I miss him so bad."

"I know, Levi. I do too," Hanji replies quietly into the crown of my head. "I'm so sorry this had to happen to you. You don't deserve this."

I take a deep breath, hugging her tighter. I am well aware that we are both mourning not only the brat, but Jean, Mikasa, and Armin as well. I feel a warm feeling that she hadn't mentioned them yet, letting me get a little furthur in mourning the kid before we talked about everybody else.

A brief thought crosses my mind. I realize that once I get Hanji to LA safely, I have no real reason to keep moving forward. I have nobody to spend the rest of my life with.

I explain to Hanji that when I found his body, he had left a note on his video camera that told me to take it. I tell Hanji that I have been watching the videos, leaving out the part that when I get to the end of them, I fully intend to blow myself away.

"What day are you on?" she asked quietly.

"Not sure. The kid's kinda spontaneous. Doesn't really do patterns," I chuckle, melancholy strong in my voice.

"Do you wanna watch one?" Hanji asks, squeezing my shoulder comfortingly.

I nod, knowing I need to keep watching them if I want to finish by the time I get to LA. We were more than a year into the apocalypse, so I had a lot more days to cover in the few weeks it would take to get to Southern California. I pull out his camera, powering it on and hitting play on the next video.

"Well, uh, it's been a while. We're day fifty now. Lots of stuff has happened. I- I don't really know where to start. Uh, well, to start, Jean and Marco finally told us they were dating. We all already knew, but whatever. More importantly, we found a safe camp of sorts. We've been staying here for the past two weeks or so. Run by mostly old farmers and farmer's wives. They've agreed to let us stay the winter here so we don't freeze to death and whatnot. We sent Levi, Marco and Erwin on a supply run three days ago and we haven't heard a word from them. Jean's worried sick; we all are. But Jean gave Marco a promise ring last week, so he's a little extra worried that his boyfriend isn't coming back." Eren looked up, like somebody had entered the room. The background of his video was a painted yellow wall as opposed to the filthy green tent of his. "Levi! You're back!" he exclaimed, jumping up to greet me like an excited puppy. He quickly second guessed himself and cleared his throat. "I mean, hi. Welcome back," he said in deeper, less frantic voice.

"Hey brat," I heard my voice murmur from off camera. "How ya holdin' up?" I asked him, groaning as he squeezed me into a tight hug.

"Oh my God, Levi what happened?" Eren asked, only a portion of his body visible to the camera and mine completely out of the shot. "Are you okay?"

"I asked you a question, you little shit," I snapped, swatting the back of his head.

"I- I'm fine. I've been worried about you guys. I'm glad you all are back."

"Actually, I'm here to talk to you about that," I said, my voice emotionless. "Marco didn't make it. All of us got kinda beat up. We got ambushed by some other survivors, and they shot Marco dead and pushed us right into a pack of infected. We fought our way out, but Erwin had to cut off his own arm. It was trapped under something that the both of us couldn't lift. I took a couple bullets. We're both kinda down for the count for a while."

"Holy shit," Eren said quietly. "I'm so sorry."

"I'm alive, aren't I?" I snapped. "I wish there was something I could have done for Marco, but you don't do much recovering from head shots. They went out and straight executed him in front of us."

"That's so fucked up! We need to get revenge. They're gonna pay for killing Marco."

"We aren't gonna do jack shit. What they did was cruel, heartless even, killing a kid in cold blood like that, but we need to handle this logically. There were at least fifty of them. There's only, like, thirty of us, including women and children. Even those strong ass farmers would get taken out by the guns they had. I'm damn lucky they didn't hit an artery or an organ, or I'd be in some ditch with Marco."

"No! We have to kill them all! They will pay dearly for this," he argued. "I'll kill them all!"

"I'm not letting you. You'll get yourself killed, you idiot. You're too emotional to do something like that."

"Yeah? Who are you to stop me?" Eren was crying now, his tears only adding onto his radiating venom.

"Somebody who cares a damn lot about you and doesn't want you fucking dead, you fucking bastard!" I yelled at him. He paused, but only for a second.

"Not good enough. Not even Mikasa is gonna stop me. I'll get Hanji on my side. You'll see. I can do this."

"Whatever," I snapped. "It's not like you know where they are."

"Well then, I'll go looking for them. I will hunt every last one of them down and end them."

"No the fuck you won't!" I shouted, clearly losing the argument. There was a brief silence before there was a small crashing sound and Eren gasping off camera.

"Y-you kissed me!" He stammered.

"No shit, Sherlock. You really figured that out all by yourself? You gonna stay now?" I growled malevolently. Eren was quiet for a long time.

"No," was his only response as he reached for the camera and turned it off.


	11. Chapter 9

"Well shit," Hanji said quietly at the end of the video. "You sure you can make it through all these videos? Have they all been like that?"

I nod. "Pretty much. But, I have to watch these. They're all I have left of him. I can't do anything until I've watched them all." Whether anything means moving on or ending it all, all I know is that I'm not sure.

"That's depressing as hell. I'm sorry, Levi."

"It's fine. I'm gonna watch another one in a sec. I have some processing I gotta do. Memories tend to kinda bubble up after I watch them, so I can only watch one at a time."

"I don't think I can watch another one," Hanji announces, shaking her head, her hands trembling. "I'm gonna read. You enjoy that."

"I wouldn't use the word enjoy." Instantly I was whisked away, back to the year prior.

"Well then, I'll go looking for them. I will hunt every last one of them down and end them," Eren's voice echoed in the small cabin, rattling me to the bone. He couldn't. He wasn't allowed to end up like Marco. I was running out of options, and he was dead set on getting his revenge.

"No the fuck you won't!" I yelled at him, gripping him by the collar of his shirt and pushing him into the nightstand near his bed. Even all shot up, I easily overpowered him. I met our lips as a last resort plea for him to stay. To stay alive. To stay with me. He started moving his lips on mine before pulling back sharply and shoving me away from him.

"Y- you kissed me!" he cried, his eyes wide with a foreign emotion as his face flushed.

"No shit, Sherlock. You really figured that out all by yourself? You gonna stay now?" I seethed, angry sarcasm invading my thoughts and actions, but behind the anger was an undiluted fear that Eren would get himself killed. He paused only for a second, before setting his jaw and shooting daggers at me with his eyes.

"No," he answered, his voice radiating power and wrath. His eyes were green hurricanes, determined to wreak as much havoc as humanly possible as he switched the camera off.

"You selfish little shit. You really are gonna do this to your sister? To Armin? To me? All of us would be crushed if they killed you, too."

Eren nodded resolutely. "Now, you can either help me or not, but I'm going either way. Just saying there's a higher chance of failure if you choose not to help."

"You think I don't know that, Eren? I can't knowingly send you off like that without a clue of where to go or who to shoot or what to expect."

"So you're helping me?"

"I didn't say that."

"You kinda did," he pointed out, a mischevious gleam in his emerald eyes.

"I'm not gonna let you," I insisted again, poking Eren's puffed up chest aggressively. "Even all jacked up, I can still take your weak ass. If I have to knock you out and pin you to the ground for the next fucking week, I fucking will."

"You sound just like my sister," Eren muttered, defeated. "Fine. Don't help me. I'll go by myself."

"No! I limped twelve miles, bleeding from two  _ holes in my body _ just so that I could see you again, and here you are, running off to get yourself killed before I can even teach you geometry! I woulda let 'em plug me if I knew you were gonna pull this shit on me!" I boomed, stepping closer to him, shifting my body weight forward, like I was ready to pounce.

"So this is all about  _ math _ ?!" Eren screamed, gripping me by the shirt, pounding his fists into my chest. I grabbed him by the wrists and threw them down. Eren lost his balance with the force I had used, but he quickly regained fighting stance.

"Of fucking course it isn't you piece of shit! I could teach  _ anybody _ about matrices, you jackass! You really think it's about the fucking math at this point?! I cannot fucking believe you! How the fuck do you think I feel about you?! If you don't think I give a shit about you, then what the fuck am I even doing here?! I just got  _ bullets  _ removed like half an hour ago, and here I am yelling at your stupid ass! Why? Because I give a damn about you! You can't go fucking die on me!" I shouted over him. Pausing a moment to take a deep breath and calm my nerves, I looked up at him. His face was splotchy and flushed from the screaming and the crying. "Fuck, Eren. You can't do this to me. I wanna be able to dance with you again," I said quietly so that I wouldn't choke. I hadn't been planning on saying that out loud, but it kinda happened anyway. I wasn't capable of telling people how I felt, so I would always end up saying something stupid whenever I got emotional like that.

"I can't just let Marco die in vain, Levi. He doesn't deserve that. Jean doesn't deserve that. I can't just let it be a pointless tragedy. I'm sorry, Levi. I have to."

"Well, you leave me no choice then," I muttered, rolling my eyes and cracking my knuckles.

"Wh- what are you gonna do?" Eren asked, his voice high and frightened. I gripped his shirt and snapped my injured leg up, aiming to judo kick him in the head, but stopping just a hair's width from his skull.

"That leg? Had a bullet in it as of about an hour ago. Shot in the thigh. Missed major arteries by, like a fucking millimeter. Bone in my ankle is broken apparently. Hurts like a bitch. I can still fucking murder you with it. I want you to be well aware of that when I tell you I'm going to help you. The catch is, we do this my way. You don't have a say in anything we do. You take orders from me, you shitty maggot. You hear me, brat?"

Eren nodded, looking at me, fear in his eyes. "Yes, sir."

"And for the record, if I wasn't in so much fucking pain, I woulda knocked you out cold with that fucking kick. I just didn't wanna fuck with my ankle any more than I already am by walking on it like normal. But if it had been anybody else, I wouldn't have hesitatated for a second. And, for the record, I'm not a pushover, but you have me wrapped around your fucking little finger."

"Okay," Eren squeaked as I lowered my leg and loosened my stance. "B-but, why did you kiss me?"

"To see if that would get your thick skull to stay. See if that would be some kinda wake up call for you," I answered unemotionally. "Clearly I underestimated you."

"Clearly," Eren parroted rebelliously, narrowing his eyes. "No feelings involved?"

"Nope. You can forget it ever happened," I growled.

"Good," he hissed back, folding his arms.

" _ So today is day fifty-four," the young brunette said quietly, as if he was trying not to wake somebody sleeping nearby. The curtains were drawn in the cabin, making the room very dim, save a few small holes in the black out fabric behind him. "We're gonna go get the guys that killed Marco. Me, Levi, Hanji and Jean are going. Lemme show you our ride." Eren crept out of the cabin, carefully closing the door as he stepped into the windy evening. The feedback from the howling wind mostly drowned out Eren's voice, blowing his hair around. He ran towards a shed, pulling the door open and darting inside before closing it again behind him. He turned a flashlight on, shining it on a red pickup truck, donning makeshift armor. It had barbed wire wrapped around the fenders and thick tin hammered onto the doors. "How fucking wicked is this? This is what we're gonna raid their camp in. Look." He panned the shot to the grill of the truck, an old Dodge, which was also wrapped in barbed wire.The hood of the truck had a sharpened log drilled into it such that it protruded about five feet from the edge of the truck. "That log over here is to bust down blockages and mow down people. And then over here, Eren moved the camera towards the back of the truck, zooming in on the armored camper shell. "Is where the gunmen are gonna be. See these little slots? They're just wide enough to move the barrel of a gun around and aim. These bastards are gonna pay." _

" _ Hell yeah they are," Jean's voice said from behind Eren. He spun around, whipping the camera around with him. _

" _ Hey. I didn't know you were here." Eren zoomed in on Jean's face discreetly. His eyes were tired, and his jaw was set. _

" _ I wasn't. I just heard you talking and figured you were in here." _

" _ Oh. Are we raiding at three or four?" Eren asked calmly. It was a terrifying calm, where one knows that it's only calm on the surface. The kind of calm that covers a vortex of toxic, deadly emotion. _

" _ Four, I think, but you'd have to ask Levi. He knows better," Jean replied. _

" _ I don't actually wanna talk to Levi," he mumbled. "Can you ask for me?" _

"No _ ," Jean scoffed. "And you and Levi are like, besties. What happened?" _

_ Eren shook his head. "Nothing. He's just- I just- ugh!" Eren groaned loudly. "It's nothing." _

" _ Mhm, sure it's nothing. So what's it like sucking Mr. Ackerman's dick? Did he get mad at you for spitting? Is that what this is about?" _

_ Eren nearly choked. "What the fuck?! That's gay, Jean. Gross. He's also, like, a million years old." _

" _ Yeah, actually, by definition, it's gay," Jean snickered. "And age is just a number, baby. Actually having some older guy would look kinda hot on you. You fit the type who would have a sugar daddy or something." _

" _ Oh my God, shut up Jean. You're not even funny," Eren complained. "And I'm not even gay. If you wanna go suck him off, be my guest, but your attempt at being a comedian is a total flop." _

" _ Okay, first of all, too soon. Second,  _ I  _ think I'm hilarious, so you're just gonna have to put up with it. Besides, you're totally gay for him." _

" _ Uh, what planet are you living on? It isn't like that at all. He's a huge asshole," Eren snapped. "And it isn't like he's gay either." _

" _ Uh, what planet are  _ you  _ living on? He hooked up with Principal Smith all the time back before this whole infection bullshit. And if he's such an asshole, why do you stay up all night, every night, keeping guard with him? Why do you let him teach you math? You fucking hate math, dude." _

" _ I-" Eren started to say before Jean cut him off. _

" _ Don't even respond. Everything you're about to say is bullshit. Save yourself the oxygen, Jaeger. You'll need it later," he said with a wink. _

" _ You seriously need to cut it out. You're not funny," Eren snapped, gently pushing Jean's shoulder. _

" _ Whatever, nerd. At least I'm not lugging a video camera around wherever I go." _

" _ Okay, listen," he spat. _

" _ My ears are wide open, Jaeger," Jean said sarcastically, putting a hand to his ear and batting his eyelashes. _

" _ I'm not the gay one here. You are." _

" _ Photo or it didn't happen, Loser," Jean smirked. "And if it wasn't true, it wouldn't matter so much if I said you were gay." _

" _ I hate you," Eren fumed. _

" _ I know," Jean chirped, a smug grin sweeping his features. Eren rolled his eyes and cut the camera. _

The raid had been a bloodbath. We charged into the enemy camp with our modified truck and took no captives, leaving no survivors. The disgusting animals were killed one by one and piled in the center of their damned establishment before they were doused in gasoline and lit on fire. Eren and Jean felt a sense of acomplishment as we drove back to our camp, but I felt sick, and Hanji wouldn't even leave the truck. It wasn't that they didn't deserve it, but the adrenaline was messing with my insides as I prepared to rescue Eren should he have needed it. Shooting from the back of the truck, they didn't need any assistance.

"Are you happy, brats? Feel better?" I snapped, breaking the silence as we returned to our camp.

Eren and Jean looked at each other before shaking their heads. "Like, I'm glad they can't do that again, but it doesn't bring Marco back," Eren answered solemnly.

"Yeah. I agree," Jean said solidly, nodding with Eren.

"So, what we learn?" I asked sarcastically.

"Killing people doesn't bring people back," Eren mumbled, looking down and rubbing the back of his neck.

"And?" I pushed, condescension thick in my voice.

"We shouldn't risk our own lives to avenge our fallen," Jean said quietly, running a hand through his hair.

"Good. I cannot believe I had to explain that," I groaned, an almost parental frustration sweeping my body. Eren Jaeger was going to be the death of me. "You both are damn fools. Raining shit on some stupid bastards was more important than your own life."

"I'm sorry, Levi," Eren said quietly, looking out the window as we pulled into the shed.

"Don't apologize to me, brat," I grumbled stiffly, still shaken after killing all those people, not infected, just misguided. It weighed on my conscience more than I had expected it to. I put the truck in park and sighed, pressing my forehead into the steering wheel. My mind was racing, but my body was on fire. Pain was everywhere as I realized I couldn't move. The fresh stitches tugged on my sensitive skin. My ankle was throbbing, and I refrained from gasping for air.

"Levi are you okay?" Eren asked, instantly jumping out of the truck and running over to my door. I nodded, not looking up at him.

"I might've overdone it a little," I breathed.

"Do you need help?" Hanji asked anxiously. I shook my head, convinced even as I passed out that I could do it myself. Consiousness faded from my being as I slumped in my seat, blacked out from the pain and the trauma.


	12. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Long Chapter because smut.

"Eren!"I screamed, waking myself up. I could hear rain coming down, drumming against the roof of the cabin I was in. I was covered in sweat,breathing heavily as the thunder cracked outside. I looked around the empty cabin in a panic, making sure everything seemed okay. No sooner did I sit up than somebody burst into the room, making me jump. I doubled over in pain before I could see who it was.

"A-are you okay?" Eren asked quietly.

"I thought-" I panted. "I thought you were avoiding me."

"So what if I am? You kinda deserve it," he answered back. I popped a stale Naproxen, waiting for the pain to subside.

"Then hop to it. Go away," I snapped. "I don't have the time or the patience for you to be a shitty brat right now."

"I'm not going anywhere," Eren argued.

"Then I'll get you out myself," I groaned, swinging my legs over the side of my bed, nearly collapsing again on the spot. The bullets were gone, but the holes remained, tormenting me with constant pain. My ankle had been worse than Hanji had originally diagnosed, the swelling going down and giving her a better chance to get a look. Several fractures, it seemed like, to her, and so my entire body was on fire. Sometimes it would just quit, forcing me into unconsciousness until it got a better grip on the pain.

"Hell no. Get back in bed, Levi. If I recall, you're the one who called me over here."

"You shouldn't base shit on sleep talking. You're alive. You can go now."

"What? Why wouldn't I be alive?" Eren demanded, sauntering across the room towards my bed.

"The dream I was having. It isn't important. Now go away. Stop bothering old people in the middle of the night."

"Pssh," Eren scoffed, folding his arms. "I, uh, actually can't sleep."

"Well,I can, so go away," I said, sending him a scolding scowl. "I'm sorry for fucking up things with us, but you can leave now. I don't have the capacity to deal with it right now." I looked away from him, towards the boarded window before squeezing my eyes shut.

Eren took a deep breath, collecting the courage to say what was about to be uttered. "Well maybe you shouldn't go around kissing horny teenage boys that definitely have feelings for you," Eren argued. "Might make your life a little easier."

I couldn't help but cough, trying to clear the shock out of my throat. It felt like I had been punched in the stomach as my eyes shot open and I sat up again. Suppressing the instinct to cry out in pain, I glared hard into Eren's youthful eyes.

"Oh shit are you okay?" Eren exclaimed. "I'm sorry."

"Shut  _ up, _ brat," I hissed abrasively, dripping with spite. I wasn't sure why I was so angry at the kid, but I knew that I had to calm down a little. "Eren do you  _ realize _ how illegal that is? Some thirty year old guy getting with his math student. Oh yeah, that's fuckin rich. I'm sure any sane cop would totally believe that it was consensual. Jesus Christ, Eren. Do you understand how bad that would be?"

"But you said yourself that you weren't even sure cops existed anymore," Eren argued.

"I know what I said, Eren," I seethed, trying to hold myself back from whatever it was I was losing control over. I took a deep breath and totally lost it. "Ya know what, come here." With great effort and pain, I scooted up, propping myself against the wall. Eren froze in his tracks. "You. Here.  _ Now. _ Don't make me fucking ask again, brat." Eren inched closer to me, hesitation and alarm painting his features. Before he had time to react, I gripped the fabric of his shirt and met his mouth in an aggressive kiss. He tried to gasp, but I caught the sound in my lips. The soft feeling of our bodies colliding was perfect, almost a high, covering up the physical pain with a mental euphoria. There was a certain ecstasy in the feeling of his soft, pink lips touching mine. He nimbly crawled into my lap, running his long fingers through my undercut, returning the kiss. Moving my mouth from his soft lips, I dragged my lips along his jaw, locking them onto his neck. He let out a shaky breath through his nose as I nibbled on his neck. Pawing at his slim waist, I craved the ability to touch him more, but I could feel the nagging morality pushing me back into reality.

Pulling back with a gasp for air, I looked at him with a dictatorial scowl. "That is the last time I will ever touch you for anything other than platonic relations."

"Why?" the brat exclaimed, dumbfounded. "Do you not like me like that?"

"You idiot, of course I " _ like you like  _ that", you adolescent fool. I even " _ like-like _ " you, if you insist on juvenile idiocy. But things are complicated as hell right about now, and getting involved with somebody right now has too many risks attached."

"But-"He started, a hurt expression on his face, partially obscured by his shaggy brown hair. I brushed his hair out of his face, gently touching his cheek.

"Eren, listen to me. No but's. If the world was different, and there wasn't a constant fear that one of us would end up dead, I wouldn't hesitate for a second. You're really attractive, God, you're sexy. But more than that, you always find a way to make me feel shit. I honestly wasn't sure if I was really even capable of emotion anymore, but you bring it back. Of course I wanna be with you. If things were different, you know that I wouldn't be so hesitant."

"I understand, I guess," Eren murmured, curling up next to me, careful not to allow any sort of body contact. "But I wanna stay here tonight, if that's okay."

"Sure, but you're not getting anything out of me. You shouldn't be thinking of me as anything other than a father figure. And I shouldn't be thinking of you the way I do. I apologize for thinking inappropriately about you." I hadn't been lying. I was actually sorry, because even though my consciousness suppressed the urges I felt, it didn't fully take away the feeling. I felt like I was disrespecting him with such carnal thoughts.

"Don't apologize. I'm sorry for liking it when you do," Eren said softly. "Damn. I didn't think I was gay."

"I think Jean kinda called it," I said monotonously, letting out along sigh. "A lot. And Hanji's been being a real asshole to me about it."

"But I have a question for you," the green eyed boy insisted, staring up at me, his wide eyes hooded by long, doe like eyelashes.

"What is that, brat?"

"Jean told me you hooked up with Principal Smith a whole bunch before the whole apocalypse thing started."

"That wasn't a question, Jaeger," I hissed, annoyed that he would bring up Eyebrows. I didn't want to talk about Erwin. I didn't want to even think about him. I just wanted Eren. I wanted to touch him, kiss him, hold him, and only him.

"Is that true?"

I nodded slowly, not wanting to lie to him. "Yeah," I rasped, when I finally found my voice. "Jean's right, but it goes farther back than that. We served together. He was my commander, and we were hooking up, then, too."

"Why don't you have feelings for Erwin, then? You have a history with him," Eren questioned.

"Erwin hasn't ever made me feel as much as you have; he was just a fuckbuddy. You're the only one that makes me this angry, or depressed, or happy. I haven't ever felt this much emotion in my life. Something is telling me that it's your fault I'm not a cold hard-ass anymore. And once I get past how weird it is to feel something, anything at all, I kind of like feeling things. It's scary as fuck, but growing on me."

"I-I make you happy?" Eren asked.

"Yeah, brat, ya do," I replied with a small nod. "And it fucking sucks."

"I've never even seen you smile," he pointed out.

"Smiling is a waste of facial muscles."

"Well, you're really hot. Just thought I'd share," Eren said suddenly."You'd look hot with a smile."

"Sure,"I scowled, rolling my eyes at his wholesale flattery.

"I'm serious!" he exclaimed as a flash of lightning illuminated the room. Less than a second later, the crack of thunder resounded, rattling the windows of the small cabin. Eren jumped at the loud noise. "Levi, please. Tomorrow morning we can go back to student and teacher, but tonight, I really need a boyfriend. I need you." 

Eren's simple request shook me to my core as I took in a shaky breath, waiting to respond until I had regained my composure. It occurred to me that we were literally shacked up for the night. Even if I didn't do anything to him, I was aware of the implications of spending the night in a cabin alone with a seventeen year old. I was glad that the room was so dark, or he'd see the look of morbid excitement on my face. I was battling with my morality as I tried to make a decision. On one hand, I had just told him no, and that would show him that I was a total flake for him. On the other hand, he was right there, begging to have me do  _ something _ . We didn't necessarily have to have sex, I could certainly do other things for him. But as much as I wanted him, too, I knew how it would look. I wasn't a pedophile, and I didn't want to be seen as one. Or charged as one.

"I promise first thing tomorrow morning, we can forge-" I made up my mind by interrupting him with a rough, sloppy kiss. Dragging him with me, I slipped into a sinful piece of paradise, sliding my tongue against his lips. He parted his full, perfect lips for me, giving me full access to his mouth. I caught hold of his chin with one hand,and looped the thumb of my other hand through his belt loop, yanking him onto my lap. The kid learned quickly, as his legs automatically straddled my hips, breathing heavily as my hand started rubbing the outside of his thigh. I pulled myself from his mouth and he let out a quiet hiss when my hand worked its way underneath his shirt, gripping and pawing at the soft skin of his waist.

"Beautiful," I couldn't help but whisper to myself before latching my mouth to his neck, biting down hard. The brat let out a quiet yelp when I started sucking the thin skin of his neck into my mouth. At the same time I was making the hickey, I reached further up his shirt and pinched the stiff bud of one of his nipples between my thumb and forefinger. He couldn't hold back the quiet moan that escaped his lips as he automatically rutted his hips into my crotch. As I was continuing to rub the top and outside of his thigh, Eren was getting desperate. Urgently snatching my hand from his thigh and sliding it in between his beautifully spread thighs, slowly guiding my hand in his, he led my hand to his crotch. I squeezed his inner thigh gently as I continued to play with his nipple in my other hand.

"Levi,"he moaned breathily, begging me to do something more. Finally pulling off of his neck with a wet popping sound, I could, even in the dark, see the deep hickey right above his collarbone. Working my other hand directly onto Eren's crotch, I gave his erection a light squeeze."Ha~ah." He began to slowly, erratically roll his hips into my hand, and I was trying my hardest to keep my shit together. I couldn't have sex with him. It went against everything I had been trying to establish.

"What do you want me to do?" I breathed, blowing cold air onto his new hickey.

"Keep kissing me," he begged. "Keep touching me. Please, Levi, don't stop." Palming him roughly through his jeans, I took my fingers from his nipple and quickly lifted his shirt over his head. He made a quiet sound, almost like a whimper, when the cold air hit his bare skin. I kissed his lips again quickly before I slipped my greedy hand down the front of his jeans. Sliding my fingertips past the elastic band of his underwear, I could feel his throbbing cock in my hand. Longer and thicker than I had been expecting, I almost completely lost my grip on myself.

"You're packin' more than you let on, brat," I couldn't help but mutter into his ear.

"Thanks," Eren huffed, rocking his hips experimentally into my hand, pushing himself into my palm. I knew he needed the friction, and I was starting to need the same thing, though I had been trying to ignore it. I figured, maybe I wouldn't feel as guilty if I didn't have him do anything to me. I locked our lips together before I got too deviant. I didn't want to take advantage of him, and I was still recovering from my injuries, so I didn't want to dance with temptation. It was harder to think clearly when I kissed him, harder to think about how much he was tempting my body. 

Pulling my hand from his pants to unzip his zipper, I bit his lip, tugging it with bared teeth. Eren's shallow breathing hitched when I slid my hand back down the front of his pants. I took my teeth from his lip and caught him in an aggressive open-mouthed kiss. The lust was almost painful as I began palming him again, this time more gently,almost teasing him. I knew it wouldn't be enough for him, even before he pushed me back into the bed, sitting on my lap. He pulled my hand from his pants and I looked at him, totally confused and ignoring the pain shooting through my nervous system, slightly dulled by the painkiller.

Putting both of my hands on his ass, Eren got on his hands and knees. I gave his firm ass a tight squeeze while I waited for him to do what he was gonna do. "Ya know what your whole problem is?" he purred into my ear, lowering his hips onto my lap. I could feel his growing boner against mine as his lips ghosted my neck.

"What?"I tried to say, but my voice was only an aroused groan. He slowly arched his back, pushing his dick further into mine and I couldn't help the quiet pants that escaped my lungs.

"You think you're being all heroic, trying to spare my innocence. You think that because I'm a virgin that I have purity to spare. I don't think you realize I've been saving myself for the right person, but that I'm about the farthest thing from innocent you could possibly imagine."

I groaned, frowning at him as he slowly ground his hips down onto mine.

"You wanna know another problem with your world view?" Eren gripped my hair, tipping my head back and kissing just beneath my ear. He had effectively turned the tables on me.

They say only the good die young. If that was true, I'd be living a long time. "Tell me," I hissed, coming to my senses. I gripped his hips and thrust up, grinding harder into him.

"That's what I wanna hear." Eren reached down for my belt, unhooking it and planting a quick kiss against my collarbone. "Well, you keep trying to act like my dad. You're bossy and rude and cold. You think you can tell me what to do,because you know what's best for me. I appreciate it, I really do. It makes me feel special to know that Levi Hard-Ass Ackerman is looking out for me. But what if I told you that that only turns me on? You think you're intimidating me with the yelling, but you're a shitty father figure, Daddy." He breathed the last word into my neck, sending shivers down my spine and into the pit of my stomach. Leaning up to my ear he whispered, "Kids don't normally want their dads to fuck the shit out of them."

His words were driving my crazy side, but I wasn't going to have sex with him. I made up my mind. Rolling him onto his back, I pinned him."What I don't think  _ you _ understand is that I exercise control in all areas of my life," I snarled at the soft gasps spilling from his lips. I let that sink in while I planted some kisses on Eren's collarbone. He moaned quietly, strangling it so that it wouldn't make too much noise. "If we do anything, we do it  _ my way.  _ Do you understand me, brat?"

"Yes,"he panted. "God, yes." The thunder cracked again, following immediately after a bright flash of lightning. In the split second I saw him, Eren looked perfect. He had a beautiful blush burning into his cheeks, his eyes glossed over, arousal consuming his entire being, and I was certain I looked much the same.

"You're so beautiful," I mumbled, words falling out of my lips as I took his wrists into one of my hands, lifting them above his head.

"I never want morning to come," he breathed in response as I started kissing my way down his body. His soft skin was on fire beneath my lips, his wrists straining against my hand, wanting to be free.

"Let's get these off," I dictated, tugging on his pants before releasing his wrists so that I could pull his tight jeans off of his body, but as soon as control of his hands were returned to him, he had other ideas. Lifting my head with his hands, his lips crashed into mine in time with another flash of lightning and boom of thunder.

He pulled back and gripped the hem of my shirt, lifting it above my head and throwing it aside. His eyes widened in the darkness as he took in my bare chest and abdomen. There was a bandage wrapped just beneath my rib cage to protect the bullet wound that Eren's curious fingers ran gently over. "Jesus Christ, you're jacked. Okay, you can take my pants off now. Just had to do that," Eren muttered, his voice turning into a strained giggle as he enunciated the last sentence.

I wordlessly slid his jeans off and tossed them onto the floor, where they would be forgotten until the malignant morning came and ended our time together. My jaw nearly dropped at the size of the tent in his boxers, freshly wet spots near the top of it. "Fuck, Eren. Did I do this to you?" I asked, gripping his clothed cock in my right hand. He gasped at the feeling of my hand on him again and nodded erratically. I had never wanted to have sex more in my life, but I knew I would end up kicking myself later over the whole thing, so, once again, I told myself no.

I brought my mouth down on his chest continuing to kiss my way down his lean body. I bit down hard, sucking on the skin of his tight abdomen. "Levi," he moaned. There was such a strong desire in his voice, that it almost sounded like need. Like he needed me to touch him, kiss him, bite him. Needed me to make him feel good. That did things to my head. I all but ripped his boxers off of his body, exposing his hard cock. He went to cover it with his hands, but I swatted them away.

"Just lemme look for a second," I murmured, totally engrossed as my eyes took in the image presented before me. He was an image of Eros, a young god on the bed beneath me. His eyes were wide, but dark with lust, his full lips parted, and his salty skin glistened, even in the dark. "God damn."I snapped out of my daze and scooted down on the bed, determined to give him the climax of his life. I started kissing up his thigh, leaving dark hickeys in my wake. I knew it was stupid to mark him the way that I was, but I couldn't bring myself to give a shit. His upper half was covered in the budding purple bruises and his inner thighs were getting there as well.

"Levi, please, I can't take it anymore," Eren whimpered.

"What was that, Kitten?" I purred sadistically, squeezing his thighs, and lifting his knees over my shoulders.

"Daddy, I need you," the brat gasped. He knew exactly what buttons to push as I lined my mouth up with his cock and went down on it in one go. I hollowed out my cheeks and started to slowly pull off of him. I made my way back up, licking the underside of his shaft at a speed that I knew would only annoy him. "D-daddy," he stammered as I kneaded his firm ass. "I need it back in your mouth."

"You're so wet for me. You're so hard for me, Eren," I muttered into the soft spot between his hips. I slowly took him in again, his hips straining, trying not to buck into my mouth. I felt the head of his dick press against the back of my throat, so I adjusted the angle my head was at, pushing him further down my throat.

"Fuck,"he whispered, a desperate edge to his voice that went straight to my dick. He lost his grip entirely, lacing his fingers through my hair and slamming into my mouth. He kept thrusting his hips in time with the bobbing motion I was making while I sucked him off. He was moaning my name like it was a mantra, like he was praying for the pressure to go away. His hips started to give, getting sloppy with his thrusting. I could taste the salty precum coating my mouth, a foreign feeling considering the years it had been since I had given anybody head. "Levi I'm close. Levi, I'm gonna cum." The boy squirmed around on the bed beneath him, his body uncomfortable and needing release.

Something about sucking dick had always disgusted me, but with Eren, it felt different. I wanted it in my mouth. I needed to taste him, so I kept sucking him, reaching down and finally giving myself some attention.It was getting too much to handle, and I needed some kind of stimulus as well. I choked a gasp around Eren when my dick responded to my rough palming. My quiet moans vibrated around his cock, causing him to arch his back and climax, his trembling legs wrapping tighter around my shoulders.

"Levi!"he screamed, flustered and climaxing, shooting his cum into my mouth and down my throat. The lightning flashed and the thunder rolled as I pulled off of him and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. His flushed cheeks and tired eyes brought my hand back to my own weeping cock. I groaned at my hand on my dick as I crawled over Eren's limp body, kissing him softly. His lips moved against mine, still obviously hungry for the one thing I wasn't going to give him. His hands roamed my body, one of them working its way around mine. His long, slender fingers pried my hand from my dick as he started pumping it himself.

He flicked his wrist, tightening his fingers around me as he picked up the pace of his hand.

"Eren, Jesus," I muttered in between kisses on his needy mouth. His every move drove more energy into the pool at the pit of my stomach.Shifting my weight onto my forearms resting on either side of Eren's head, I gained more access to his mouth, using it to my full advantage. Eren yanked my belt from the loops, smiling as he leaned up to kiss me again.

"On your back," he directed, hooking a leg around my hip and flipping me over once more. His burning green eyes stabbed into mine with a smug gleam. "You're not leaving unsatisfied."

"Goddamn," I hissed while Eren ground down onto the tent in my pants, rolling his hips down into mine. Planting a final, quick kiss on my lips, Eren's lips moved to my neck. I could feel him smiling as he gently pressed his lips to the space beneath my ear, working his way down. He bit down and I couldn't hold back the heavy moan on my mouth when he started slowly humping me, thrusting his hips into mine. I started to meet his grinding with some of my own, snapping my hips up to meet him halfway. Finally, pulling off of my neck, Eren snickered quietly.

"There. Now you'll have just as much to explain as I will," Eren giggled before continuing to make a wet trail down my body with his mouth, an obvious malevolent gleam in his innocent looking eyes. He made it to my hips and stopped, blowing cold air into the hollow space between my hip bones. Slowly peeling my pants off, Eren lifted one of my legs over his shoulder, using my other as a kickstand of sorts. He bit gently into the space between my hips, flicking the sensitive skin with his warm, wet tongue. Five of his fingers found their home in the waistband of my briefs while the other ones began their work. Through my underwear he began giving my dick a series of squeezes from the base to the head.

"Baby, please," I managed to eke out, tipping my head back and squeezing my eyes shut.

"Yeah, Daddy?" Eren asked with a nonchalant air about him that almost made me cum right there.

"I can't take any more teasing. Baby, please do something," I begged,embarrassed by my own desperation.

"Okay, but you won't hear much from me for a while. It's rude to talk with your mouth full," he purred, tracing his fingers up the clothed shaft of my dick. "My God, you're fucking hung!"

"Okay, enough," I snapped, uncomfortable with his appraisal of my cock.

"But, like how do you even wear pants?" Eren asked, lowering his mouth down to the base of it, kissing it through my underwear, leaving a small wet spot where his mouth had been, a cold tingling sensation left behind when he pulled his mouth away.

"Eren, get on with it," I groaned. "If it hadn't been so long, things would be different and I'd be able to tolerate more of this."

"Levi, you can't expect to have a dick like this and not have me drooling on it," Eren breathed with a mischievous glint in his eyes. " _ Just lemme look for a sec, _ " he mimicked my own words. I rolled my eyes at him and let him continue with whatever kind of sick staring he was doing.

"You psycho," I muttered, sucking in a sharp breath through my teeth when he kissed my dick again, working his mouth up to the head. He planted a few kisses through my briefs before finally yanking them off. I let a sigh of relief escape my lungs as he slid them down my thighs, carefully navigating over the bandage wrap on my left thigh and off my body entirely.

"You say all this shit about how I'm beautiful, but holy fuck look at you," Eren whispered. I sighed loudly, waiting for him to quit teasing. He licked up the side of my hard cock, planting a kiss on the head before starting to go down on it. Slowly, slowly, inch by inch, he took me all the way into his mouth. Even in the dark, I could see the tears in his eyes. He sucked in his cheeks, the soft skin of the inside of his mouth pressing against my painful boner. The warm wetness of Eren's mouth was sensational as he started to slowly bob his head up and down on me, his lips meeting the base of my dick every time. He sucked me off like it was the easiest thing in the world for him and before long he guided my hand to his hair. He looked up at me with taunting eyes, like he was waiting for me to lose it on him. He pulled off of me, almost entirely, flicking the sensitive head of my cock with his tongue. "I like it rough, Daddy.Choke me with it."

I cleared my throat in disbelief at the brat giving me head. He winked at me before lowering his mouth back to the base of my cock. I took a firm grip on his hair and thrust upwards into his mouth, slamming myself down his throat. He took me flawlessly, even with the added aggression as I continued to fuck his mouth. Flopping back onto the bed, I kept bucking my hips up into his mouth in time with the rhythmic bob of his head. The lightning flashed, showing me the scene before me with all the more clarity.

"Fuck, Eren. God, you have no idea how long I've wanted this," I moaned, arching my back and fixing my angle. He obviously had experience in this specific field. "Eren," I breathed, feeling my orgasm closing in. "Eren do you want me to finish in your mouth? Cuz it's about that time."

Eren reached his hand up, planting a thumbs-up on my chest before returning his hand to my thigh, rubbing circles into it with his thumb.

I kept moaning his name, I couldn't get it out of my mouth, like a song that was stuck in my head. "Ere- shit!" I thrust up into his mouth a final time, shooting my seed down his throat. He swallowed every last drop before pulling off of me with a smug grin.

" _ So guess who just got head from Levi Hard Ass Ackerman?" Eren exclaimed into the camera, his eyes glittering in the dim light of the room. _

" _ Shut the fuck up, brat," I snapped, my voice muffled by the sheets."Don't kiss n' tell." _

" _ More like don't give bj's and tell," Eren corrected. "But now he's making me pretend like it never even happened. Like, what a bitch." _

" _ Ya know, I can fucking hear you, shit stain." _

" _ I know," Eren snickered. _

" _ Why the fuck are you video taping? Both of us are butt ass naked. The universe does not need to see this bullshit." Eren didn't show beneath his collarbone, but it was still an attractive sight. He was covered in dark purple bruises starting at the top of his neck, dappling the entirety of what the camera captured. _

" _ You're under a blanket. No need to get your panties in a twist. But yeah, it's day fifty-seven, I think. Holy shit! Levi you gave me so many hickies. What the fuck is wrong with your sick ass?" _

" _ How many?" I asked from off screen. _

" _ Several. Hold on, I'm counting." Eren was silent for a moment as he looked down, counting the ones on his lower body. "Twenty seven. Twenty-fucking-seven, Levi! What the fuck were you thinking? It isn't like I can hide the ones on my neck." _

" _ That sounds like your problem," I mumbled. "Now turn the goddamn camera off before I throw it across the room." _

" _ Well, bye," Eren whispered playfully, shutting the camera off. _

I think back to that time, how happy I was when he finally ended the video, but now I'm glad to have it. I'm so grateful to have that candid shot of the love of my life being a fucking dumbass. I'm lucky to have anything left of him at all. Burying my face into my knees, I can feel Hanji's warm hand patting my shoulder. I am totally defeated.

"Sorry, Shorty. I wish things didn't have to be this way," she murmurs, planting a comforting kiss in my hair. There is nothing sexual about it. Hanji isn't into sex, but I can feel an unconditional love in it.I knew she would always be there for me. The question was really whether I would be there for her. The fantasizing about putting a bullet in my head begged to differ. "Let's call it a night. You've had enough rehashing trauma for one day." Only I wasn't even rehashing trauma, my weak ass couldn't even think about the good times anymore.


	13. Chapter 11

_ "Not gonna lie, I feel kinda bad for Levi- er Mr. Ackerman. Everybody's been giving him hell all day cuz of the stuff we did last night. I guess that makes it day fifty-eight, then. I'm trying not to call him Levi anymore, to annoy him. I know, I know I just said I felt bad for him, but not that bad. He's being an asshole trying to make this whole deal a one time thing. Like he knows we both want it, but here he is, being a total dick about this. I'm not saying he deserved the random punch to the face from my sister, but I am saying it wasn't enough for me to intervene." Eren glanced out of the window. "But, also, I would not complain if he walked in here right now and did something nasty to me." _

_ Eren snickered at his own comment, climbing onto his bed and folding his legs. "The worst part is, the past few days, I can barely even think about him without fantasizing. Like, this whole wanting his dick up my ass is really fucking with the relationship that we have. I would say friendship, but Levi is- fuck, Mr. Ackerman, sorry," he corrected again. "Mr. Ackerman isn't really into having friends, especially with people so much younger than him. But then why does he like me like that? _

_ "Ugh! My life is so confusing! You'd think with all this death and disease and whatnot, it'd be pretty straightforward. Like, if you live, you live. If you die, you die. If you're hungry, you eat. If you're horny, you fuck. But  _ no!  _ I had to fall for the only person with any sort of sexual morals left. I just don't understand why fate is such a whore. Like, is this karma for ditching all his math classes? Karma is such a bitch. I'm gonna fuckin' die, like there is so much tension, I just wanna shoot myself. Whatever. I gotta go. Somebody's here." _

I turn off the camera, taking a deep breath, trying not to think of the wicked irony in what he was ranting about. "Baby, I'm so sorry," I mumble, still not able to say his name aloud. Even thinking about it singes my veins until I'm nothing but a shriveled, frazzled shell of a human being. "I - I want you back. I want things to be the way that they were, and I want you here. Come back. I was so stupid. I shouldn't have been so stupid. I need you! I love you more than anything. I'm so sorry I never said it back. I'm sorry," I choke on the last word and burst into tears again, consumed by an icy regret that chills me to the bone and burns like fire at the same time. Fully aware of how weird it is to talk to a video camera like it's animate, I clutch it tightly in my hands, hugging it to my chest and sobbing. For the first time, I'm fully aware of how quickly I'm losing my mind. Lost in body wracking sobs, I don't even notice Hanji climbing into my tent with me until she's wrapping her arms around me.

"Hey, hey," she murmurs into my hair. "I know."

"I love him s-so much," I sputter, leaning into my best friend as she gently pets my hair.

"I know, Hun," she whispers, reaching her hand around my body and squeezing my shoulder.

"And - and I never even f- fucking said it. He never knew how much I love him." I try to sniff, but the air is blocked coming into my nose and I choke on another sob. Tears begin to drip from my chin onto the floor of the tent, collecting into a small puddle in front of my crossed legs.

"Levi, I promise you, he knew," Hanji coos.

"How would he know? I'm cold, and unemotional. If I never even told him that I love him, there's no way in hell that he would know."

"Every time you said it to me, I told him," she confides.

"Y-you did?" I gasp, appreciating the extra oxygen.

"You think I wouldn't have? That's big news, and I've never been one for secrets."

"You meddling bitch," I whisper through my tears. My voice is growing hoarse the longer I cry. "Thank you."

"That's my job," she chuckles sadly, pushing her glasses further up her nose.

"Thank you," I repeat, enforcing my gratitude.

"Of course." I straighten up and calm myself to the point where I can speak without flipping my shit.

"Ya know, when we made it to the quarantine zone and got evacuated, I was gonna marry the brat." My breath hitches despite my desperate attempts to stop crying.

"You were?" Hanji gasps, pulling back just far enough to meet my eyes.

"Of fucking course I was. There was no doubt in my mind that we would end up living on a beach somewhere with a couple kids and a dog."

"You were gonna go all white picket fence for him?" Hanji asked. "You haven't ever wanted to settle down for someone before."

"I don't think you're grasping how important he is to me. He was the only one for me, Hanji. He was the only one I had even considered spending the rest of my life with. There was nobody like him. He was so perfect. You know I'm not a God person, but this, my whole relationship with him, was almost definitely some kind of fate. He was the only person that ever made me feel this much. And now he's fucking gone, and I have nobody else. But, Hanji, he took me with him." The truth of that statement hit me like a tidal wave as I collapsed into her arms again.


	14. Chapter 12

I can't remember the last time I slept for any significant period of time. Hanji and I have been trekking South for several days, and I am not sure exactly how long I've slept. Every time I try to sleep, he invades my dreams, and I wake up sobbing. As we walk in silence, I have vivid flashbacks to the year before.

"Hey, Jean," Eren said with a flirty smirk playing his features. We were standing in line to receive our daily food rations.

"Sup, Jaeger?" Jean responded, raising an eyebrow at him.

"Do you, uh, wanna, y'know, do that thing we did last night?" Eren asked directly in front of me, glancing back at me with blades in his eyes.

"Same time, same place?"

"You bet," Eren giggled, biting his full bottom lip. I nearly threw up when Jean's arm found its way around  _ my _ brat's waist.

"Fuck!" I snapped, accidentally vocalizing my annoyance. I was annoyed at the scene playing out before me, but I was more annoyed by the fact that he wasn't my anything. Not my boyfriend, not my brat, not mine at all. I was annoyed with the fact that I was, yet again, in the wrong.

"Did you need something, Mr. Ackerman?" Eren asked knowingly, turning around so that he could face me.

"No. Just keep your disgusting teenage puppy love away from my presence," I muttered. I knew I had fucked up. I knew I had no reason to be upset with either of them. I had done this to myself by rejecting the brat so hard.

"But PDA is so much fun, isn't it, Jean?" Eren debated, batting his long eyelashes at his supposed partner.

"You're damn right it is, Jaeger." Jean planted a kiss on Eren's forehead and I wanted to punch that smirk off his stupid face. I was such a fool. Taking a deep breath, I try to calm myself, to no avail.

"The only one that calls him Jaeger is me. Are we clear?" I hissed, unable to get a grip on my nagging emotions. I could see the creeping blush begin to consume Eren when I said that. "And I didn't see you getting over Marco this quickly."

"I don't think you have any kinda jurisdiction. I can call him what I want to, Mr. Ackerman. You're just his math teacher, remember?" Jean glowered smugly at me, completely ignoring my comment about Marco. Turning Eren back around, Jean slid his hand into the brat's back pocket. I couldn't take any more. I stomped out of the food line and back towards my cabin, decidedly having lost my appetite.

I was fuming when I accidentally bumped into Erwin, both of us wincing at the impact. Our healing wounds disagreed with the abrupt physical contact.

"Watch it, Levi," Erwin snickered, rubbing the bandage at the top of his shoulder, where his arm used to be. "Who got your panties in a twist?"

"Who the fuck do you think, Eyebrows?"

"I have a couple guesses."

"That shitty brat is with  _ Jean _ . Jean Kirschtein. What does the horse faced bastard have that I fucking don't?" I demanded, throwing my hands up in frustration.

"Well, for one, he didn't outright reject Eren. After getting a blowjob from him."

"How the fuck did you-"

"Hanji told me."

"How the fuck did Hanji-"

"She pried it out of Eren," Erwin responded nonchalantly, as if the ins and outs of my sexual relations was as common conversation as the weather.

"That bitch."

"Correction: those bitches. It takes two to have a conversation, Levi," Erwin pointed out.

"Not with Hanji. She has ways of getting shit out of you without you even saying a word. She certainly enjoys interrogation."

"Who enjoys interrogation?" Hanji asked, appearing out of nowhere and taking a bite of some kind of sandwich.

"You do, bitch," I snapped. "Hanji, you can't just go around extorting people for information about my sex life."

"Sure I can! I just did!" She chirped, a perverse glitter in her eyes.

"You disturb me," Erwin chimed in.

"Says the one. You were married, Erwin. Cheating on your wife isn't very nice. Even if it is with a beautiful slice of man such as Levi."

"Excuse me?" I barked, shoving Hanji hard.

"Beautiful slice of man?!" Erwin guffawed before quickly regaining his composure. "That is highly innappropriate conduct, Ms. Zoe."

"Oh screw you. I'm the entire reason you didn't get caught sodomizing each other  _ on school grounds _ . You should be thanking me."

"Jesus Christ, Hanji. Who says 'sodomizing' any-" Erwin started to respond.

"Wait. I have an idea," Hanji interrupted.

"What kind of an idea?" I asked in response.

"The  _ fun _ kind," she giggled maniacally.

"Listening," I replied, gesturing for her to continue talking. Erwin cocked an eyebrow at her and she began talking again.

"What if you and Stumpy over here-"

"Who exactly are you calling Stumpy?" Erwin asked, cutting Hanji off.

"Hmm, I dunno. Maybe the tall dude with the  _ stump for an arm _ . Anyways, before I was so rudely interrupted." Hanji glared over her glasses at Erwin. "What if you and Stumpy got back together?"

"What? No." I answered, folding my arms.

"Yeah that's one of those bad ideas," Erwin agreed.

"No, no. Hear me out. So you two  _ pretend _ to get back together and make Eren as jealous as he's intentionally making you by pretending to get with Jean."

"What the fuck, Hanji? How do you know that he's pretending?" I snapped.

"I'm Hanji. I know everything. And if I don't know, I find out."

"Clearly," I scoffed, rolling my eyes.

"Actually that plan isn't half bad, Levi. It could help you get Eren. You can't reject him this time, though," Erwin nodded with Hanji. "I'd certainly pretend to be attracted to you. For the cause, of course."

I snorted as Erwin tipped my chin up with his index finger. "For the cause," I repeated, staring into his glimmering azure eyes as he quickly met our mouths. His lips weren't the same as Eren's, though I couldn't complain, exactly. They were just different. I melted into the familiar feeling of kissing Erwin, letting him dominate the kiss. Pulling back for air, Erwin grinned, a feeling of triumph crossing his expressive features.

"I have wanted to do that again for a long time," Erwin chuckled bashfully as I realized that I had just complicated things even further.

"Levi. Levi! Snap out of it," Hanji exclaims, pulling me from my daydreams.

"Huh?" I mumble as Hanji feels my forehead with the back of her hand.

"Are you feeling okay?" She asks, her big brown eyes full of worry. I nod slowly, trying to seem less mentally handicapped.

"Yeah, just tired."

"Here," she said, handing me some kind of granola bar. I shook my head and pushed her hand away.

"Levi, you haven't eaten since we met up again. Please, you need to eat something." Hanji waved the bar in my general direction.

"No, seriously, it's fine. Stop worrying. You're not my fucking mother, Hanji. I'll eat when I have an appetite."

"You're getting weak, Levi. You're starving! You look like a god damn skeleton."

"Well you look great too, Hanji. Thanks for the fucking compliment," I snapped.

"Fine, don't eat. I'll just watch my best friend stave himself to death. No biggie." Hanji folded her arms and stomped forward.

"Jesus Christ, Hanji. Fine. I'll eat the fucking granola bar, ass clown." I snatched the bar from her hands and unwrapped it, taking a large bite. "There. Are you fucking happy?" I scarfed the rest of the bar down in front of her, to appease her, but a part of me also noted how hungry I was while I ate it. It was like my stomach remembered how to be a stomach and was now reminding me that I needed to fill it.

"I guess, Levi, but you can't do this to yourself. I understand that you're beating yourself up, but you seriously need to knock it off. It's bad for you, and it's so hard for me to watch, because it isn't even your fault that he's dead. You didn't kill him, but you're treating yourself like you planned and executed his death all "Tell Tale Heart" style. You didn't. You had no idea that was gonna happen, Levi. I swear even Eren-"

"Shut up!" I cried. "Shut the fuck up! I ate your fucking Clif bar, Jesus fucking Christ! Don't talk about him. You know what it does to me! Please, Hanji, don't ever say his name again." I felt the lump in my throat strangling me as I choked on my first sob of the day.

"I'm really scared for you, Levi," Hanji mumbled under her breath. Internally, I was annoyed that she would say something like that but in reality, I was too. I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to make it to California, leaving Hanji to fend for herself. What once was the best thing that had ever happened to me was now sharpened into blades that were slowly killing me. He was tearing me apart, and he wasn't even alive to do it in person.


	15. Chapter 13

The rest of the ten miles we walked was done in silence, both of us too heated to have any kind of productive conversation. Finally, it was Hanji who broke the tense silence around dusk.

"So should we set up camp?" She asks quietly, looking at me with wide brown eyes.

"Sure," I mutter, eyeing the space to the side of the abandoned freeway, looking for a spot to pitch our tents. I freeze in my tracks when I hear a soft sound, a quiet metallic knocking noise.

"What is it?" Hanji asks nervously, rubbing her arm.

"Shh," I shush her, holding my finger up. The sound is getting closer. We had gotten amunition back in Provo, so I slip two bullets into my shotgun and cock it, turning around to face whatever is making that noise. I squint in the dim light, looking for whatever kind of creature is making such odd noises. What I see startles me. It is a man, riding a tall black horse. He looks like a horseman of the apocalypse in his worn brown cloak. "What the-"

I lower my gun, my eyes not leaving the man or his steed. He rides up to us, and the sheer size of the stallion he is riding is enough to totally intimidate me.

"Who are you?" Hanji hisses defensively, an almost feral edge to her voice. She has her glock trained on the stranger, ready to shoot to kill.

"I apologize for startling you. You must be scared. My name is Francisco." He removes his hood, revealing a sane looking man in his mid forties. He looks completely normal apart from the deep scar running from his forehead to his chin, over his left eye and marring his lips. "And this is Bandit," he gestures, patting his black horse. His clear voice has the remnants of a slightly lilted accent.

"Why?" I can't help but ask, waving my hand at the giant horse.

"Makes supply runs faster. And I used to manage a barn of horses like him. I guess I still do, just not for a salary anymore. I couldn't just let these animals die. I have a lot of other Frisians and Percheron back on my farm. It used to be a huge essential oil farm, but now it's just where I live. Come, you must be tired."

"Look, man, we appreciate the offer, but we don't know you. How do you expect us to trust you in a world like this?"

"Levi, don't be stupid. We could get a nice place to sleep, and a warm meal. What more do you want?"

"To not be murdered by some sketchy dude on the fuckin' grim reaper's horse."

"I understand that you don't exactly trust me, because sometimes the survivors are worse than the monsters the others have become. But I mean no harm to either of you. I just want to make sure you have a place to stay for the night. And my farm is further south, so you'll be closer to Los Angeles if you let me take you in for the next little bit."

"How do you know about Los Angeles?" I demand.

"I know about Los Angeles from other travelers that have passed through the area."

"Why haven't you gone to LA, then?"

"No desire. My family is chained up in my basement, all of them infected. I couldn't leave them if I tried."

I let out a long sigh. I know how nice it would be to have a comfortable place to spend the night, and I have certainly seen weirder people offering their aid. "Fine. Let's go."

"Thank you," Hanji says for the both of us. "He's kinda grumpy," she tries to justify.

"No worries. I understand the skepticism," Francisco nods. "You both seem pretty light, would you like a ride?" He reaches his arm down to us.

"Sure!" Hanji chirps, taking his hand as he hoists her up onto the giant horse.

"I'm fine walking. How far is it?" I ask, folding my arms and glaring up at my excited friend.

"Not far. Only about another mile or so," Francisco replies with a warm smile. I groan out loud, frustrated that I will have to walk an eleventh mile.

"Fuck. Sure. I'll take a ride. Don't lemme fuckin' fall off that damn animal."

"I assure you, you will not fall." I grip his hand and was shocked as he easily swings me up onto the massive creature. The sheer muscle underneath Bandit's shiny black coat is staggering, but being on top of the steed was a different feeling altogether. I have ridden horses before, but it has been probably twenty years. I quickly wrap my arms around Hanji's fit waist to keep from losing my balance. "But I never got your names."

"Oh, yeah, sorry, I'm Hanji, and the grumpy dwarf is Levi," Hanji announces proudly.

"Fuck you."

"I can see the grumpy," Francisco chuckles. "In any manner, it's nice to meet you two."

"Yeah, you too," Hanji smiles as the horse started to pick up its pace. I clung tighter to her slim body, trying not to slide off.

"I-it smells like lavender," I stutter, confused at the source of the smell.

"I always put some in my saddle bag," Fernando explains. "It repels the infected if it's fresh. If it's dried, they don't seem to notice you at all. I've walked right through mobs of infected and they noticed me less than they would even notice a breeze."

"Wait, really?" Hanji exclaims, her entire body stiffening in my arms.

"Yeah. It's pretty cool actually," Francisco affirms, but all I can think of is the dead boy, laying alone forever in the mall in Logan, and how useful it would have been to know this before it was too late.

We arrive about fifteen minutes of bumpy travelling later, and Francisco turns off of the freeway and on to a side road. He takes us to a large barn on some kind of farm property. There are several buildings of stables and worker's quarters, and even an old visitor's center.

"What is this place?" Hanji questions as Francisco helps her down.

"This once was called Young Living Farm, but now it's Francisco's personal farm," the man chuckled. "Seeing as I'm the only person here anymore." He reaches up for my hand and I take it, accepting the help as I slide off the back of Bandit.

"Huh," Hanji muses. "I don't think I've ever heard of this place."

"Are you two from the area?" Francisco asks. Both of us shake our heads. I had only ever been to Utah once for a skiing trip when I was eight years old. "Then you wouldn't have heard of Young Living, but it was big around here before the infection hit."

"I bet. Seems like a popular spot. Kinda tourist-y," Hanji nods.

"Quite tourist-y," Francisco agrees, leading Bandit to one of the stables. "Good boy," he coos, petting the horse's nose. "That's my good boy."

"He's really cute," Hanji gushes. "Can I pet him?"

"Be my guest."

Hanji reaches out with her palm down, letting her fingers dangle. I wonder what she's doing until I realize that she's letting the horse sniff her. I can see the black horse flaring his nostirils, taking in Hanji's scent. Finally, she reaches her hand out to his thick neck, stroking his soft coat. "Hi, Bandit. You're a good boy. Thanks for letting all three of us ride you. You must be really trained, huh? Yeah, pretty boy."

"Would you like to pet him, too, Mr. Levi?" Francisco asks, raising an eyebrow at me. I shake my head.

"I'm good."

"What kind of horse is he?" Hanji inquires.

"He's a full blooded Fresian stud," Francisco responds informatively. "And highly trained at that. I have put countless hours into this baby." He pats the horse's neck appreciatively. "But he has certainly treated me well. And at nineteen hands, I'm so grateful." Hanji let out a quiet gasp at that, though I'm not sure what exactly they were referring to with 'hands.'

"Seems like it. I'm impressed you can get a stallion to do all the stuff he does so politely. I rode competitively in high school."

"Honestly so am I," the man gushes. "And that's terrific! English or Western?"

"Well, mostly English, but I have always been kind of an adrenaline junkie, so I had my horses trained in barrel racing as well."

"Ugh, don't tell me you were a horse girl," I groan. "They're all crazy as fuck."

"Have you even met me?" Hanji giggles. "I'm the epitome of crazy."

"Ya got me there," I grumble, folding my arms and shifting my weight, accidentally in sync with the massive beast. I scoff and raise my eyebrow scornfully at him. "Well, as stimulating as this horsey gaga bullshit talk is, I think I want to go to bed."

"Sure," Francisco consents. "The sleeping quarters are the first building to the left of this one. I can bring dinner to your quarters if you're looking to retire for the night."

"Thanks," I mumble and shuffle out of the barn, leaving Hanji to fangirl with Francisco about equestrian nonsense.

As soon as I am alone, I run to the sleeping quarters and lock myself in what looks like a spare bedroom. I fling my backpack onto the dusty bed, remembering with disgust how dusty Utah is. I sit at the foot of the bed, the cushion of the bed a luxurious relief to my aching body. "Fuck," I groan at my screaming muscles, as I search my bag for my Marlboros. I light one with a match and take a long hit.

I can feel my body trying to calm itself with the aid of the nicotene, but I'm still shaking. Cigarette in my mouth, I pull the video camera out and hit play on the next video.

_ "So a lot has happened, mostly because I lost my camera. I think it's day one hundred and four, but don't check me on that. So, it's January right now, almost February and cold as fuck, but Mr. Ackerman still sits outside on guard all night. I have no idea how he isn't dead from hypothermia or something. But he's back with Mr. Smith, which, I guess I kinda had coming for pretending to get at Jean, but still, shit hurts. But Jean and I already broke up," Eren ranted, putting air quotes over his final words. His breath was visible, even in the cabin, and it was obvious he had been losing sleep about something. "But I kinda broke down a little bit and gave Mr. Ackerman a hug and called him Levi for his birthday, which is on Christmas, ironically enough. He got all angry with me, but I think it was probably more just a frustrated confused. But Mikasa and I are getting along better, mostly because every time we argue, Mr. Ackerman yells at us. Mostly at me. Who am I kidding, it's hot as fuck when he yells. I'm just so glad to have a roof over my head right about now, because this fuckin' blizzard is no joke. And I guess I'm grateful for the night we had together, because now that he's with Mr. Smith, I don't think I'll ever get another one. It's probably for the better, anyway, with the age gap and judgy people, ya know?" There was a long pause before Eren spoke again, an anguished expression on his face. _

_ Eren let out a long sigh. "Fuck. I-" he glanced down, off camera for a second before looking up again, his rosy cheeks even pinker than they had been before, his green eyes suddenly dilated and thick with arousal. "I gotta go, bye." _

I stomp out the spent butt as I remember the hug Eren had given me for my birthday. I was walking towards my cabin and the brat approached me, pulling me into a sudden, tight embrace.

"Happy birthday, Levi," he whispered in my ear in the sexiest voice I had ever heard in my life. Then, he pulled away and walked off as quickly as he had come. I was left totally perplexed and instantly horny, but I wouldn't take that out on Erwin. The rule had been no sex. I didn't want anybody but Eren sexually.

His voice replays in my decaying mind and all I can think about is his body, the flustered look on his face when he realized he had a boner on camera. His perfect lips on mine, his hands touching me, his prominent collar bone, marked with hickeys, the little purple bruises dotting his entire body, proving to the world that he was  _ mine _ .

I close my eyes and picture him in the bed next to me. I flop backwards, bouncing on the springy mattress. I throw my arm over my face in an act of painful desire, squeezing my eyes shut and trying to ignore the obvious.

"Levi," I can hear him, can almost feel his lips brushing my ear. I must really be losing it; it feels so real. I clamp my hand over my mouth in a desperate attempt to stay silent. I can feel a tingle spread through my chest, as if without even touching me, his fingers are slowly dragging their way from my neck to my belt.

I can't take anymore. My mind is torturing me. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to repress my urges, but it's getting increasingly more difficult to ignore. I feel waves of guilt washing over my tense body, all of my muscles tensing the longer I ignore the situation at hand. "Absolutely not," I snap aloud. I know that if I start, I won't be able to finish. "God, I'm such a pussy." I take a deep breath and sit up, running a hand through my hair and looking around the room to distract myself from the obvious.

An abrupt knock helps me further sober up. "Come in."

"Hunny," Hanji's familiar voice resounds from behind the door. "The door is locked. You have to come open it. I wouldn't have knocked if it was unlocked. Hey! That rhymed!"

"Tch, whatever." I stood, tugging on my pants to hide the hard on. It was no use, so I simply shoved both of my hands into my pockets, trying to make the strain on my jeans uniform at least. I unlocked the door and pulled it open to reveal my best friend with a glimmer in her eyes.

"How's my precious Levi?" Hanji exploded with beams of disgusting sunshine and vile happiness while I sat back on the foot of the bed.

"Ca- can I ask you about something?" I trip over my words, rubbing the back of my neck anxiously.

"Bout what, Sugar?" Hanji asks, tilting her head to the side inquisitively.

"Him. From- from before."

"Aw, sure. What do you want to know? I talked a lot with his guidance counselor, and I know you did, too. We were all worried about him."

"Wait, you spoke with his counselor?" I ask, looking up at her, tearing my eyes from the intricate grains of the hardwood floor. She nods solemnly.

"I'm not sure there's any faculty member that didn't. After he overdosed in the bathroom-"

"What?!" I boom, slamming my palm into the wall, and staring at her with a new fury shooting through my entire being. "He- he what?" I tried to calm my voice, but it didn't work very well, hysteria replacing the initial angry shock.

"Yeah. Nobody knows how he got that much percocet, and he never said where he had gotten it from."

"Why did nobody tell me this? I'm sure there was at least a faculty meeting about it. Did you guys just forget about me in that?"

"No, because it happened when you left for that week to go to your uncle's funeral. We didn't want to stress you out further, and it wasn't a big enough deal to bring it up with you anyway. People overdose every day. Kids at our school were always living in a cloud, whether it was weed or worse. It was bound to happen eventually. And we all knew how much you cared about him, and didn't wanna upset you with the news. I was gonna tell you, but there's a point where that kinda thing does more harm than good."

"But, Hanji, you could have told me. I could have helped him."

"Honestly, Levi, and you're gonna hate me for saying this, but this apocalypse was probably the best thing that happened to that kid. It probably extended his life, if we're being honest, and he got to die knowing that somebody would have taken his place in a heartbeat. He got to know what love felt like, and I don't think he ever would have felt that if this outbreak hadn't happened. He was sad, Levi. So sad. The way it was going, he wasn't gonna make it to see this year. Nobody would have called it this way, but it almost certainly would have been suicide." I am shaking with anger and fear and grief, deadly emotions radiating through my entire being. Hanji couldn't be right. This was not the only way he would have made it to eighteen. Was it?

"No. No that's fucking bullshit," I argue. "Don't you fucking lie to me, Hanji. God, you're a real bitch sometimes."

"Levi, before I even told you about his overdose, you knew he was lucky to have made it to eighteen."

"The hell are you talking about?"

"You really didn't look, did you? You ignored it, so that you wouldn't be afraid. You knew if you accepted his issues with that kinda thing, you would have had a lot more to worry about with him. Pretending not to see it isn't the same thing as it not being there."

"Fuck you. What the fuck is wrong with you?! He didn't have a drug problem!"

"Levi, you and I both know that he did, whether you decide to admit it or not."

"No," I argued weakly, knowing deep down that Hanji was right. I was losing steam. Hanji wraps her arm around me, rubbing my shoulder and humming quietly.

"I know, it's a really sad situation to be in. I know you love him. I'm just glad he got to go knowing that somebody did."

"But I never told him," I mumble, my voice hoarse.

"Even without me telling him, it was so obvious, Levi. All of us could see it. Eren knew. I already told you he knew. I wasn't lying. Towards the end, especially, he was absolutely glowing."

"I sure fuckin' hope so, Hanji," I sigh, totally defeated. I want nothing more in that moment than to have him here with me, where I can keep him safe from everything the cosmos is currently throwing at him, but as it is, it seems like I'm the one that needs looking after.


	16. Chapter 14

It was late, the flicker of the dying campfire the only thing I had to look at on the frigid January night. I could see more stars than anybody had numbers for as I gazed into the dappled sky. I took a deep breath, watching the steam escape my lips, the cold air stinging my insides. I allowed myself to get lost in Orion, the famed hunter.

"Uh, Mr. Ackerman?"

I instantly snapped to attention, instinctively reaching for my weapon, only to lower it again when I saw that it was just Eren. "What do you want, brat? It's probably, like four by now. You should be asleep."

"I can't sleep," the brat argued. I rolled my eyes.

"Well, why should I give a shit? Leave me alone." I stretched my legs out and looked back to the stars.

"Levi," he murmured, obviously hurt, but still trying to get the response he wanted. I flinched when he said my name. "You can lecture me about math," he proposed.

I let out a loud sigh. "Fine. But not math tonight. Tell me, kid, what do you know about astronomy?"

"Nothing. The sun is a star and there are like, nine planets," Eren shrugged.

"Well, there is the straight facts about the stars and galaxies that are really interesting, but then there's the mythology behind them as well," I began. "Do you see those three bright stars, that make a line?"

Eren squinted at the sky in the direction of my fingers and nodded. "Yeah. What about them?"

"Well, to the ancient Greeks, that was called Orion's belt," I explained. "And that little line shooting off diagonally on the right of it. That's his sword. And the triangle above the belt, do you see it?" I asked. Eren nodded. "Those are his shoulders."

"Well, all I can see is a bunch of white dots, so," Eren submitted, folding his arms.

"That's because the ancient Greeks were more creative than a seventeen year old brat," I smirked. "Anyway, the story is super cool."

"Yeah, why is there a dude in the sky? Was he a god or somethin'?"

I shook my head, my eyes still glued to the constellation. "The story goes like this. Orion was this amazing hunter. There wasn't an animal he hadn't killed and hung up on his wall. He had an addiction to it. Zeus was so proud of him, but Artemis, the goddess of the hunt, wasn't so pleased. She didn't like that he killed for sport, and the fact that he was driving some animals to extinction really pissed her off."

"Well, yeah, but how does one guy kill off an entire species?"

"I dunno, brat. It's a story. Maybe he dropped a fuckin' nuke."

"Okay but they didn't have nukes back then," Eren argued.

"Ugh, I don't know how he did it, he was just a really good hunter, okay? Anyway, Artemis was fuckin pissed about it, cuz she loved all the animals and only wanted the ones that were needed for nourishment to be killed. Reasonable. But Orion was going hard. So Artemis brought it up with Zeus. She asked him to tell Orion to quit it, but Zeus refused, because it was too entertaining to watch Orion hunt. Artemis, devised her own plan to get Orion to stop. She made Scorpio, the scorpion. She filled him with as much deadly venom as would fit inside the small bug. Then, she put Scorpio into Orion's boot, so that he would put it on and the scorpion would sting him. Well, her plan worked, and Orion died. Zeus was heart broken, but decided to memorialize him by putting him in the sky. Artemis wanted to memorialize the scorpion that saved the animals, so she put Scorpio up there as well, but on the opposite side of the sky, so that the two would never meet again."

Eren stared at the sky, a new understanding flickering in his eyes. "That's actually really cool."

"Oh, Eren, you haven't seen cool until you've seen Saturn in a telescope."

"Oh yeah?" Eren asked. "Well, when we get outta this, you'll have to show me." He scooted closer to me on the log we sat on. "Brr, it's cold," he mumbled as an afterthought.

"Ya know, I might just do that," I replied quietly, promising myself that I would look for a telescope on my next supply run.

"Mr. Ackerman?" Eren asked, tearing his eyes away from the cosmos for a moment to meet my eyes. I had stopped looking a while ago, having something much more appealing to observe sitting right next to me. I rolled my eyes when I realized he had caught me staring.

"What is it, brat?"

"I, um- never mind, it's nothing."

"Okay. But if you're gonna sit out here with me all night, you really need to quit calling me Mr. Ackerman. It drives me nuts."

"Why?" Eren inquired, looking at me innocently.

"Why do you think?" I snapped, the cold getting to me.

"Do you really want me to guess?" Eren asked sarcastically.

"No. I just have issues with people that I have clearly established a casual relationship with continuing to address me as Mr. Ackerman. It bothers the literal fuck out of me. It's a pet peeve. I'm not Mr. Ackerman. My uncle was Mr. Ackerman. I'm not Mr. Ackerman unless I'm your teacher."

"But, you are my teacher."

"Not anymore, kid. Call me Levi. Enough said."

"Right, okay. I'm sorry. I was mostly doing it to piss you off."

"That's because you're the shittiest brat on the planet."

"Thanks for that," Eren sighed.

"No problem," I replied nonchalantly. We sat silently together, enjoying the beautiful night's sky until Eren broke the glorious silence.

"Okay, I have a question."

"Go ahead," I sighed, annoyed.

"I'm cold."

"That isn't a question. You're not good at asking questions."

"Well, I'm cold, and I assume you're cold," he started.

"Assumption correct," I interrupted.

"Would I maybe get away with huddling for warmth?" Eren asked, batting his doe-like eyes at me.

"Nope," I said, popping the 'p' sound on my lips as I shut the gorgeous boy down. I didn't want to. If anything, I wanted to have him all over me. I wanted him on my lap, his mouth on mine, his skin on my skin. But I refused myself the privilege. "If you're cold, you're allowed to go inside at any time. I'm probably gonna go get Hanji up soon anyway. Her shift is coming up, and I could use a couple hours of sleep."

"Right," Eren said quietly, his voice almost a whisper. He stared at his hands awkwardly. "I don't know what I was thinking. I'm sorry."

"Kay," I huffed, standing up and stretching, picking my shotgun off the ground, not sure how much longer my resistance would last. "I'm gonna get some sleep. Night."

"Yeah, you too," Eren mumbled turning towards his cabin.


	17. Chapter 15

Eren kept up our nightly math classes any night he couldn't sleep for. The brat was still tormented by ruthless nightmares, and sometimes, he just didn't feel like he was capable of enduring it for the night. This night was one of many, nothing out of the ordinary other than the extreme cold and soft snow flakes padding the ground. It had snowed about three inches before Eren made his way out to the campfire.

"Jaeger," I nodded, acknowledging his presence. "Can't sleep?"

The brat shook his head. "No. I keep dreaming about Annie," he mumbled. "And you," he added, his voice scarcely a whisper.

"What about her?" I asked, pretending not to have heard the second half of his sentence.

"Just how she died. How cold she was about it. It was kinda scary, honestly. And tragic."

"Honestly, I think the way it all happened was pretty commendable on her part. She left her emotions out of it, knowing they would only cloud things, and acted in the most logical manner possible."

"Of course you would say that," Eren muttered, folding his arms and scowling.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I snapped.

"You only think with logic, and it's gonna screw you over one day, Levi, I swear. You need to let your feelings influence things sometimes, or you're just a sociopath."

"Not all sociopaths are bad people, Eren," I reasoned. "And besides, I'd rather not be some wild chimpanzee of a man, thinking with his feelings and his dick. We've evolved with a big beautiful center of logic in the left brain. We should all be taking advantage of it."

"I'm not saying never think logically, I'm just saying, it makes you a really cold person when you only use logic to sort things out. It's okay to have emotions. I'm not exactly a good example of healthy emotions, but you get the idea. Think about Erwin-"

"Let's not," I replied calmly, my gaze not leaving the flickering embers of the fire and the sizzling snow falling on top of it. I had spoken before the thought even made itself coherent, and immediately regret washed through my veins. I stiffened at the mention of Erwin. "Fuck."

"What?" Eren asked, resting his chin in his hand and leaning forward into his knees.

"Nothing. It's nothing," I snapped.

"But anways, Erwin is a really good example of balance between his emotions and his logical side. He uses each to keep the other in check, and it seems to work really well for him. Be like Erwin."

"No, Eren. I'm not gonna be like Erwin. I grew up knowing that emotions only hurt people. I taught myself to ignore the impulsive, primal lizard brain and only stay in the logic. Eren, logic is safe. You know the sun is going to come up tomorrow because statistically, the odds of it not coming up would be such a cosmological anomoly that you can have almost absolute faith that the sun will come up. It came up yesterday, and the day before, and every other day for the past four-point-five billion years. It's safe to keep your I over your E when it comes to problem solving."

"I over E?" Eren asked, bewildered.

"Intellect over emotion. Intellect is what makes human beings human. Without it, we'd be just like every other primate on the planet."

"Sure, but there are some things that even monkeys do that it's important to put into practice. Without emotion, there wouldn't be love," Eren began to debate.

"And without love, there would be no heartbreak," I interrupted, staring at Eren intently.

"But people grow from heartbreak. We learn and become better."

"The hell if I care," I snapped, annoyed at Eren's naive worldview. "You're acting like a child."

"Okay, sure," Eren grumbled. "I'm the baby here."

"You're certainly the one that cries like one," I hissed.

"Where was the logic in that, Levi? Cuz that just sounded like lashing out. Lashing out isn't logical, Levi."

"God damn," I muttered.

"Cursing isn't logical." I rolled my eyes, opting to stay silent. "C'mon now, Levi, rolling your eyes gets you nowhere, and therefore isn't logical."

"Jesus fucking Christ, Eren how badly do you want me to kiss you?!" I finally snapped.

"What?" Eren exclaimed bashfully.

"Because I'm desperate to get you to shut the fuck up, you fucking brat. I'll show you fucking logical."

"Do it then," Eren teased, pouting his full lips. Even in the freezing cold darkness, I could almost taste the lust in the air. I wasn't going to succumb to him. 

"No," I promised, more to myself that I would resist. At least for the night.  _ I am not a pedo _ . I repeated that in my head until my own arousal began to subside. We sat in tense silence for a long time.

"What?" I finally asked after Eren began to stare at me.

"It's nothing, never mind. I should really shut up before I say something stupid."

"Fine by me, brat. Now, back to algebra. -B +√ B² - 4AC," I trailed off, glaring at him.

"All over two A," the brat sighed, running a hand through his hair. It was at that moment that I was hit with a sudden concern:

My self control was running out.


	18. Chapter 16

I internally cringe as I remember the awkward nightly encounters that I had with the kid. I look out of the window and figure Hanji must have left several hours ago. The sun had been high in the sky when she left me alone, and now the sky is as black as soot, not even the moon having the guts to make an appearance. I let my mind drift back to that time again, as it was significantly happier than what I am experiencing at the time being.

The weather began warming, but Eren's insomnia kept up a consistent schedule. Every three days or so, he wouldn't show up to keep guard with me. I enjoyed those nights, knowing he was getting some sleep.Not that I was one to talk on the wonders of getting eight hours of sleep.

This was not one of those nights. Shortly after every other resident of the ramshackle camp retired for the night, I felt a gentle tap on my shoulder. I jumped and lunged for my gun only to see the brat himself standing behind me, a concerned and terrified look in his haunting green eyes.

"Jesus, don't do that," I gasped.

"Sorry."

"Yeah right," I muttered, sitting back down again and eyeing the young brunette. "Anyway, where did we leave off? Have we started on the quadratic equation?"

"Um,actually, I need to get some advice first. I've been having this issue that keeps bugging me, and you're the only one I wanna talk about it with."

"Okay, go ahead, brat," I prompted, nodding at the trembling boy,hammering his knee up and down like the needle of a sewing machine."Calm down. You're too nervous."

Eren took a deep breath before speaking. "I'm scared, Levi." Eren spoke very bluntly, his intense eyes never leaving mine.

"Of?"

"I'm afraid I'm gonna die a virgin, Mr. Ackerman." Eren instantly clamped a hand over his mouth.

"Don't fucking say that shit to me," I snapped.

"I know, I'm sorry," Eren sighed. "I shouldn't have brought it up. I just felt like you could probably give me the best advice, but I mean, you have a boyfriend. I'm a shit human being, I know. I'm sorry-"

"Shut it, Eren. I don't care what you said. I can talk about sex with anybody and not even flinch. Besides, it's only natural that you would be thinking that kinda thing. We're all a little, ah,repressed, per se. What you're feeling is understandable, and your fear totally valid."

"Then why did you get all angry when I said that?" Eren asked, batting his long fawn-like eyelashes at me.

"Because the more I dwell on it, the more I want to make  _ damn _ sure you don't die a virgin." My voice had a dark edge to it that I didn't even recognize.

Eren visibly shuddered at that statement and looked away. "O-oh," he stuttered. "But what about Erwin?"

"When you talk like that, I forget about Erwin," I growled, trying to get a hold of myself. "I forget about everybody. When you talk like that, it's impossible for me to think rationally."

"Really?"Eren asked, his emerald eyes glittering at me. "Are you serious?"

"You should be afraid of how serious I am," I replied malevolently.

"But you're the one that turned me down!" Eren cried, frustrated as he tugged on the brim of his beanie.

"But nothing, Eren. That's just the way it is. You'd regret it tomorrow, and I'd feel like shit. So it's not happening."

Eren shivered, playing with the tassels of his sister's red scarf wrapped tightly around his neck. He stared at the flames as they licked the burning logs before he finally seemed to snap.

"Ya know, Levi, it  _ really _ seems like you're projecting some shit onto me that really isn't fair to project."

"Like what?" I asked, tugging on the collar of my coat and folding my arms.

"Like,Levi, you know exactly how I feel about you. You know I want nothing more than for you to have sex with me, but you keep saying I'm gonna regret it. Like, no the fuck I won't. But you might, which will make me all guilty. The  _ entire _ reason I freaked out so bad after we fucked around that one time was because I felt bad! I felt like I forced you into it and I felt bad that you didn't actually want me.

"So don't go pushing your weird insecurities onto me. Look at the facts you love so much and get back to me. If you feel like  _ you're  _ gonna regret it, say that then. Don't say I'm going to, because I don't regret anything we have ever done together. If anything, I regret falling for such a self righteous asshole who clearly doesn't feel the same way!"

"Jesus, Eren. You think I'd regret having sex with you?" I asked, genuinely concerned that that was what he had assumed.

Eren only nodded, waiting for my response. "Why wouldn't I think that?" he asked when I held my tongue. "It's not like you've given me anything else to go off of. You obviously regretted the whole thing we did that one night. You fucking tried to pretend it never even happened. That sounds a lot like regret to me."

"That's pragmatism. Not regret."

"Really? Cuz it sure seemed like you were wishing you could take it back."

"Eren, in a perfect world, we wouldn't even be having this conversation.Things would have continued from that night without any kind of issue. If it was just us two on this planet, I promise you that it would have. Do you remember that I'm the one that kissed you first? But I have other people to worry about, and so do you. How do you think your sister would feel if she found out you were fucking your math teacher?"

"Not good," he mumbled in response.

"Exactly,"I replied as Eren stewed. "And with as much on our plates as we have, a romantic relationship would only add stress. So, Eren are you seeing why this would never work-"

Eren stood abruptly as I had been talking and had stomped over to where I was sitting. He cut me off by pressing his lips to mine. He slowly dropped to his knees between my legs so that he could reach my mouth better.

"You really need to shut up sometimes," he said with a smirk before I gripped his jaw and pulled him back to me. I couldn't help but kiss him back, enjoying the feeling of his lips against mine.

I could feel the heat in his kissing, even though his skin was as cold as mine. He grabbed a fistful of my hair and I pushed my tongue into his mouth. He let out a soft moan as my hands roamed his body, kissing his open mouth more aggressively.

He rested his hands on my thighs, gripping the fabric of my pants desperately as I swiped my tongue along the roof of his mouth.

"Eren," I murmured against his lips. "Eren, wait," I said louder, pulling away from him for a second, my eyes meeting his. 

"What is it?" he asked as I brought my mouth down to his neck, undoing his scarf and kissing him.

"Your birthday. It's in March, right?" I breathed against his skin, before latching my mouth to his jugular, sucking the skin into my mouth, biting down when he moaned, the vibrations of his vocal chords tickling my lips.

"What?"

"You heard me," I pulled back, swallowing back a sarcastic comeback.

"Yeah, it's March thirtieth. Why?" He asked, a bewildered blush powdering his nose and cheeks. He was so effortlessly perfect that I didn’t know how to process it all.

"That's like, a month away. You'll be eighteen. Once you're legal, that takes a lot of burden off me. Can you wait that long?"

Eren froze for a second. "You're saying you'll have sex with me in a month. That is the most commitment I've ever gotten from you."

"I'll fuck you first thing in the morning on birthday if that's when you wanna do it," I whispered into Eren's ear, a sinister pang in my voice that sent shivers running through the boy.

"Oh, please," he whimpered, tipping his head back and clutching tighter to my pants. I took my opportunity in stride, bringing my mouth back down to his neck, attacking it until Eren tapped out. His hand rapidly hitting my shoulder snapped me out of my arousal. I pulled off of him and looked at the scared boy kneeling in front of me.

"Infected at your six," he whispered, slowly reaching for my shotgun. He got hold of it and handed it to me.

"Fucking cockblocking zombies," I muttered, taking the weapon and turning around. The twitching bastard locked her eyes onto me and screeched. "Cover your ears, Eren. This shit is gonna be fucking loud."

I pumped the gun as the woman began running at us at a dead sprint.  _ 60 meters. 50 meters. _ I waited another second as the infected woman screamed and flailed her arms as she ran. It was a disturbing image, worse than any drug addict I had seen on the streets of Boston. Her voice lacked humanity. I pulled the trigger, but the gun didn't fire. "Shit! Eren get back!" I screamed at the boy while I slammed the trigger, begging for a response.  _ 20 meters. 10. _ Fuck. Fucking jammed.

Eren braced himself, but didn't step back. The woman was here, aiming not for me, but for Eren. Several things happened at once in the seconds that followed. The woman pounced, leaping for the frightened brunette, who only cowered in pure terror. I reflexively jumped at the airborne infected, taking her out before she reached Eren, though she instantly turned her attention to me as we grappled on the ground.

"LEVI!" Eren screamed as the woman snapped her body, trying to bite me. I figured, better me than him, so I continued pinning her to the forest floor, pinning her arms to her sides, hoping somebody would get here before my strength ran out. He whipped a glock out of his pants, shaking as he pointed it at the woman beneath me. "H-hold fucking still, dammit!"

I knew it was a risky move. Closing my eyes and holding my breath, I slammed my forehead into the woman's, effectively knocking her out, getting her thick black blood and mouth foam all over my face. Eren fired once, blowing her head up. I was instantly sprayed with the blood and brain matter as it spattered everywhere within about three feet. I stood up as soon as her nerves stopped firing, all movements ceasing forever.

"Eren, gimme the gun."

"Wha-" I took the gun from his hands, ripping my coat off and stepping away from him. I pointed it at my head while I scanned my body for bite marks. "Levi no!" I found an especially bloody spot on my arm and lowered my finger from the guard to the trigger. "LEVI!" He screamed again, his eyes wide and a hand clamped over his mouth, tears dripping down his face in the darkness. 

"Stay back," I snapped. Wiping the spot off on my pant leg, I saw that there was no broken skin. I was clean. "Fuck," I sighed, letting out a breath I didn't know I had even been holding. I tossed the gun to the side and dropped to my knees in the snow, my legs feeling like noodles as the adrenaline drained from my body.

"Oh my God, Levi," Eren faltered, running to me and baseball sliding to me, wrapping his arms tightly around me, sobs shaking his entire body. "Levi," was all he could say as I wrapped my arms around him in return, holding him up, keeping him from completely collapsing. "I love you. Fuck, I love you so much." I knew, in that moment, that I loved him, too. "I thought you were dead, Levi I was so scared."

"I thought I was too. I had my finger on the trigger."

"I know. Levi don't ever leave me. I don't know what I'd do without you-" he started hyperventilating, choking on his sobs.

"Eren, calm down. If I died, you'd be okay. I'm fine. You're fine. That's all that matters. Getting all emotional isn't gonna change what just happened. Just be happy we both made it out."

He continued to cry for a long time, enveloped in my arms, gripping my jacket. I felt his wet tears on my neck as I patted his back.

"Everything okay out here? we heard screaming," one of the farmers asked, approaching us with his rifle. His wife held a machete and folded her arms, a grim frown on her face. The farmer aimed his hunting rifle at me, and I froze, unsure how to escape the situation I was facing. “Boy, you would do best to step away from that infected man.”


	19. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More smut. You're welcome

“He’s not infected!” Eren screamed, clinging to me. “Put the gun down!”

"Yeah. We're okay. Mild infected scare, in case you didn't notice the headless woman over there. Get him back in the fort. He needs sleep," I muttered, standing up with the crying brunette, squeezing his slim body to mine a final time before guiding him to the farmer, understanding crossing his worn features. "Go wake Hanji for her shift."

"Sure," the wife said with a warm smile replacing her cold expression. "Come here, dearie, let's get you back inside." She extended her arm for Eren, who didn't budge.

"I'm not leaving him," he sniffed. "I'll go in when he does."

"No, Eren. My shift isn't over yet. You need some sleep. Go with Mr. and Mrs. Kleid. I'll swing by your cabin as soon as I get off."

"No."

"Don't tell me no, young man."

"I just did. I'll sleep out here, but I'm not leaving you. That was way too close for me to leave you alone."

"Jesus Christ, Eren, you're being so difficult. Go with them. Right. Fucking. Now."

"No. You can't make me."

"How about you both end the shift early? We'll wake Erwin as well, and he can finish your shift with Hanji," Mr. Kleid suggested. "Seems to me that you both could use some sleep."

"How about that, Eren?" I offered. "We both go in right now, and you can get some sleep?"

Eren nodded. "Just don't leave me."

"I won't."

"Okay, yeah. That sounds fine."

"We'll send Erwin and Hanji right out. You can head back into camp as soon as they get settled."

"Sounds good," I murmured, running my hand through my hair as the farmer and his wife turned and headed back into camp. I pretended to ignore the pain in my old wounds, but Eren still seemed to notice me wavering in my strength.

"Do you need some kinda painkiller?" he asked with wide fawn eyes.

I shook my head. "Just hold me," I whispered, sitting down on my log again. The attractive brunette did as he was told, sitting next to me and wrapping his arms around me halfheartedly. I snaked my arms around his waist.

"I'm so glad you're okay."

"Mhm."

"Hey, Levi?"

"Yeah, brat?"

"Will you sleep in my cabin with me?"

"Yeah, that was the plan."

"Okay, thanks."

"Levi!" Hanji's high, whiny voice beckoned. "Everything okay hun? They sent Erwin out to finish up your- holy shit, you're covered in blood!"

"No shit, Four Eyes."

"What happened, Levi?" Erwin asked, squeezing my shoulders from behind.

"Little scare about fifteen minutes ago. Nothing happened. We're all okay. Eren's just being a bitch and won't go back to camp by himself, so I'm coming back with him," I replied, earning an offended glare from Eren.

"Wait, are you two together, like, officially?" Hanji asked, a giddy gleam in her eyes.

"And if we were?"

"I could stop pretending to date you, dumbass," Erwin chuckled.

"Wait! You were pretending, too?" Eren exclaimed, lifting his head from my shoulder.

"You think I'd actually get with Erwin with the full intention of cheating on him? Even I'm not that fucked up." I replied. "Anyways, thanks, Erwin. Hanji. See you guys later. I have to put the baby to bed."

"Fuck you! I'm not a baby!"

"Sure," I muttered. "C'mon brat, it's night-night time." Gripping his wrist, I dragged him towards the gate into camp. "Thanks again, Erwin."

"No problem," he called after me waving as he sat down. Picking up my gait into a dead sprint I darted to my cabin.

"Why are we running?" Eren asked as I bolted up the steps and inside, closing the door behind us.

"Why not?"

"Okay, weirdo. Wait, why are we going to your cabin? I thought we were going to my cabin."

"There are other people in your cabin," I murmured, eyeing his body hungrily.

"What does that have to do with- oh.  _ Oh _ ."

"Eren, I'm gonna kiss you now," I said abruptly, gripping him by the hood of his jacket.

"Wha-" He was cut off by my mouth on his. Our lips collided aggressively, both of us thrilled to be alive. I twisted my fingers into his shaggy hair, pulling on it and backing him into the nearest wall. Planting several deep kisses on his full pink lips, I stepped between his legs. "Levi?" Eren pulled back, gasping for air. "What are you doing?"

"Eren, we aren't guaranteed another month. I might not make it to your eighteenth birthday, hell,  _ you  _ might not make it to eighteen, and that's the hard shit. Baby, I'll fuck you tonight if that's what you want."

"Seriously?" He asked, scrutinizing me as he wiped my face off with the sleeve of his jacket.

"Thanks," I muttered, grateful to be at least partially cleaner. "Yeah, seriously. You're almost eighteen, and who knows what the future holds. I want you so bad. I have for a long time, Eren. I've been tearing myself apart trying to stay away from you."

"You have? I thought you weren't interested," Eren mumbled, staring at the floor. "I thought-"

"Look, I'm sorry for giving you that impression. But, I really am attracted to you, Eren. Physically and romantically. If we do this, we can't just be friends with benefits. I hope you're fully aware of that."

"So, like," Eren trailed off, taken aback at my blunt affection.

"Like, if we start fucking, the relationship has to happen, too. Can't be noncommittal. My old heart wouldn't be able to take it, not having you in every way possible."

I look back on that moment with a mourning regret. I shouldn't have touched him. I shouldn't have gotten that involved. I can feel the tears again, reminding me the consequences of falling in love.

"That's all I've been asking for, Levi. I want to be your boyfriend," Eren blushed, a small smile lighting up his face. "This is the best day of my life!"

"I highly doubt that. Lotta shitty things happened to get us here," I nodded, brushing off the burning enthusiasm I felt.

"Offer still on the table?" Eren asked, raising an eyebrow and copping an arrogant smirk.

"Absolutely," I chuckled, eyeing the snarky bastard before going in for another kiss. The life threatening night only fueled my desperation. I couldn't even remember what restraint was. Eren became increasingly more endangered as the last grasp I had on myself blew away.

"Eren, you're so perfect," I whispered against his neck. "Fuck."

The brat gasped quietly, a heavenly sound. It fueled my drugged up state of mind, driving me further off the cliff. "Don't say that," he said softly.

"Don't tell me what to do," I hissed. "I'm gonna fuck you until you can't even fucking walk." I gripped his hips pulling them back into mine. "We'll see who tells who what to do then," I added as an afterthought.

Eren let a breathy moan escape his lips at my words. I slowly rubbed the top of my thigh into his crotch, using my hands to squeeze his hips, working my way back to his ass as he let out another high pitched noise. He clamped a hand over his mouth and I immediately went for his wrist, snatching his hand away.

"Baby, make all the noises you want. I want the whole fucking camp to hear you. Everybody. You're  _ mine _ ," I growled possessively, biting his lip and sucking on it as he kissed me again. I unzipped his coat, yanking it off of his thin body. I went for his shirt next, slipping it over his head as the lust consumed me like a fire, painful and hot.

"It's cold, Daddy," Eren whimpered, hitting a weak spot somewhere in me as the blood started rushing south.

"I promise you won't be cold for long," I murmured in response against his lips. "My God, I forgot just how fucking beautiful you are. Fuck, you do  _ numbers _ on my mental health." Sliding my hand down the front of his pants, I decided it was time to get down to business. "I'll go slowly. I want this to feel good for you, Baby. I'm gonna make you scream."

"Fuck," Eren whispered, more to himself than to me, it seemed. I rubbed on the clothed bulge in his boxers, soaking up the delicious noises he made as the situation between his legs started to strain against his pants.

"Do you know how this kind of thing works? Have you ever looked into it before?" I asked, high off of him. Eren nodded, desperately rutting into my hand, a painful arousal painting all of his features. "So you know it's gonna hurt, right?" Another nod, as well as a breathy moan when I started tugging his pants off.

"Not doing this will hurt worse," he panted, a beautiful sound to my ears. "Hey!" He cried as I ripped the buttons of his shirt out of the holes, accidentally popping a couple and throwing the spent fabric aside. And there he was, standing there in nothing but his boxers, letting me kiss him, letting me touch him, letting me  _ mark _ him. I lifted his leg to meet my hip, pulling his desperate hips into mine.

"Let's take this to the bed, baby. As happy as I would be nailing you to the wall, your first time needs to be on a bed. You need to be spoiled. I'm gonna ruin you."

"Jesus," Eren sighed when I pressed him to the wall with an aggressive kiss.

"Hold on tight, I'm picking you up now," I muttered, holding Eren to the wall and lifting his other leg above my hip bone, hitching him further up my body. Our mouths met again seamlessly as I backed away from the wall and carried him over to the twin sized bed in my cabin. Leaning over the bed, I gently lowered him onto it, climbing over him and pulling his mouth with mine. Spreading my fingers across the sides of his head, I began massaging the crown of his head with my fingertips. Even with him mostly sitting up, I had to bend over him, reaching down to kiss him. 

The heat he was in was undeniable as I explored his mouth with my tongue, and all the while, he ground his hips into my thigh, begging for friction. I could feel the plain arousal in his movements, and I obliged him when he reached for the hem of my sweater, already too hot to keep it on any longer. I needed to lose the pants, as well, my skin on fire with undiluted lust.

I finally decided that his mouth had had enough stimulus, so I worked my lips to his neck again. As I ghosted my lips down his neck, he grew increasingly more impatient, his entire body practically shaking.

"You're sure you wanna do this?" Eren breathed, arching his back when I gently bit down on a sweet spot under his jaw. "With me, I mean."

I instantly pulled back. "Why? Are you having second thoughts?" I asked, afraid I had pushed him too far.

"Oh fuck no. No second thoughts. I just want you to want me the way that I want you. Like, sexually."

"Eren, I want you to stick your hand down my pants and tell me I don't want you sexually." Eren eyed me skeptically, as if checking to see if I was serious. I raised an eyebrow and nodded slowly, pressing my lips into a firm line as he hesitantly leaned forward and slid his fingers past the waistband of my jeans. I gasped when I felt his cold fingers grasp my painful cock.

"Holy shit, Levi. I did that to you?"

" _ No _ , the snow coming down outside just really does something for me, Jaeger. There. You know I'm hard, too. Are you convinced I want nothing more than to make love to you right now?" Eren nodded bashfully, not removing his hand from my pants. Instead he began palming me eagerly, and I couldn't keep the low gutteral growls and pants from escaping my lips. His hands drove me crazy, gripping and grabbing and pumping my cock while I kissed him again, sliding my tongue into his mouth and squeezing my eyes shut, unable to watch him any longer for fear of losing all of my governors keeping me gentle. I didn't want to hurt him his first time. His hand finally retreated from my pants and he unzipped my jeans, running his fingers down my body, tracing the muscles on my back and abdomen, sending shivers shooting through me as the heat of the moment utterly consumed my soul. I stepped out of my pants, kicking them off as I crawled back over Eren's slim body. I could feel the need in his touch, the want in his every shaky breath, and I willingly vaulted myself into the precipice of insanity and desire.

Eren was practically purring, every exhale coming out as a breathy moan as I explored his mouth deeper, reaching down and palming him harder than I had been. He was solid, I knew I didn't have to work any harder on him, but I wanted him as high as I was on the ecstasy of sharing the moment with somebody as in love with him as I was. I wanted every touch, every breath to feel like the licking flames I was feeling, as he grasped onto my shoulder blades, grasping tightly to his humanity. Both of us were clinging to the fact that we were alive and in love. So deep in love.

Finally working up the nerve to leave his mouth alone again, I allowed my lips to explore his soft neck once more, tasting his salty skin on my tongue as I lowered my hips onto his, and he thrust up to meet me, needing to feel the friction as well. His hands squeezed my shoulders tighter, his entire body begging for a release already. I decided to give him his first of the night, rolling my hips into his, feeling his arousal rubbing against mine while I started kissing down his body.

"Perfect... Perfect... Perfect," I breathed as I planted kisses on his chest, working my way down his tightly muscled abdomen with my mouth, tasting him, savoring every moment I got to be with him for. I wasn't even considering the consequences of my actions. There was no past, no future, just him. He was the entire essence of the universe, his heartbeat in perfect sync with mine. I flicked my tongue into the area between his sharp hip bones, and he arched his back, trying to keep calm, collecting himself. Gently biting into the soft sensitive skin, he whispered quiet curses into the electric morning air. I pulled back and bit further down, on the inside of his thigh, at the very edge of his underwear. 

"No, Levi," he gasped, relaying a great deal of anxiety in his perfect jade eyes. "Please, you can't. I'll cum," he begged, a crisp edge to the 'c' sound that drove me over. "I don't want it to end."

"You think you're only cumming once tonight? Baby, I wouldn't do that to you."

"O-okay. You're sure?" I only rolled my eyes in response before continuing my work.

Slowly tugging the waistband of his boxers down, I got his underwear off and threw it aside. Dragging my lips up his thigh, I finally made my way to his rock hard cock, gently pressing my lips to the base of it and slowly lapping my tongue up it. I could feel his muscles tense up with every swipe of my tongue. He tried his hardest to hold still, balling his hands into fists and driving them into the pillow above his head. I couldn't look up at his face. It felt too good to watch his perfect features, normally ornamented with a chipper grin, twist into something of such sinful caliber. Eros had nothing on him, and there was nothing I could do to save us anymore. I wrapped my mouth around his leaking cock, flicking my tongue against the sensitive head.

"L-Levi!" He cried, yanking on his own hair, trying to get the painful arousal to subside. I pulled off of his dick and stuck three of my fingers into my mouth, swirling them around and coating them with saliva and Eren's hot precum.

"You're so wet for me," I murmured into his thigh, looking at him from underneath my eyelashes. Finally, I pulled my fingers out of my mouth. "We're gonna get you ready while I suck you off, so it doesn't hurt as bad. If you need me to stop, please tell me. I won't be able to ask for obvious reasons."

"Right. Okay, go ahead," he whimpered. Slowly I started taking him into my mouth. Inch by inch until my nose was pressing into the space between his hips. I pressed the insides of my cheeks to his dick, slowly pressing my first finger up to his entrance.

"Daddy," Eren hissed as I slowly started pushing my index into him, playing with him with my tongue as I pulled off of him a little, to angle him down my throat. Slowly I started working a rhythm with my head, bobbing up and down while I got my finger to the first knuckle. "Daddy, I'm close." I felt my eyelids flutter, trying to act unphased by him, but that was utterly impossible. I pushed my finger into him completely, and his muscles sucked it right in. "That- that's weird. What-?" I worked my finger deeper into him until I decided that I needed to add a second. Pushing my second finger into him, he let out a quiet yelp that melted into a soft moan about halfway through his enunciation. I fucked him with my fingers and pushed his hot, throbbing cock further down my throat with every bob of my head. "Levi! Shit!" Eren screamed, instantly shooting his seed down my throat when I pressed into his prostate with my fingers. I swallowed it all, pulling my fingers out and rubbing his thigh soothingly while he let it all out. "I think that's it, Sorry, Levi. I could have warned you a little better," Eren apologized while I pulled my mouth off of his dick.

"I wanted it, Eren. And I knew you'd cum as soon as I found your prostate."

"That's what that was?" Eren exclaimed, still dazed and high.

"Yeah. And you're all stretched out if you're ready. If you need a minute, that's okay too," I smiled, leaning up to kiss his cheek.

"You! You!" Eren exclaimed, wide eyed. "Your face!"

"Um, rude."

"No! You have the most beautiful smile on the planet!" He cried, leaning up and wrapping his gangly arms around me tightly, hugging my body close to his. 

"I beg to differ. Yours has the ability to incite world peace, and destroy entire planets in the same fell swoop," I murmured romantically, feeling like a fluffy piece of shit while I waited patiently for my lover to come down from the orgasm.

"Sounds dangerous," Eren purred.

"Oh you have no idea."

"But Levi, I'm ready now."

"Good. I was gonna wait as long as you needed." I kissed him, absolutely giddy, my skin screaming for him.

"You're hard enough, right?" Eren asked in between heated kisses on my mouth.

"You had me there before I even went down on you. You fuck me up bad, Eren. I don't think you realize how hot you are." I finally removed the last article of clothing keeping us apart.

"Probably not," Eren giggled.

"You ready?"

"Mhm," he nodded, though there was still a small fear in his eyes. "Will you hold my hand?"he asked in the small voice of a boy with a lot on his mind.

"Absolutely," I murmured, looping my fingers through his and angling my cock with his hole. "Tell me if it's too much for tonight," I groaned, feeling the the tip of my dick brush against his skin. I was gonna lose my mind, if I hadn't already. Slowly pushing into him, he was in obvious pain while he squeezed my hand until his knuckles were white. My vision blurred for a second at the orgasmic pressure he was putting on my painfully stiff dick. My fingers hadn't stretched him out nearly enough to be able to take me in, as was painfully obvious with how tightly he was wrapped around my cock. "Tell me when you're ready for me to move."

"You can go ahead," Eren whispered after a moment of adjustment, grabbing hold of my shoulder again with his free hand. Slowly, not wanting to hurt him, I pulled out and pushed back in, trying to stretch him out better before I sped up.

"God, you're so beautiful. You're gonna be the death of me, Eren Jaeger," I vowed, worshiping him like he was some kind of god. I picked up the pace of my movements, and he squeezed tighter onto my hand, his hands now significantly warmer than mine. Slowly I sped up my fucking and Eren nearly screamed.

"Right there! Levi!" Eren cried when I hit his prostate. I decided it was time to start touching him again. I reached down and gripped his cock, pumping it in time with my thrusting.

"Well, shit, Eren," I murmured, groaning as he flexed his muscles around me, pushing me deeper into him with every thrust. I started aiming for the sensitive bundle of nerves, stimulating it with every flick of my hips. He started rolling his hips to meet me halfway, begging me to fuck him deeper.

"God," he whimpered, his hand slipping from my shoulder while he frantically tried to find another grip. His fingernails dug into my back, clawing at me and likely drawing blood, not that I cared. "Fuck! Levi, harder!"

I was close, feeling the familiar heat flutter beneath my skin and pool at the base of my spine. I started to pull out of Eren, who instantly reached for my shoulder again, trying to keep me in place. I didn't want him to have to clean cum out of himself in freezing weather, but he was holding me there, leaning up to kiss my neck.

"Don't pull out, Daddy," he whispered into my ear. I took his instructions with a shudder and thrust back into him, still jacking him off.

"Eren, I-I'm gonna cum." I was totally unhinged, tripping over my words as I fucked him. "Eren. Eren!" I couldn't hold it any longer, releasing into him, which seemed to shoot him over as well. I felt his hot seed paint my skin while he screamed my name.

Both of us panting, coming off of our highs, I planted my sticky forehead into his shoulder, gently kissing his collarbone. "You're dangerous," Eren giggled when I pulled out.

"Challenge accepted," I muttered, a dark chuckle escaping my lips.

"So round two?" Eren smirked.

"My thoughts exactly," I smiled back with the same treachery.


	20. Chapter 18

I sit up in bed, not sure when exactly I had fallen asleep the night before, but relieved at the rising sun peeking through my window. I sit up and stretch, my muscles sore from all the walking. I slowly shuffle towards the door, gripping the handle and opening it to a sleeping Hanji on my doorstep.  
"Up, brat," I mutter, nudging her gently with my foot. "As in now. What the fuck are you doing sleeping in front of my door?"  
"I- uh, I wanted to make sure you were okay. You can't sulk around forever, Levi. C'mon, let's go for a walk."  
"Okay, first of all, I sulked before all this shit happened. So nothing's changed. Second, all we've been doing is going for walks for the last year, Hanji. I'm so fucking finished with walking. My legs are too fucking short for this bullshit."  
"Okay, but-"  
"No but's, Hanji. God, you're fucking ridiculous." I stoop down and grip her by her hair and yank her to her feet.  
"Ow! Levi you're such a jerk!"  
"As if you weren't aware of that," I scoff, crossing my arms and kicking her gently in the shin. "Shitty brat."  
"Well at least come with us for breakfast."  
"No."  
"And why the hell not, Levi? So you can mope around in your room? So you can sit around and do nothing but cry and watch videos from somebody who is dead in a mall, and is not coming back? Is that how you wanna spend your time?! Really?" Hanji screams at me, absolutely livid. I can almost make out steam coming from her ears. "You don't think this is hard on me, you jackass? Cuz when that fucking brat died, my best friend did, too!" There are tears rolling down her cheeks through her foggy, cracked glasses.   
"Yeah, maybe I fucking did die with him," I snap back. "Why the fuck do you care so damn much? Huh? You should be happy you have somebody to get you to LA who would literally sprint towards infected to get you there safely. Jesus fucking Christ you're such a bitch! Why can't you just leave me the fuck alone?!"  
"Why can't I leave you alone? What the fuck is wrong with you? You god damn selfish, indignant, piece of shit! I can't leave you the fuck alone because I love you more than anybody! You're the best friend I have ever had, and I'm not just gonna let you die on me! I'd kill a thousand people to get you back for even an hour! What about this do you not understand? I would kill people to get you back! You're losing your mind and there's nothing I can do about it! Pull your head out of your fucking ass and just accept the fact that he's gone! He is gone and he is never coming back!"  
I blink, stunned at how violently Hanji lost her temper, taking in the venom in her words. The look on my face must scare her because she almost immediately backtracks. "I-I'm sorry. That was too far," Hanji mumbles. "I shouldn't have said that. I just miss you-" She chokes on her words. I almost never saw that woman cry. She always tried so hard to keep her head up and stay positive, but now she's totally losing it.  
"Hey, hey," I murmur, pulling her into a weak hug. "I'm sorry. You have nothing to apologize for. You're mad, and you have good reason to be. I've been nothing but a dick to you since he died. I would love to eat breakfast with you and your new boyfriend, Fernando."  
"It's Francisco," Hanji giggles through her tears, hugging me tightly. "And he isn't my boyfriend, you idiot."  
"Whatever you say," I scoff, ruffling her already messy hair. "You tall fuck, I can't even hug you right."  
"Shut up short stack. At least I don't call you Stumpy."  
"Oh God, that was awful, and what about me would you even call Stumpy- wait. Hey! You fucking prick! You've never even seen my dick!"  
"You don't know that, actually," Hanji giggled evilly. "But, no. You're not Stumpy."  
"You're damn right I'm not. But how do you know-"  
"I'm Hanji. I know everything. And when I say everything, I mean everything."  
"You creepy fuck," I mutter, squeezing her tighter, never wanting to let her go. She was all I had left, and I decided it was time to start treating her the way she deserved. I felt like shit for all of the nonsense I had given her over the past few days. I was a dick, and a shitty friend.  
"You love me," Hanji squealed. "Mr. Grumpy loves me!" She twittered, bouncing up and down with me in her arms.  
"Mm." I hummed. "Well I'll love you even more if you shut the fuck up and keep hugging me, ass hole. You're ruining the moment."  
"Well that's good. I love you to the moon and back! You're the best friend I ever could have asked for! I'm sorry for yelling, but you totally deserved it-"  
"That, I did," I cut in, patting her head. "Now, you mentioned something about breakfast?" It was hard to put on such a performance for her, but I knew if she knew where my head and my heart was at, she'd never recover. I couldn't do it to her. I couldn't do it to myself. I couldn't face the fact that my time was running out, and there would come a point where it would all get too heavy to carry, and I'd blow away like a seed carried by the wind. I couldn't say how long I had, but I knew the odds of me even making it to Los Angeles were dwindling.


	21. Chapter 19

Despite my running level of hopelessness, I am able to admit to myself that spending time with my friend certainly helped me wade through the drowning depression I felt every time my mind got the opportunity to drift from the subject currently being discussed.

"Hanji," I murmur, taking a small bite of the eggs, the first hot food I have eaten in nearly a year. As good as it tastes, I can't bring myself to have an appetite. I know I need to eat something, but I almost have to force the food into my mouth. Hanji tears her eyes from Francisco to look at me. At a loss for words, all I can give her is a pained expression and a, "how about that walk?"

"Sure! Sorry, Francisco. I promised Levi we would go for a walk. Please excuse us," Hanji exclaims, standing up and shooting me a concerned look with her eyes.

"No worries at all! I will get cleaned up over here. Feel free to explore anywhere on the grounds. Everywhere is open to you. Beware, however, the wine cellar. There are three infected people chained to the wall. My wife, my son, and my three year old daughter. Please, don't disturb them. I feed them twice daily, to keep them alive, and they seem to be able to digest human food still."

"Of course not," I sigh sympathetically, knowing that if I had found Eren alive, I would have done the exact same thing to him. There was no way in hell that I would have been able to kill him. "Would you mind if we took some lavender with us?"

"Not at all. Go right ahead. What's mine is yours, my friend."

"Thanks," Hanji smiles when I start walking towards the lavender storage. We each stuff our pockets with the light purple flowers and grab our weapons, leaving our heavy bags on the farm while we stroll down the highway. "What's wrong?"

"Everything. I wish I could tell you, but even I'm not entirely sure how to put it. I'm gonna sound insane, but I've been hearing his voice. Like, in my head."

"Aw, Sweetie," Hanji coos, wrapping her free arm around my shoulder. "It's a natural response to losing somebody like Eren. It's uncommon, but not unheard of. Especially given our isolation, it's not like we can just cry and move on. There's nothing around here to move on to."

"I guess. I'm just losing it, Hanji. I can feel myself going crazy, but I- I don't know what to do or how to fix it. I feel like there really isn't a way for me to fix it, that I'm just gonna lose my mind no matter what happens."

"Well, maybe if I get approval to do some research on Francisco's family, you could give me a hand. Maybe learning more about the virus would help you get some closure into your situation."

"Is this your shitty way of asking for a lab partner?" I grumble, rolling my eyes at her mischievous grin.

"Yes, and no. I'm actually really scared that you're right. That there's something really wrong with your head, and that it's getting worse, and that there's nothing we can do nonmedically to fix you. I can't exactly go and forage for antidepressants, Levi."

"Yeah, I know," I mutter. "Fuck. I really love him. I feel like, I'm slowly freezing to death, but also, I'm constantly on fire, and I'm starving, but nothing I eat fills me up at all. I- I'm sorry. I need to sit down. Everything is just too much right now. Sit with me for a second?" 

"Sure, hun. Actually, there is something I need to talk to you about." I all but collapse onto the closest rock. Utah decidedly has a lot of large rocks, each one waiting millions of years to be sat on by a couple of dumbasses with guns. "First of all," she murmurs, taking my hand, "I love you so much. It is so painful to see you hurting so bad. It hurts worse knowing that there's no way for me to fix it. You gave Eren your soul, Levi, and he's still got it in his pocket, my dear. He took it with him. I wish I could lie to you and tell you that your mental health isn't a concern of mine. I can see you dying behind your eyes. Every time I look at you, I see less and less Levi, and more and more of a stranger. You're changing. Really fast."

"Yeah. I know, Hanji. I just wish there was a way I could bring him back."

"Me too. I wish I could bring all of them back. You, most of all."

"I'm just so tired. I dragged his ass hundreds of miles over the last year, and he didn't even get to see what freedom felt like." I take a deep breath. " But, you said you had to talk to me about something."

"Nevermind. It's actually pretty stupid," she lies, turning a fair shade of pink.

"What is it, Hanji. If it was important enough to bring up once, it's important enough to bring up again."

"D-don't judge me, okay?" She stutters, looking everywhere but at me. If I knew any better, I would say she is confessing to me. 

"No promises," I smirk, trying to force myself to be who I was before, but she and I both can tell it's a shitty acting job. Levi Ackerman is dead. 

"Okay," she exhales. "So, uh, you know how I'm a girl, right?"

"Kay. Right."

"Well, um," she starts slowly, taking another deep breath. "I'm not."

"Pardon?" I ask, confused, like I hadn't processed the sentence correctly.

"I'm not a girl, Levi. I'm- um, well, I don't like genders. I'm just Hanji now, okay?" Hanji finally blurts out. 

"How would you like for me to refer to you?" I ask, looking at my friend, whose eyes widen with shock while my question is processed behind those shitty glasses.

"Y- you're not mad?" Hanji asks, continuing to trip over words.

"And why the hell would I be mad? If you're not a girl, you're not a girl. How do you want me to refer to you? Pronouns and all that jazz."

"Wait, but-" I cut my friend off, wrapping my arms around Hanji's body.

"Hey. No but's. I'm your friend for the person, not the gender. What pronouns, brat?" I pull back and there are tears in Hanji's eyes. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah! I'm great! Just, thank you so much! I love you more than anything. I guess, if you want, you can keep going by she/her to avoid confusion."

"I didn't ask what I should call you to avoid confusion. I asked what you  _ wanted _ me to call you."

"But-"

"No but's, fucking brat. Pronouns, not conjunctions. Unless you want me calling you But, I would suggest telling me your pronouns."

"Okay. I guess, I would probably prefer they. But if you forget I'm not-"

"I'm not gonna forget, you bastard. How old do you think I am? You're older than I am, you fucking dinosaur. Fuck you."

"You're the best friend I've ever had!" They squeal, clinging tight to my body.

"Thanks, brat. You're not half bad yourself," I nod, patting their head, gently tugging on their thick ponytail.

"Again with the hair, Levi!" Hanji fumed playfully.

"Yeah, yeah," I mutter. "You're a weird fuck, I trust you know."

"Oh definitely. But it's not like my friend choice is very sane either," they chuckle, elbowing me with a grin.

"Shut up, asshole." There is a brief pause while everything begins to click in my head. "Is that what the bandages have been in your backpack for?" I ask, eyeing them with a soft expression, trying to portray affection on my face.

"What do you mean?" They ask.

"Have you been binding with those bandages?"

Slowly, Hanji nods at me, a grim look in their eyes. "Yeah."

"Hey, I understand that dysphoria is a very real thing, and I understand that it really fucks with people, but make sure that you're binding yourself safely. I don't want you fucking with your rib cage or anything crazy like that. I won't invade, but promise me that you'll stay safe, and take the wraps off every once in a while, so you don't hurt yourself."

Hanji smiles at me. "Yeah, I promise, Levi. Thanks for the concern, Shorty."

"Call me Shorty one more time," snap, a genuine smirk crossing my face. This is the first real emotion that has shown through the thick cloud of grief, even for a second. "I was always taught I wasn't supposed to hit girls, but that doesn't really apply anymore, shitty glasses."

"Mhm, whatever you say, Shorty." 

I shove them hard while they cackle loudly, slipping off of the large rock we had been sitting on together. "What'd I tell ya? I tried to fuckin' warn you, you fucking brat."

"Mhm. You know you love me!" They taunt standing up and dusting themself off. "Last one back is a rotten egg!" Hanji shouts suddenly, spinning on their heel and sprinting back towards Young Living.

"Oh no the fuck you don't!" I call after them, jumping up and engaging in a playful pursuit. "You're about to get your ass handed to you!"

"Eat my dust Stumpy!"

"You didn't-"

"I did. Whatcha gonna do about it? Betcha can't catch me!" 

"Challenge accepted motherfucker!" I scream at them, pouncing on them, both of us skidding along the pavement, road rash burning my skin as I cling to their squirmy body. "Who's fast now, bitch?"

"Oh, says the one!" they giggle, gently bumping my head with theirs. Both of us erupt into peals of child-like laughter, unable to breathe and unable to calm ourselves. Finally when we're able to calm ourselves, more than a few seconds between our random bursts of laughter, Hanji speaks again. "We should get back and see if Francisco needs any help."

"Your  _ boyfriend _ !"

"He is  _ not _ my boyfriend," Hanji squeals. I release them and we stand up again, admiring each others' fresh scrapes as we start back towards the farm.

" _ Right _ ," I snort, folding my arms as we head back, a new understanding between us, and a new facet of our friendship explored and conquered. I feel the happiest I have been in a long time, squeezing the shoulder of my best friend and poking at their fresh scrapes. I am floating on a cloud, storm cloud though it be, and I feel something almost like hope slowly seeping into my conscious.


	22. Chapter 20

"So, Levi," Eren murmured, waking up late in the afternoon. "Does this mean we're dating, now?"

"Yeah, brat, it does. You got a problem with that? I snapped rolling my eyes at the gorgeous brunette in my bed.

"Not at all!" he squeaked, a wide eyed expression crossing his features, and the beginnings of an intoxicating blush blooming beneath his tanned skin. "I couldn't be happier. But ow. My legs feel like noodles. Would you mind giving me a hand?"

"Not at all. Right here," I smirked, holding out my hands for him, knowing that I did that to him. He winced trying to put weight on his hips, and his knees buckled, but my grip on his arms was enough to steady him. I felt a pang of warmth wash through me when I saw that he was wearing my sweatshirt. I wasn't even sure my hoodie had survived the way the brat ripped it off of me the night before. But there it was, perfectly intact gracing the young god's slender body. "I gotcha. Can you stand on your own?"

"That's a solid question," Eren groaned, clinging to my shirt, trying to hold himself up. "Maybe. Try and let me go. I'm in so much pain, Levi."

"Yeah, it hurts. I was totally out of commission the day after my first time."

"Ya know what? I believe that" I slowly released my grip on his arms, waiting to see if he would be able to hold himself up. The answer quickly proved itself to be a hard no as Eren's knees decided that they weren't going to function properly in cooperation with his hips. He wobbled and fell forward, and I had my arms around him again in an instant. "I feel like such a wimp."

"You're not a wimp." I cooed, brushing some hair from his face, tipping his chin up while he sat down on the bed again. "You're perfect. Let's get you dressed and I'll carry you out for dinner."

"What? No! That would be so embarrassing! What would Mikasa do?"

"I don't give a rat's ass what anybody would do." I snapped. "Do you want me to carry you or should I just bring you some food back?" I asked in a much gentler tone of voice.

"I- well, uh," he stuttered. 

"Here," I murmured, handing him a fresh change of clothes, which he accepted gratefully with a smile.

"Thanks."

"Do you need help getting changed, or am I overthinking things?"

"You're overthinking things," he giggled, slipping off my sweatshirt and handing it to me.

"But riddle me this, Jaeger," I begin, sitting down next to him on the bed. "You have feelings for your grumpy douchebag of a math teacher. Why?"

"Well, for starters, even before all of this happened, you always cared whether or not I showed up to class. But it was really only me you were harping on for attendance. It was like you saw something in me that I didn't, cuz all I wanted to do was ditch and get high. But every time I played hooky, it was like clockwork. I'd get a text from Mikasa about ten minutes in that you wanted me in class. No other teacher cared that much about me. And then, you took in a bunch of teenagers in the outbreak of some crazy virus. Who else would do that? If I were you, I wouldn't have thought twice about leaving us. We would likely have looked like a shit ton of dead weight."

"Well, you're not wrong," I joked, elbowing him. Joking was uncomfortable for me, but he seemed to enjoy cracking jokes and making fun, so I tried my hardest to follow suit. He rolled his eyes and continued.

"And you always checked up on me, and listened when I talked to you. Everybody else was getting annoyed with me constantly crying to them. But you always just sat there and listened to me. And you would stay up all night with me to make sure I was okay. Even Mikasa didn't do that."

"Well, I always want you to be okay. If there's anything that bothers you, I'm always here to listen. I want to protect you," I said genuinely, taking his hand.

"And I also know that this tough guy stuff is bullshit."

"Wha-"

"This you, the one  _ holding my hand _ . That's really you. And I bet it feels weird, but that's cuz you shut down the 'fluffy shit.' And then there's the whole protecting me thing. Even when you're all angry, I feel safer with you than I ever have with anybody. And then there's something indescribable. I don't even know where to start, but every time I try to work it out in my head, it ends with you."

The bright, happy, honest look in his soft green eyes filled me up entirely. "You- I- There are no words to describe how much I care for you."

"Thanks, Levi," Eren chuckled quietly. "Ya know you have the cutest look on your face right now. Totally confused, but you seem happy."

"I believe that," I grinned, kissing him quickly. "Now if you're finished reading me like a fucking book," I trailed off. "You wanna go out and get dinner or do you want me to bring it to you?"

"Actually, if you wanna grab dinner and bring it back, I kinda wanna take care of something real quick."

"Okay, do you need any help?"

"I think I got it. By the way, beware the wrath of Mikasa. You're covered in hickies. You have fun with that."

"Asshole. I'll deal with it."

"Kay, see you in a bit."

"Sounds like a plan," I hummed, stepping outside into the cold air, watching the steam from my breath escape my lips as I contemplated being in love.


	23. Chapter 21

I sigh, pulling out Eren's camera, clicking through to his next entry while Hanji sets up a makeshift lab in Francisco's cellar. I figure I will get another video in before I have my hands tied making sure that Hanji isn't murdered by an infected three year old. I know that we can't stay at Young Living forever, as the three months before the last ship out is rapidly approaching. Hanji wants to spend the weekend here before we head out, seeing if they can learn anything about the virus. They have always been insanely medically gifted, and I was just along for the ride. I had no idea how they didn't end up becoming a brain surgeon or something.

Pressing play, I sit on a spinning chair in the dank underground room and scoot the chair into a corner as the boy begins talking.

_ "So it finally happened!" He squealed, wearing the change of clothes I had given him. "He ran out to grab our dinner, and I swear to God, Mikasa is gonna kill him." He grinned the biggest smile I had ever seen on his face, and I felt like I could melt just looking at him. "But yeah, Levi's my boyfriend now. But, like I dunno, he has the nicest smile. And when he holds my hand I could just die. I feel like I'm gonna explode. But holy shit, walking is basically impossible, so thanks for that, you asshole. It took me like ten minutes to even get the camera. _

_ "But seriously, I hope he survives going out with all those hickeys," Eren grimaced, blushing and covering his mouth. "If not Mikasa, then probably Hanji will murder him with all the questions she has. I felt so bad when she asked me all about it last time, because she has a way of prying things out of you. You don't even have to say a word and she knows. It's like she's a hypnotist or something. Anyways, so I'm kind of floating on a cloud today. I'm just so ha-" _

_ "Sorry Love, I got kinda held up. Your sister screamed at me the entire time I was in line. I had to talk her down a little bit. Whatcha doing?" I cut him off, stepping back into the cabin.  _

_ "Journaling." _

_ "Nice. But yeah. I can't say that it was the first time I've been charged with a knife, but she sure has intimidation down," I snickered, sitting down next to him. "Do you mind?" I asked, reaching for his camera. _

_ "No, go ahead," Eren smiled. _

_ "Dear Future Eren. I want you to look back on this as a moment in your life that warms your heart. I want you to smile when you watch this video, because this little shit over here is the best thing that ever happened to this grumpy fuck. Okay, there you go," I smile, handing the camera back to my boyfriend, who has tears in his eyes. "As you were. Lemme know when you're ready to eat. Just holler. I'll be out taking beatings from people," I snorted, knowing that there was probably some truth in that. As the adult in the situation, it was my job to calm everybody down. I didn't wan't Eren to take the brunt of the bullshit we were both about to have to deal with. I decided I would get most of it over with as I stepped outside and Eren continued to rave about how happy he was to be with me. _

_ "Did you see that?! He's just so cute! Eek!" He squealed. "I shouldn't say that I love him, but, like, I really do. I was so scared that I had lost him last night when he tackled that infected. I'm still totally shaken up about that. And then we did all the other stuff and I just kinda have a lot going on right now. I'm sure I'll let him watch these eventually, so Dear Future Levi. Hi, so you're amazing. Hope you're doing well. I love you. But, I shouldn't let the guy take too much shit while he waits for me, so I'll go. Levi! I'm do-"  _

The video cut off mid sentence as he got a hold of me again. I sigh, trying to force happy thoughts, trying not to cry. It is physically painful to watch myself with him, envying that man in the camera more than anything else ever on the planet.

"Hey, Shorty," Hanji starts. "You okay?"

"Sure," I nod, standing and walking over to them, shoving the camera into my pocket. "Yeah, I'm good. What do you need?"

"Hold this, so the cords aren't tangled."

"How do we have electricity?"

"Oh, Francisco has a generator and he's out syphoning gas right now."

"Cool," I nod, taking a hold of what felt like a power strip, but it's so dark in the cellar that I am not sure exactly. "And where did all this hospital shit come from?"

"I've had it."

"You just keep syringes and test tubes on you?"

They nod, a glittering smirk lighting the dark room a little bit. "Why wouldn't I? What if there's an opportunity like this one? I nabbed them from the nurse's office when the virus first broke out."

"So you've been lugging around medical equipment for the last year and change so you could run tests had you ever gotten the opportunity?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

"You astound me."

"I hope that was a compliment because that's exactly how I'm taking it."

"Take it how you want, I was just stating facts," I mutter, rolling my eyes at them in the dark. "So what's the plan, boss?"

"Well I have notes that I've collected on the virus since it broke headlines, and although everything I have heard chalks it up to a rabies mutation, but, personally, I think somebody did this to the United States as an attack. I don't think that it's just rabies. So I'm gonna extract samples, look at them, and see what I find. If anything interesting shows up, I might even be able to cure it in this family. But we have to work fast, cuz we really only have this weekend to work. After that we need to get going."

"Right. Okay."

"So I'm really gonna need your help."

"Sure. I said I would help."

"Thanks, Levi! You're the best friend I could have ever asked for."

"For helping you prod some sick people with needles? Seems like kind of an unfair qualification."

"Ugh, you know what I mean, idiot. But I think I'm all set up for when Francisco gets back. You can sit down again, if you want."

"Okay, sure," I nod, trying not to hope that we don't find a cure. I know I should be excited, but in my heart of hearts, finding a cure seems pointless when the one person I would use it on is already dead.


	24. Chapter 22

"Ha! Levi come here! Look at this!" Hanji exclaims, slamming their hands on the makeshift lab table.

"What is it, four eyes? We've been working for the past twelve hours. I'm beat."

"No! Look right there! See?" They motion to the primitive microscope, and I peek inside.

"See what?"

"See that! That's the virus."

"Right. I already saw it. You showed it to me like an hour and a half ago."

"No! Levi. It isn't  _ just  _ a virus. The virus is activated by that drug that's also in their system. Do you see how the blood is laced with something?"

"No, but I'll take your word for it. What does that mean? What kinda drug?"

"Well knowing what I know from my research on intoxicants, I'd guess that it was a sister drug to PCP. There is that rabies virus, but see, I can inject myself with the virus by itself and be okay. It's the PCP that activates it. See, because the protein-"

"Okay enough with the science. My brain isn't working at a high enough level to understand science talk. Especially biology. What's your theory?"

"Rabies doesn't start in cities, Levi. But no small town reported anything like this before the big eruptions in New York City, Boston, Philadelphia and DC. This was a weapon. A terrorist attack. Somebody spread the virus and then started distributing the jacked up PCP. This was well thought out. Premeditated. But, I'm curious to see if I can get them to come down from their highs, if the virus will still be functional."

"Okay, but not that many people do PCP."

"You wouldn't need very many people, Levi. Just a few in a densely populated area. Like New York City. They spread the PCP and the disease through bodily fluid contact, so saliva entering the bloodstream is enough to transfer the virus and the drug. Whoever did this was kind of a genius. People would just think of it as a virus, but somebody tries to weaponize it. This is biowarfare. Now I grew up with a lot of druggies around my house, so I know how to snap somebody out of a PCP high. My mom taught me."

"How?" I ask, dumbfounded.

"Secret. But it actually involves lavender. Wait here and watch her while I go whip up a batch of 'crash juice'."

"Jesus, okay." I settle into my chair, my eyes trained on the sedated toddler laying on the operating table, restrained by her wrists and ankles with thick leather straps. She looks so peaceful, breathing softly, snoring on the operating table. Less than five minutes later, Hanji was back, gripping a horrid looking green liquid sloshing in a mason jar. I nearly gagged looking at the putrid 'crash juice.'

"Kay, where do we inject her?" I ask. Hanji shakes their head.

"We don't inject her. She drinks it."

"Okay but even whacked out, I wouldn't touch that with a fucking pole," I muttered, shaking my head at the viscous green juice. “You honestly couldn’t pay me enough money, Hanji.”

"I have to pour it down her throat."

"Hanji, she could bite you."

"So? The cure is right here."

"Potentially," I scoff, not convinced in the slightest that this drink will save the infected girl.

"Have some faith, Levi."

"I don't want faith. Faith betrays you." I sigh, my heart aching for my lost love. I desperately pray that this isn't the solution, that we're just as in the dark as everybody else, and that saving Eren wasn't as simple as some green juice. I plead that his death wasn't in vain, begging whoever is listening to have mercy on me.

"Hold her head still so she doesn't lunge at me when the smell wakes her up."

"There's a smell?"

Hanji nods grimly as I grip the girl by the hair, pinning both sides of her head to the table beneath her. She unscrews the lid to the mason jar and instantly the most putrid smell engulfs me. My eyes begin to water, tears pricking at me from the ungodly stench. The girl seemed to dislike the smell as well, as she instantly tried to snap her small body up, hissing and screeching as I tightened my hands on her hair.

"Sorry girl," Hanji sighs, a skittish grin playing on their lips. "Your daddy tells me your name is Louisa? Please come back to us, Louisa." They dump the green drink down her throat. She sputters and coughs, choking on it, but finally it goes down. Instantly, there is a difference in her. She no longer fights, as she blinks back fresh tears from her wide brown eyes. The film over her eyes is vanishing right before me, and I nearly lose my grip on her.

She looks first to me, and then to Hanji before she finally speaks.

"Mommy?"


	25. Chapter 23

I can't lie, watching the family reunite itself was a beautiful moment. There were lots of tears after Hanji brought the other two back. After about fifteen minutes of loud crying and exclamations of gratitude, I have to excuse myself. I can't bear another moment of it, knowing I will never get to feel that sweet relief of getting my lost ones back. His green eyes stare into mine as I gaze blankly at the empty air of my cabin. 

I can hear his voice, barely a whisper. "Levi," he sighs on the whipping wind outside. I shake my head, trying to dispel the hallucinations. I take a long drink of water, trying to distract myself, hoping the illusions are simply the result of dehydration. I know in my heart that they're not. I know for a fact that I'll never escape him. "Levi," his voice sounds close. I can feel his breath on my ear. It pushes me over the edge. In a split second, I realize that I've lost my mind. "Levi, I love you."

"Go away!" I scream, pushing my face into the limp pillow on my bed. I squeeze my eyes shut, begging for my mind to stop tormenting me. "Lalalalalalala!" I drone desperately, a high lilt to my voice as I try to push his voice from my ears. "I can't hear you! You're not real!" I cry when the voices don't stop. Ringing through my head, I had never had a bout of hallucinations that extreme, not leaving even when I tried to push them back. Usually his voice would quiet down after I snapped at them out loud, but these were persistent.

"Levi? Levi are you okay?" Hanji asks, their voice muffled by the door to my quarters. "Sweetie what's going on?" I don't trust it, not sure what's real and what isn't. I lash out at the voice behind the door.

"You're not real!" I scream again, agonized in my hysterics. My voice strains as I keep hearing his voice ring softly in my ears. "No! Stop it! I'm not crazy, I'm not crazy, I'm not crazy," I mutter, almost as a way to convince myself of it. Quieting myself, I could feel my body dissolve into softly crying into my knees while I waited for the voices to stop. He wasn't saying anything concerning, more expressions of adoration, but I couldn't bring myself to bear it. I couldn't hear his voice, knowing damn well he was rotting away in a Bath and Body Works.

"Levi, let me in!" Hanji yells, pounding on the door. Slowly, when the auditory hallucinations quiet themselves, I stand and shuffle towards the door, unlocking it and swinging it open, half expecting there to be nobody on the other side. Hanji stands before me, tears in their eyes and instantly wrapping their arms around me. "I'm sorry," they whimper. "I can't make them go away."

"It's okay, Hanji. I'm okay," I whisper into their shoulder, almost calling myself on my lie. His voice whispers sweet nothings into my ear, even as I have my arms around Hanji. The tears spill over and I hack a coughing sob into their collarbone.

"Would watching a video or reminiscing make things better or worse?" They ask.

"I'm willing to try anything," I sigh, stepping backwards into the room and sitting on my bed. The voices are gone for now, and I can breathe again. "Just don't leave me alone."

"No, absolutely not. You couldn't get away from me if you tried. The state you're in requires constant surveillance." Hanji states firmly. "You're so strong."

"They sound so real," I whimper through my tears. "He sounds so real. Hanji, I'm really losing my shit."

"You're not losing anything," they assure me. "It looks bad right now, but I promise we can push you through this together. Do you wanna talk to me about him? Try talking about the happy times."

"Let's see if this makes me feel better," I mutter. "Well, I lived up to my promise that I would bring him a telescope. It was a shitty  _ Celestron _ from a Wal-Mart, but it did the job. Took the brat out late at night when we weren't on shift. I specifically requested the night off so that I could show him everything that there was to see."

"That's so romantic!" They exclaim, shaking my shoulders.

"Mhm, whatever. Anyways, so he was totally thrilled by the idea of looking at Saturn, so I zeroed in on it and let him look. He cried about how beautiful it was. Not full on sobbing, but his eyes were pretty welled up. God, I'd give anything to see him again. Anything," I whispered, wishing for a feeling of peace that would never fully come back.


	26. Chapter 24

The warming weather that came with the coming spring brought our time at the fort to a close. Parting ways with the weathered farmers, we began west once more. We were out of shape, not even making ten miles in a day, and our supplies ran out quickly. The grim reality was that we would have to go into town to stock up on food. 

I couldn't help but contemplate how quickly everything had fallen apart. Not a year prior, I was enjoying a summer away from the shitty brats in my math class. The majority of them were dead now, and those that weren't were either here with me, or hiding, fearing every day for their lives. Erwin, Sasha and Eren were elected to go on the food run while we set up camp. Never one to make a brat go in my place, I stepped up.

"I'll go instead of Eren and Sasha," I interjected. "Shitty brat doesn't even know how to fire a gun right."

"Ouch," he mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. 

"First of all, he fires fine, Levi," Erwin began, raising a thick eyebrow at me. He shot me empathy in his eyes, knowing I didn't want Eren hurt, but I was too much of a bitch. "And besides, you're still recovering from your injuries. But if you'd like to join us, feel free. We could use the extra hands."

"The hell I am. I'm fine, Erwin, and I'm coming along," I snapped, loading the shotgun, snapping the barrel closed with a pleasing click. "Let's go. If we go now, while it's still daylight, we won't have to spend the night with the infected."

"Fair plan," Sasha giggled, taking a bite of a Nature Valley bar. 

"Be careful, Fatty," Connie snickered, elbowing Sasha. She rolled her eyes at him and took an exaggerated bite of her granola bar.

"I don't wanna hear it from you, q-tip boy. You eat way more than I do, just less frequently."

"Whatever makes you feel better, " he joked with her. His close buzz cut had grown out some, the fuzzy hair on his head very reminiscent of q-tips.

We parted ways with our group and headed towards the small town. I had totally forgotten what state we were in at the moment, as all the land looked the same. Slowly creeping into the ghost town, we decided sticking together would be wisest. Safety in numbers, and all that. We stepped into a Wal-Mart and instantly start pulling things off of the shelves. Anything canned, anything that had decent nutritional value, anything that hadn't expired. We tossed anything that didn't fit the criteria aside, discarding it onto the floor. I was in the chips aisle when I heard a crashing sound and a, "Holy shit!" followed by the sound of rapid gunfire. I dropped my bag and sprinted towards the sound. When I found him, Eren was cornered, and I couldn't do anything for fear that the spray from the shotgun would hit him. I knew what I had to do.

"HEY! Over here!" I screamed, throwing a large bottle of Dr. Pepper on the ground. It instantly erupted with a fizzy, sticky mess. "You filthy maggots! Come and get me!" I felt a body tackling me from the side, taking me to the ground as I caught the infected's attention. I looked up and Sasha had taken me to the ground at her own expense, the infected man that had apparently tried to charge me from behind was eating my comrade before my eyes. I didn't have time to react emotionally. She screamed and I fired, killing both of them, and trained my gun on the infected swarming at me. I fired when they were all close enough to be hit. Pumping it again I fired again and again, checking my six to make sure I wouldn't cost another life. I allowed them to corner me against the dairy section as I continued to plug them, but they just kept coming. I had no idea how we hadn't noticed the mob when we entered the store. I figured they had been in the back of the store.

"Uh, a little help over here!" I called out, getting dangerously close to being out of ammunition, another thing I had needed to stock up on during the fated supply run.

"Duck, Levi," Erwin's voice commanded, I dropped to my knees and watched as the infected woman's head was knocked from her shoulders. I heard a machine sputter and come to life. Erwin swung a chainsaw at the infected, and even with one arm, he was a hulk of a man, easily with enough strength to take somebody's head off. I thought back to our military days, an out of place smirk on my lips as I fired at the infected's legs. I was soaked with the black blood, bone matter and entrails sticking to my skin. "Get to Eren and go! There's too many of them. I'll distract them, just run!"

"What? No! We're not just gonna leave you! That is blatant insubordination!" I yelled when I was free of the swarm, now focusing entirely on Erwin. I was straddling a post traumatic flashback from our deployment. We ran backwards together, our eyes trained on the only growing crowd of infected.

"What's insubordination is not following orders, Captain! I'll make you leave me. Levi, it's time karma caught up with me," Erwin muttered, smiling at me and throwing his body between me and the infected. I flinched forward, the beginnings of an intervention taking hold of me, but I was too late. They all pounced on him and I watched in horror as my Commander was swept away with the tides of blood, joining the party of lives lost.

"Eren! Where are you?!" My voice cracked as I scanned the area only to find that my love was engaged in hand to hand with a straggler. He hadn't been visibly bitten. "Get out of the way!" I knew I had hit him anyways, but I figured a little shrapnel was better than getting infected.

I fired again as I sprinted towards the horrified teenager, grabbing his wrist and bolting out of the Wal-Mart, crashing through a window as the door had been blocked off by infected. We ran the mile back to camp in an incredibly roundabout manner, probably making it closer to two or three miles. Eren was losing steam, so mid stride, I grabbed him around the knees and flung him over his shoulder, my legs moving swiftly as I carried him through the thick woods. I could feel tears sting my eyes, but I couldn't bring myself to crying. My lungs were screaming for air that I couldn't supply them as Eren's body grew limp over my shoulder. He had been hit harder than I had expected him to be. The shotgun spray would kill him if I didn't get him to camp soon. Still at a dead sprint, I screamed into camp and fell, sliding us across the ground. Eren was unconscious and I was coughing and heaving on the ground, before everything faded to black, my apparently still healing wounds mixed with fresh ones forcing unconsciousness onto me yet again.


	27. Chapter 25

_ "We've lost three in the last week. Erwin and Sasha were killed in a supply run. I got shot, but I'm healing myself right up. I hate unsuccessful supply runs. Ninety percent of our supply runs are fine, but the ten percent that aren't really fuck with me.  _

_ "Levi hasn't let me leave my tent yet. He's been a real sweetheart making sure I'm okay, but I really feel like I could leave my bed at this point. But yeah. I feel like it's my fault that Sasha died, at least, which I guess makes it my fault that Connie's gone, too. Yeah, Connie gave up when he found out Sasha died. He hung himself the next day. Poor Armin found him. I can't imagine that. I wish I could see everybody and give them all hugs, but apparently I'm pretty fragile right now." Eren sighed, deep trauma in his once bright, innocent eyes. He seemed almost completely unphased by everything, even when he was blaming himself.  _

_ "I thought I could save people. I really thought I could protect them all, but I failed. I have done nothing but fail. The only reason I'm even alive is because other people died in my place. I'm just tired. I wanna go to sleep and never wake up again. Levi keeps apologizing for shooting me, but he did tell me to get out of the way, just I couldn't get far enough away. He feels terrible. I heard him freaking out to Hanji, and he told her that he loved me!" Eren smiled softly. "He hasn't said it to me, but I get it. It's a little soon, but that's nice to know. I just can't believe I turned eighteen yesterday. I'm officially an adult. I can't go buy any kind of tobacco products cuz there aren't any stores around, but the idea of it is nice. I don't know what day it is, but I know it's been, like six months. I don't know what state we're in, but I'm guessing Missouri. We haven't crossed any huge rivers yet, and I'm not exactly looking forward to it, but I figure it's coming soon. I'm supposed to be sleeping, though, and Levi will flip his shit if I'm not sleeping enough. "I need to  _ heal _ ,"" he mimicked, rolling his eyes. "So, yeah, I should go. Bye." _

I take a deep breath. I really had felt horrible for hitting Eren with the spray. I took it upon myself to make sure that he was okay. I felt myself return to that time and the waves of relief that washed over me when I watched his green eyes flutter open.

"Eren," I sighed, letting out a breath that I had been holding for nearly three days. "Oh my God," I whispered, planting a kiss onto the back of his hand. We had already buried Connie, but I wasn't going to mention his death to the brat until I was sure that he was okay. I leaned over his unmoving body and gently pressed my lips onto his. He didn't kiss me back.

"Wha- What happened, Levi? Why do I hurt so bad? Did I hit my head? Why don't I remember anything?"

"Baby, you've been asleep the past three days. You're never going to forgive me, I- I shot you. I was aiming for an infected and the spray hit you. I'm so sorry."

Recognition lit up in his troubled eyes. "Oh, right. It's coming back to me. What happened to Erwin? I saw what happened to Sasha." I shuddered, remembering the feeling of unloading shots onto her. I felt waves of guilt crashing into me. I felt like I had made the wrong choices. I felt like they would have been able to get by without me. I felt like coming along on the run was what had gotten three people killed. 

"He didn't make it either. He sacrificed himself so that I could save you and get out."

"He shouldn't have done that," Eren whimpered. "I'm so sorry, Levi."

I shook my head. "It's not your fault, it's just how it is. We lost three this week. Our worst this whole time."

"Three? But Sasha and Erwin were the only two that," Eren trailed off, thinking hard about who else could have died.

"Connie killed himself yesterday."

Eren's face went sheet white and he swallowed hard. "What?"

"Yeah. Armin found him swinging from a tree. Poor little bastard."

"Jesus," Eren sighed.

"Yeah," I sighed, nodding at him. "We're all thrilled you're still with us. I've been giving people updates whenever they swing by the tent, but I haven't left. Don't want ya dying on me."

"Right," Eren sniffed. He leaned forward and met out lips. "I love you, Levi," he murmured against them.

"I adore you," I nodded, still not able to commit to the "L" word, though I knew that that was what I felt.


	28. Chapter 26

After returning his family to him, Francisco sent us on our way with bags of lavender, and two of his prized horses. Even after he got his family back, he couldn't bring himself to part with his beloved farm. I seriously considered staying with him, or turning back and ending it all back with Eren. I decided against it in the end, however, because I needed to make sure that Hanji made it to Los Angeles safely before I was allowed to die. They were too important for me to just abandon without a second thought.

"Thank you again, Francisco," Hanji smiles, sitting atop a tall white gelding. I am on a smaller horse, and even the idea of riding on my own left me unsettled, but I wasn't about to turn down faster transportation.

"No, thank you Ms. Hanji, and Mr. Levi. Without you, I would have nobody. You brought back my reasons to stay alive."

"Of course," I murmur, the familiar pain shooting up my veins when I thought about Eren. "I just can't believe it was that easy this whole time."

"Me neither," Hanji mutters grimly. "Coulda saved lots of people."

Waving a final goodbye to Francisco and his family, We begin our ride down the freeway. "Hanji."

"Yeah, Levi?" They reply with a nod and a glance in my direction.

"Don't tell anybody we found the cure," I answer quickly before I can lose my nerve. "Please."

Hanji pauses for a long time, turning their head to look at me, a concerned confusion in their eyes. "Why?" is the only word they manage to whisper in response to such an insanely selfish request.

"I can't do that to him. I can't save people knowing that I lost him before I even knew how. If anybody deserved that cure, it was that little shit. I can't Hanji. I'm not strong enough."

"Sweet baby, I'm so sorry," Hanji sighs. "You can't make me choose not to save lives. If saving lives is something you can't do, not saving them is something that I can't do. I need to save as many lives as possible. That's what nursing school was for, Levi. If there's any way I can help somebody who is ill, as a nurse, I am morally obligated to do so."

"I know, Hanji, but if you do this, I can't be a part of it. It'll hurt too bad. I would never forgive myself for it. I feel like I betrayed him."

"I understand, Levi. I get why you don't wanna help, but I'm going to do everything in my power to prevent this disease from taking more people just like Eren."

" _ Nobody _ was like Eren," I growl, sudden aggressiveness taking me over. "Nobody will  _ ever  _ be like Eren." My hands grip tighter onto the reins of the horse, my knuckles white as we move down the freeway towards our destination.

"Bad word choice," they sigh, running fingers through their ponytail. "I'm sorry, Levi."

"It's fine. Just don't talk to me about the cure. It hurts me on a molecular level."

"Of course, Levi. I won't talk about it to you ever again," Hanji nods, a sad look in their deep brown eyes. 

"Okay," I consent softly, in a voice so quiet that I'm not even sure that she hears me. I realize that having survived everything that has already happened, the only thing that will kill me is myself. Conflicting opinions battle inside of me, fighting each other for my trigger fingers. Taking another deep breath, trying to focus on the soft clopping sound of the horses's hooves on the unholy freeway. I can't keep my mind off of him as he whispers into my ear again. "Shut your fucking mouth," I snap at the voices, which immediately quiet down. Hanji raises an eyebrow, knowing exactly what's going on.

"I wish I could make them go away," they sigh again, both of us weighed down by a sinking depression.

"I know."

"I miss you already," they mumble, almost like they aren't even talking to me. That candid expression rattles me. It hadn't occurred to me before that Hanji is already aware that I'm dead. They know I won't make it. We ride the rest of the shortening day in total silence before we set up camp, pitching our tents and going to sleep without another word to each other. It hurts too bad to address them. I can't bring myself to face the fact that they know full well how far gone I am.


	29. Chapter 27

I reminisce the past few days, looking over our time with Francisco, trying to put a more positive spin on things in my head, but even Eren's video journals were taking a depressing turn. I think back to my mental break, followed by the story I told Hanji about the kid. I close my eyes, letting that memory take a hold of me.

"Levi," Eren whispered nervously. "It's our night off. Why are we getting up? It's so late."

"Just come on, Eren. There's something I need to show you," I muttered back, my voice low as to not wake the others. Hanji and Jean were sitting guard, and I didn't want to piss them off, either, so I made sure to let them know what my plans were ahead of time. Eren had ripped a large hole in his tent, so the natural conclusion was that he would move into mine with me and ditch the old one. We crawled from our tent quietly and I slung my backpack over my shoulders, taking my weapon and Eren's hand. We were working our way into May, so the weather had done some significant warming, requiring only a light sweater to venture out into the dark black night.

I led him into the woods, squeezing his hand reassuringly. I had scouted the area earlier in the day, making sure no infected would surprise us while we went on our makeshift date. He had no idea what was going on, and therefore was significantly more nervous than I was. I had nabbed a small telescope during our last supply run, which I insisted on doing solo, so that in case any more lives were lost, it would only be mine. We stepped to the edge of a clearing and I stepped in front of him, turning to face him. 

"Okay, close your eyes," I said quietly, swinging my gun around my shoulders and taking both of his smooth hands in mine.

"What? Why?" Eren stammered, obviously confused as he anxiously scanned his surroundings.

"Because. You'll ruin the surprise if you keep them open, brat." I had heated powdered hot chocolate over the fire earlier that night, keeping it hot in a metal thermos, but had already set the telescope up. All that was left was setting up the blanket. I was never known to be a fluffy piece of shit, planning dates and coming up with ways to surprise my exes, but with Eren, it almost felt obligatory. Like I had to think of little ways to make him happy because it was the least I could do. Eren raised an eyebrow skeptically, but consented, lowering his eyelids until they were closed. It occurred to me that every surprise he had had in the last seven months or so had been a negative experience, where he had lost people that were dear to him. I understood his trust issues with surprises.

"Okay. You're sure it's okay for me to have my eyes closed? What if there are infected?" He asked nervously.

"There aren't. I scouted this place out about two hours ago, and unless we have some fast ones that smell us, there won't be any around here for a while."

"Don't say stuff like that. You'll jinx us." With his hands in mine, I guided him forward into the clearing, towards the dinky telescope.

"Hey, you brought it up," I snorted, leading him closer. About five feet from the little old Celestron, I stopped. "No peeking. You'll ruin it."

"Yeah, yeah. What are you even doing? Where are we?" Without knowing, I had chosen a completely immune clearing. There were lavender bushes everywhere. If we had stayed there, we would have been safe. I could have saved him if I only knew.

"It's a secret. Now, shut up brat."

"Okay, shutting up," Eren narrated. I rolled my eyes at him and unfolded the comforter. The only one that Wal-Mart seemed to have was Paw Patrol, which didn't matter too much. Just proved that the other survivors had better taste. I tossed my backpack into the center of the blanket and led my boyfriend to the comforter. He must have tripped on a root, because he fell forward and knocked me onto my back, landing conveniently on top of me. "I'm so sorry!" he squeaked, trying not to laugh.

"No problem. At least we landed on the blanket," I snickered, pushing Eren's hair back with my cold fingers.

"Can I open my eyes?" He asked.

"Go ahead," I nodded as he opened his jade eyes, climbing off of me and taking in his new surroundings.

"Woah!" Eren exclaimed, his eyes instantly glued to the night sky. "Look at all the st- Oh my God! Is that a telescope?!" 

I nodded slowly, a smile spreading across my face as his excitement grew. "Yeah, it is."

"Oh my God, you did all this?" he questioned, grinning wildly, as he wrapped his long arms around my shoulders. I nodded and he made an almost squeal-like noise. "Thank you!"

"Don't mention it," I muttered a soft response. "Here." I pulled the thermos out of the backpack and handed it to him. "Hard to say if it's still hot, but I mean, it's chocolate, so how bad can it get?"

"You made hot chocolate?!" he exclaimed into my shoulder.

"Right in my ear," I muttered.

"Sorry! Sorry!" he backtracked, pulling away from me to take a sip of the lukewarm chocolate. "And it's still hot! Levi, this is so amazing!" he beamed at me, wiping the drink from his lip with the back of his hand. "This is the nicest thing anybody has ever done for me."

"I would think saving your life ranks higher than this," I chuckled cynically, getting up to position the telescope. I finally centered in on Saturn.

"Making the life that I have worth living ranks higher than saving one that I don't want anymore," he grinned again, crawling across the blanket and kissing my cheek, while I knelt at the eyepiece of the scope, trying to get the image into focus. As happy as he seemed, I knew he was battling demons trying to stay alive. I knew I was too hard on him most of the time, but I really only wanted him to be able to take care of himself when the inevitable came. Being totally certain at the time that I would be the one to die first, I had to prepare him for that. I should have been preparing myself.

"Well I'm glad that taking you on shitty dates makes life worth living," I nodded, patting his knee. "Now, get. I'm trying to focus the lens, and I can't concentrate if some shitty brat I know is trying to kiss me and stuff. Drink the cocoa."

"Right," Eren agreed enthusiastically, flopping back onto the blanket. "Paw Patrol?"

"It was all they had. Unless you wanted to stargaze on My Little Pony, or Fortnite." I visibly cringed, remembering all of the shitty brats talking about Fortnite. It was bullshit.

"Okay, yeah, Paw Patrol is fine," Eren giggled. Finally getting a clear image of Saturn in the lens, I pulled away and turned to Eren.

"Come over here, Eren." I motioned to the boy on the blanket. "Now, when you look through, you have to hold still. You can't bump it, or it'll mess everything up. And close one eye when you look through, or else your other eye will fuck it all up."

Eren twisted his face into an exaggerated wink and gazed into the eyepiece, his jaw dropping as his eye focused on the clear image of Saturn he was getting. "Holy shit," he murmured softly while I admired his profile. His small, thin nose pointed up at the end, adding to his sweet, youthful expression, making him almost comparable with a high-elf. He was long and lean, with the face of an adolescent angel. I chuckled to myself, picturing him with the pointed elf ears, and the glittering freckles. He was perfect.

Turning from the telescope, finally tearing his eyes away from the bright, ringed planet, he smiled at me, and I could tell there was nothing weighing on his mind at that moment. He was completely free, and I had never felt happier than I did watching him eye me with a childlike expression.

"That's so beautiful," he choked. "Thank you, Levi."

"It's the least I can do for you, Eren. I- I-" I tried to push the L word out of my mouth, but it wasn't coming. At a loss for words, I said what I felt in a much more roundabout manner. "You're the best thing that has ever happened to me. You help me in ways I didn't even know I needed. I want to spend nights like this with you forever."

"Me too, Levi. I love you," he murmured. All I could do was nod with tears in my eyes, pulling him to me tightly.

"I'm never gonna let you go. You've destroyed me in the best way possible." My voice was thick with tears that never fell. He hugged me tighter to him. It felt like if I hugged him any tighter, he would melt into me, and one person wouldn't be distinguishable from the other.

The clothes didn't come off fast enough. I needed him more than anything and it was more than evident in my actions. It was also incredibly obvious in the way that Eren responded as well. I took him twice that night before we packed up and headed back, dazed in our happiness, drunk in our love.


	30. Chapter 28

I am stunned at the pace we have going, being able to ride horses for the majority of the day, we are breaking twenty miles a day. Both Hanji and I are increasingly sore, using different muscle groups riding than we had been using while we walked. In less than two weeks, we made it to the Las Vegas valley, overlooking the city we would have to make it through, no doubt overrun with infected.

"Best of luck," I mutter to my friend as we begin our descent into the city of sin. 

"And you as well," they smirk, chuckling through their nose at me as we slowly plod along. We have plenty of lavender to deter the infected with, but the wind howls against us, leaving the horses on edge and making me question whether the sweet purple flower will even be effective.

"We need to make it through Las Vegas today. We can't spend the night," I announce, making sure we are both on the same page.

"I agree. Too many people."

"Mhm." I eye my shotgun, running my fingers along the long barrel. It had only failed me one time, which had resulted in me finally accepting the fact that I needed to start a committed relationship with Eren. I question whether or not my old ally had a mind of its own, pushing for us to have a relationship like that. "Well, thanks for that anyways," I mutter at it, wondering if it can hear me. Maybe some spirit possesses it. Maybe  _ he _ possesses it. I shake my head, dispelling such nonsensical thought. Lack of logic would kill me faster than anything else, but it feels nice to imagine that maybe he misses me, too.

"Did you say something, Levi?" Hanji asks, turning their head to face me.

I shake my head. "No." They shrug and return to their prior position, staring blankly ahead, down the freeway to freedom.

"Huh. Maybe I'm losing it, too," they chuckle. "We're gonna have to talk to so many shrinks when we get rescued. I feel like the survivors have been crazier every three month trip back."

I nod. "I would imagine. Each batch has seen more shit than the last. And yeah. I wouldn't look forward to the shrinks." I try to avoid the fact that I have no intention of actually even leaving the mainland. 

"Hey, Levi?" they ask.

"Hmm?"

"Are we strong? Ya know, cuz we made it? Or does that make us weak? That we didn't die with our friends?"

I shrug. "I would say strong initially, but I would also debate that. Because if we were strong enough to stay alive, that also means we were selfish enough, weak enough, to let our comrades die in our stead. I would also bring up the fact that neither of us has killed ourselves yet. That's strength. We wanna see if we can at least make it to Los Angeles, because we'll be damned if nobody in our little party did."

"True enough," they nod, letting out a long sigh as we silently watch the cracks along the overpass we trek across. The wind only picks up, caking us in more dust. As if Utah hadn't been enough. Hanji starts coughing and almost evading my notice completely, the plastic bag with our lavender in it releases itself from my saddle. 

"Shit! That's the lavender!" I yell, vaulting off of my horse after the runaway bag, but it's too late, the bag snags a rock and our precious lavender is now being carted away on the breeze. "Fuck, Hanji. We gotta get outta here."

"Yeah, I could only make the crash juice because Francisco had an operational kitchen. There aren't many of those around here. So if we're bit, we're screwed."

"That's comforting," I hiss, climbing back onto the horse, hoping that the smell of lavender would linger on us long enough that we could get out of Las Vegas alive. We kick our horses, trying to get them to pick up the pace, but they were dehydrated, the last water stop almost twenty four hours ago at the Virgin River. "Hurry up, we have to go!"

"You act like I don't know that!" Hanji snaps back, both of us urging our horses to run. I can already hear the hissing of infected as they swarm behind us.

"Fuck, fuck,  _ motherfuck _ ! C'mon tiger let's pick it up." I'm lagging, my horse growing tired. "Hanji!"

Hanji whips their head around and sees the infected closing in on me, all of them sprinting, howls escaping their throats as their glazed eyes stare me down. "Shit, Levi you're gonna have to jump!" They pull back on their reins, slowing the horse down a little, matching its pace with mine.

"I can't just jump off of a moving horse, Hanji."

"Would you rather  _ die _ ?!"

"Don't make me answer that!" I scream against the howling wind, grabbing my weapon and removing my feet from the stirrups. Hanji gets as close as they can to my horse without running into it.

"Now!" they shout as I leap from the horse, who bolts down the off-ramp completely unnoticed by the infected, the entire mob still trained on me. My balance is shot as I cling tightly to my friend, pleading that I don't fall off.

"Don't fucking let me go!" I scream, spinning around in the saddle, now facing the rear end of the speeding equine, tying my torso to my friends with my grappling rope. Once the knot is secure, I start loading bullets into the shotgun, who springs to life in my hands. I nod and mutter assurances to it while I aim at the growing crowd. "Firing," I warn Hanji as I squeeze the trigger, blasting a large chunk of the first row of infected to smithereens, grinning evilly as I watch them blow apart, the impact coupled with their proximity acting almost explosively as they fall. "Reloading." I inform them while I refill my weapon with bullets. The horse is flipping shit as I take them out, the loud sounds erupting from behind them only fueling their sprint. "Firing."

"Holy shit! Levi, hold on tight!" Hanji booms, causing me to nearly drop the shotgun as I scramble to grip the back of the saddle. Suddenly, we are airborne, coasting over a small cluster of newly infected, writhing on the ground and screeching as the virus takes them over.

"Jesus!" I snap when we hit the ground, lurching both of us forward. "Where the fuck did you learn to jump a horse?"

"I was a crazy horse girl, remember? We learn shit sometimes," they snicker maniacally as the swarm chasing us only grows. I keep firing, doing damage to their numbers.

"Reloading," I mutter as we screamed down the freeway, all of us, including the enormous black horse fearing for our lives. "Firing."

Finally, the numbers begin to dwindle as I keep picking them off, and the sweating horse begins to slow down, sensing the danger fading. We continue down Interstate 15 towards Primm, Nevada. We were out of Las Vegas nearly two hours after we had started in. I kill off the remaining infected trailing us and the horse looks like it's ready to collapse.

"Well, shit," Hanji mutters, pulling the reins, guiding the horse to the side of the freeway. A small puddle of water is a sweet treat for our tired animal. "Good boy, Bandit. That's a good boy." She pats his neck happily, both of us still breathing hard, coming down from the adrenaline rush.

"Yeah, good boy," I breathe, patting the horse's hindquarters, drooping my head, exhausted as Hanji continues on at a slow walk. I untie the rope and turn around again, wrapping my arms around Hanji, drifting to sleep on the shoulders of a friend.


	31. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning. Graphic and sad, but I feel like if you've made it this far, you're kinda okay with it at this juncture.

_ "Colorado went by so quickly!" Eren grinned into the camera. "I've always wanted to get stoned in Colorado, but I guess that really isn't a thing anymore. But, look!" He flipped the camera around, showing a  _ Welcome to Utah _ sign gracing the side of the freeway. Somebody had gone in and written "HELL" over Utah in black spray paint. I didn't realize how ironic that would end up being until I watched footage of us crossing the boarder. "Utah! Next stop, Logan! Levi, we're in the home stretch! And I still have you! I love you guys! We're so close to the end!" _

_ "Yeah!" Armin squeaked, wrapping his wiry arms around his lanky friend, while Mikasa grinned into the camera from behind them. _

_ "We're gonna make it to LA!" She exclaimed loudly while Jean threw his fist in the air, letting out a loud whooping noise. _

_ "You're damn right we fuckin' made it, brat. Wouldn't have just let you die," I snickered, pecking his cheek on camera.  _

_ "We made it cuz we're fuckin' bad _ ass _ ," Jean snorted, pulling his backpack up further on his shoulder.  _

_ "You all are so cute!" Hanji exclaimed from off camera. "I just wanna pinch your cheeks!" _

_ "Pinch my cheeks and I'll beat your ass, Four-Eyes," I snapped, glaring off camera. _

_ "Sounds kinky," Hanji nudged. "But I won't pry, Shorty." Eren turned bright red. _

_ "Oh my God, can we not talk about my sex life for  _ five _ minutes?!" I groaned loudly. _

_ "Well, you are the only ones getting some," Jean poked, jabbing me in the arm. _

_ "Just cuz you're a child doesn't mean I'll hesitate to beat the ever loving savior out of you. Watch yourself, Kirschtein." _

_ "Actually, if my hunch has any backing, Armin and Mikasa are getting it on," Hanji cackled loudly while Armin made a strangled squeaking sound. _

_ "Seriously?!" Eren gasped. "You  _ guys! _ Whatever. I have discussions to have with my best friend and my  _ sister _ , so I'm gonna go. Bye!" _

I shut the camera off, letting out a long breath. I could feel something churning deep inside my mind, rattling old chains, chains that would never release me. I could feel the insanity bubbling to the surface as I remembered the hope that we had crossing into Utah. Hope that was shattered in less than an hour as Hanji and I were the only ones left. The tears already began their well worn path down my cheeks as I collapsed to my knees in our makeshift camp, clutching the camera tightly in my hands. "You left me! You bastard, you left me all alone!" Pressing my face into the ground I scream in agony and grief. "How could you?!" Letting go of the camera with my right hand, my fingers curl into a tight fist as I pound it into the unforgiving earth. My entire body is shaking as I sob. "You promised me! How could I have let you die?" I choked, quieter than before.

"Levi!" Hanji drops to their knees and squeezes me with one arm around my waist. "Levi, please."

"N-no, Hanji, you don't understand! I love him so much, and I let him die," I cried loudly. "We were so close. If I had just listened to you, we would all be okay."

"Baby, no," Hanji coos. "Sweet boy, come here." They pull my body upright and tight to theirs as I wrap my arms tightly around them. "Hanji loves you. I'm right here."

I physically can't answer them, can't stand up, can't walk, can't do anything. I'm stuck in a state between life and death, balancing on a tightrope, one false step being the deciding factor in my fate. I could feel myself wobbling as I took an unsteady step on the suspended line in my mind, my knees weak, wondering if I could manage another one.

I could hear Sasha's screams ringing loud in my head. I could see Erwin's final smile at me as he launched himself into the fray to save my life. I could see the shock and fear on Marco's face as the gun was aimed at his head. Armin's screams when he found Connie hanging from a tree. It all came crashing into me at once, and I was bursting, overflowing with the trauma and unresolved grief. The unresolved guilt. The people I never got to say goodbye to.

"I wish I could tell you it was okay, or that it was going to be, but I really don't know. You hate it when I lie to you," they whisper while I sob. "But I really wish I could. Look, I know you can't really say anything right now, and you don't need to. I'll just hold onto you." I nod into their shoulders, trying to catch my breath, but only pushing myself further. I'm hyperventilating as the breath just doesn't come.

"Just so you know, it's probably September twenty fourth, 2020. I did the math in my head today. That would make it a Thursday. Thirteen months and two days, if you can believe that." That date sounded foreign to my ears, like a day that was in the distant future. I hadn't heard the date in a long time. Long enough for me to forget that it was 2020.

"Mmm," I nod, finally catching hold of myself. "C-crazy."

"Yeah, really. What were you doing today two years ago?"

"Teaching math," I snap coldly, standing up and dusting myself off. It will be a long ride to Los Angeles, knowing that I only have one entry left. Knowing it's the last time I'll ever see Eren. I know I need to save it for the end of the end, but the dying camera may leave me no choice.


	32. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for following me along on this journey. It's almost over. Sorry my stoner ass didn't post it when I posted it on wattpad. But if you want to see the completed Just Five Days, as well as the sequel, Forever and Always, my wattpad is @Ackermans_Love_420

As we ride closer to Los Angeles, my mind is stolen from me, remembering the final leg of our journey wanting to kick myself for even stopping in Logan in the first place. Knowing it should be me dead in the Bath and Body Works, not him. We make our way down into Hell, and Jean spotted a mall from the freeway.

"Guys we could get all kinds of winter supplies in there," He pointed out. I shook my head.

"We're not even gonna need it if we hurry to LA. The weather gets warmer as we work south. Let's find a grocery store," I dissented.

"But what if it freezes?" Armin chimed in. "And we haven't done something fun like this in forever. We could go shopping! Kind of."

"We're in Utah, brat. It's not gonna freeze. If it didn't freeze in Colorado, it's not gonna freeze here. And you want to go shopping, for  _ fun _ , during the apocalypse?"

"But, I haven't been to a mall in so long," Jean whined.

" _ I wonder why, _ " I snapped sarcastically, crossing my arms. "Look. Fine. We'll go raid the mall for winter stuff and new tents. It said there was a Big Five. We might be able to get some dehydrated food, if we're lucky. And I guess if you idiots wanna go pick something out of the stores, you guys can be my guests." I was starting to get excited by the prospect of a new sleeping bag.

We made our way off of the freeway, towards the tall indoor mall. "Levi, this is a bad idea," Hanji piped up. "There's only one exit. What if there are infected?"

"There aren't gonna be infected, Hanji. What are they gonna do, eat the pot brownies at Spencer's? No. They're gonna be out attacking people and raising hell. If anything, we're more in danger out in the open like this. Let's go."

"No. I have a bad feeling about this, Levi. You need to trust me."

"Hanji, I'm a grown man. I do trust you, but I'll be damned if I have to sleep one more night in this blasted tent."

"Please, Levi. There are tents at Wal-Mart. Let's just go."

"Hanji, come on," I groan. "Even if there are some infected, there's a literal shit ton of us, and we all have guns. We've been outnumbered before. Just saying."

"Yeah, Hanji," Jean snorted. "Have some faith in us."

"With all due respect, Ms. Zoe," Armin piped up, looking at the gloomy grey sky, "Levi has gone on solo supply runs, and been okay."

"That's Levi," she argued. "You are not all like Levi. He has military experience. You guys don't. I wouldn't even trust Levi running in by himself for supplies. Malls would be death traps, you guys. Think about all the places they could randomly pop out from."

"Or all the places we could use as cover," Eren chimed in, leaning on my shoulder, planting his lips into the top of my head. "We'll be fine, Hanji. We're the ones that made it. We're tough."

"Okay, fine. You guys raid the mall. I'm not going in there. I'll keep walking down the freeway. You guys can meet up with me when you're done. Good luck! Give Mama Hanji hugs! And if anybody sees a fancy soap shop, get me lotion. Utah is dry as hell." Hanji went around pulling each of us into tight embraces. "You guys got this!"

"You're damn fuckin' right we do, " Jean agreed, a smug grin on his face. "See ya in a bit, scaredy-cat." We walked in through the broken automatic doors, taking in the size of the interior. It was dim inside, but not dark thanks to several gaping holes in the roof of the building. I wondered what could have caused holes of that calibre after only a year of abandonment.

"Woah, guys, look at everything!" Armin exclaimed. "There's so much stuff!"

"Really," Eren murmured, looking skyward contemplatively. 

"We all have weapons. We could split up and go shopping," Jean suggested. I figured with how many supplies were left, we were safe to go off on our own. I nodded, approving them to go off on their own. Mikasa and Armin headed for the Barnes and Noble on the top floor. Jean sprinted off towards the Hot Topic and Eren darted up the escalator. I grabbed a new tent, shoving it into my backpack and discarding the old one. I did the same with my sleeping bag and my thermos, thrilled to finally have some new supplies. I couldn't find any ammunition that would work with my shotgun, but I had plenty to last until our next supply run. I continued to rummage through the old store, looking for dehydrated food, or something along those lines. Finding nothing, I turned to return to the rest of the shopping area when I heard a blood-curdling scream come from the top floor.


	33. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Also graphic and sad. This is the one I meant that last summary to be for, so, like whatever I can't be arsed.

I bolt into the center of the mall, looking up towards the Barnes and Noble before my eyes locked with Jean's. We silently nodded at each other and made a dash for the inoperable escalator, taking two stairs at a time, dashing towards the source of the screaming. I loaded bullets as I ran, finally reaching the top floor. I knew as the infected retreated from the Barnes and Noble that we were too late. I picked off the swarm of five with my shotgun without an issue. Armin stumbled out of the bookstore clinging to the hand of a twitching Mikasa. He kissed her with tears in his wide blue eyes, blood dripping from his arm and a huge gash in Mikasa's neck. Mikasa's grey eyes were empty, her soul leaving her as they slowly made their way back into the forsaken food court. She was turning quickly. Jean and I watched with stunned eyes as he led her to the glass railing.

"C'mon, Kas," he murmured. "It's time to go." He kept pulling her closer to the edge and she was rapidly losing her mind. Breathing heavily, she was full on convulsing, snarling at the blonde. She lunged at him and Armin looked at me. "Fire, Levi!" I shot once and they both fell over the edge, hitting the ground of the first floor with a sickening smack, both of them killed instantly. 

I heard gunshots coming from the second floor, and turned towards Jean, swatting his shoulder and pointing at the escalator. He nodded and we headed back towards the glorified staircase, before a loud gurgling sound froze us dead in our tracks. We spun around and the stray infected man war charging me. Jean shot first, taking out one of its kneecaps as it turned its attention to him. They began battling hand to hand, while I searched my bag for more bullets. 

Finding none, I whipped my new machete out of my backpack and ran at the rabid man. Slicing him through his center of mass, I knew he would be dead soon enough. Jean fired his handgun at the man as the infected sank his teeth into Jean's forearm. Jean looked at me with wide eyes as he pulled the gun up and shot the man in the head. The infected dropped, taking a fair chunk of Jean's flesh with him, locked in his teeth. Jean shook his head repeatedly, as if he couldn't believe what had happened.

"Levi, I don't wanna die," He sobbed, shaking his head and dropping to his knees. "I don't wanna die," be begged. "Don't let me die."

I felt a wave of empathy for the infected teenager. "Hey, hey," I murmured, getting onto my knees next to him. "Close your eyes. It won't hurt as bad. Pray to whatever's out there that you see Marco again." Jean nodded, a resolution taking root in his eyes. Handing me his pistol, he wiped them with the back of his hand and let his eyelids fall. I stood again and touched the barrel of his handgun to his forehead.

"That's cold," he chuckled, his eyes squeezed shut. "The gun, I mean. I thought it would be warm." I pulled the trigger with a sigh and he fell backwards, dead. The gunfire stopped downstairs and I sprinted down the escalator, never having run that quickly in my entire life. I began searching stores for any sign of my Eren. Thoroughly searching every little shop on the floor, I heard a final gunshot ring through the mall, echoing in the emptiness. I ran towards the sound, hoping to find Eren. I found a pile of dead infected at the entrance of Bath and Body Works, sighing with relief that Eren had taken them out on his own. I stepped over a body of an infected man that had made it inside.

"Eren, it's safe to come ou-" I was cut off by the sight of my worst fear. "Eren?!" I dropped my backpack and ran to his side, kneeling beside his warm corpse. Processing the scene laying before me, I knew immediately that he was dead, though I didn't trust myself. Taking his hand, I could feel his fingertips cooling off against my palm. There was a fresh bite mark in his hand, blood oozing out of the gash. His forehead was the destination of the last bullet to go off. I couldn't believe my eyes. "Eren, come on," I instructed with a shaky breath. "We gotta go find Hanji." He remained motionless. Dead. "Eren, please!" I screamed, tapping my other hand against his face, hoping to get him to come to, begging that this was a cruel prank. I leaned in and kissed his lips, but they were cool and unresponsive. Dead. "Eren, don't you do this to me! Don't leave me! Please," I rasped through tears that finally had the guts to fall. "I love you! Wake up, please! I love you!" 

My voice was a strained scream. I pressed my head into his chest, sobbing into it, as I clutched to his clothing. I continued crying for a long time, practically begging for more infected to find me. "No," was all I could say, my voice no longer a scream, but a defeated whimper. "No!" I couldn't find strength in my legs to leave him, nor the strength in my arms to take him with. I swallowed back another body wracking sob, begging him to wake up. Begging him to kiss me and tell me to stop squirming so much in my sleep. I prayed to every god I could think of, pleading with whoever was watching to let me wake up from this horrible nightmare. I tried shaking his shoulders, but he was limp, dead weight. He was gone. "Wh-why?" I breathed, unable to escape what was torturing me.

I must have spent hours there, laying with Eren, because when I looked up again, the bright grey sky was a thick black. It was night time, and Eren's body was growing stiff, his arms and legs significantly colder than they had been. I knew I had to go. I knew I had to find Hanji, if she was still alive. Pulling away, looking at him in the dark, he almost looked like he could wake up. I knew I was blowing smoke. Pulling his eyelids closed and kicking the gun from his hands, I placed a final kiss on his cool cheek. Running my fingertips gently along his jawline, I saw his old house key on a chain around his neck. He had kept it as a memento when the virus first broke out all those months ago. I took it from his neck, putting it around my own. I knew this would kill me. I needed to leave a physical piece of myself with him as well, a promise to myself that I would see him again. Reaching around my neck, I took my dog tag off, running my thumb along the old stainless steel.

_ Ackerman , Levi. _

"Eren, I love you."

_ Marine. _

"I have to go now," I whispered, locking his fingers around the small piece of metal.

_ O - Negative _

"I'm sorry I couldn't protect you. I wish I could have saved you, or I wish I could have died instead."

_ No Preference. _

"I'll see you later, Eren." I stood and started to slowly trudge away, almost completely missing his video camera. Turning and looking one final time at him, I saw the camera at his feet with a folded receipt resting on it. Walking back over to it, I crouched down and pick up the device and the note. 

"Levi, take this," it read. I tried to picture his voice in my head, reading it to me. "I love you."

"Levi!" Hanji exclaims, whipping their head around to face me. "Levi! We made it! Look! It's the military! We're at a checkpoint!" I look past them and sure enough, there's a security checkpoint with several armed soldiers waiting at the gate, checking the short line of people for infection before waving them into the City of Los Angeles. Hanji is saved. Me, on the other hand. I shake my head and force a smile.

"You really did make it, huh?" I mutter, grinning weakly at them.

" _ We, _ " they correct me, but I shake my head. I was still in Logan, lying with a dead teenager in a forgotten mall.

"You're right. We made it. And I'm so proud of you." I do what I can to reassure them, but my mind is completely made up. I'm not leaving the states. I'm not leaving Eren.


	34. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kay!! Its the end guys!! hope you liked it. Even though the quality of work isn't my best, the story in and of itself is still probably my favorite thing I've write. Mental illness runs in my family, so sometimes it's nice to write dark things every once in a while.

Los Angeles is much like how I expected it to be, crowded with terrified people, each one lucky to have their own lives. We all swarm the docks, awaiting the incoming boat ride to freedom. The last boat ride to freedom. It is approaching our docs, a Japanese flag waving on the pole, flapping in the wind.

I look towards Hanji, who has a knowing look in their eyes. They know what I plan on doing. I could never keep anything from them, despite my countless efforts.

"Levi," they finally speak, breaking the tense silence between us. "You're not getting on the boat, are you?"

I shake my head slowly, confirming their fears. I'm not getting on the last boat out. I'm doomed to die in the city of Angels. "I can't leave him," is my only excuse.

"I wish things were different." They know they can't stop me from staying. Staying in the land that killed my only real love. The love of my life.

"I do, too," I whisper, my voice hoarse from lack of use. I can't remember the last time I had spoken. It had probably been days. I hadn't said a word since we made it into the city, it seemed. They gently take my hand, squeezing it a single time, as a silent farewell.

"Love you, Shorty," they announce softly, looking at me through cracked glasses.

"Love you too. I actually, uh, nabbed something for you. In St. George. Now I'm not one to get involved in, ah, that sort of thing." I card a hand through my hair nervously, uncomfortable with the subject matter I am bringing up. I push forward. "But as a parting gift, I guess. And I don't want you binding with bandages. It's bad for your ribcage. I went looking for one while you were asleep. Found one in somebody's house. Not on a body. Don't worry. I sanitized it, too. Lavender is antibacterial, ya know." I rifle through my bag, looking for what I intend to give them. "And I'm sorry if it's the wrong size. But I want you to have one." I pull out the binder from my backpack, looking like an intense forest green sports bra. I hand it to Hanji who is about to cry. "It looked about right."

"Want me to try it on?" They grin at me, a wild look in their eyes as they wiggle their eyebrows suggestively at me.

"And give everyone in that line that happens to have a penis an instant boner? No thanks. They'd probably still detain you for indecent exposure."

"Levi, how badly are you trying to break my heart?" They pull me into a quick embrace. "Thank you."

When Hanji pulls back, I nod at them. "Yeah. Of course. Broke my heart that you were using bandages."

"And thanks for getting me here safely," they sigh, poking the ground with the toe of their boot.

"Of course."

"Is this the last time I'm gonna see you?" Hanji asks with a steady voice, despite the tears welling up in their eyes. "You know this is the last ship, right?"

"Yeah, Shitty Glasses, it probably is. My time's kinda up," I answered solemnly. "I know it's the last ship."

"Gimme a hug before I go. I'm gonna miss you," Hanji says softly, trying not to cry. They always felt like they had to be strong. I open my arms half-heartedly and they fall into them. They can't contain their tears. "I can't say goodbye," they weep.

"Well then, I'll see you later," I murmur into their hair. Their body is shaking. "In the next round," I chuckle.

"Yeah," they whisper, squeezing onto me tighter, twisting their fists into the fabric of my jacket.

"You wanna know where I found him?" I ask, hugging them tighter to me. Hanji looks down at me, a question in their wide brown eyes.

"Where?"

"Bath and Body Works." Hanji gasped quietly, knowing the implications of my simple answer. The brat had been looking for lotion for Hanji.

"I'll stay with you, if you want."

"No, I can't do that to you. You need to go, Hanji. Go start a life for yourself. Meet a good partner that'll take care of you forever, and forget any of this even happened. Get out of this damned place. Go get in line before the boat leaves," I instruct, pulling away from my old friend for the last time.

They trudge over to the end of the last line out of the country. They shoot me a teary grin and blow me a kiss as I turn around and walk back into the empty city. Once so full of life, Los Angeles is now nothing but a memory. A ghost of a dream that was never realized. I climb to the top of a nearby building with a bottle of Grey Goose and Jean's old pistol and watch as the last ship leaves the harbor. I'm completely alone.

"Goodbye, Hanji," I whisper to myself, and to the ship containing my best friend, carting them off to some foreign land, giving them a crack at freedom. The plague will be nothing but a bad dream to them once they're safe with a warm bed to sleep on and a good person to share their life with. I take a swig of the bitter vodka and pull Eren's camera out for the last time. I have to watch his last video before it dies. I turn it on, the flashing low battery symbol greeting me as I select his final video.

_ "I- I've been bitten. We were raiding a mall, and the bastard got my hand," Eren said, fear and depression mixing in his voice. "Fuck, it hurts. It really stings, like a scrape, but worse. Like, a lot worse." He took a deep breath, trying to focus himself. "I managed to kill him, though." Eren panned the camera over towards the corpse of an infected man riddled with bullets. He chuckled darkly."I kinda got aggressive when I realized he got me. Hopefully he forgives me. But, I can't do this to Levi. I can't just wait around for this disease to drive me crazy, so I'm gonna talk to Levi, since he'll probably find this when I'm gone. _

_ "Levi, I'm gonna miss you. I want to thank you for the best year of my life. I want you to know that as forward as this is gonna sound, I was really hoping for a lot more of them, but I'm grateful for what I got, as it is. As much as I hate to admit it, I have come to love our late night math class. Not because I love math. You don't get that much credit, but I love the way your eyes light up when I finally understand something. I love the look you get on your face when I say something stupid. The little eyebrow thing that you do; you know what I'm talkin' about. I love the sound of your voice. It's always made me feel safe, even before all this virus nonsense. I love the feeling of your hand holding mine. I love kissing you. I love snuggling up next to you after a bad day. I love you. I love you so much. You're the reason I made it this far. You're my whole universe. You have to keep pushing through this. _

_ "Don't blame yourself. This isn't your fault. Know that I don't blame you for what happened. You couldn't have known. You can't blame yourself for this, but I guess it's kinda too late for me to tell you this in person. I just can't believe it's over. I didn't think it was gonna end this way. God, it hurts so bad, like I can feel it burning my veins all the way up my arm. But, Levi, I love you. So much. I'm so scared that there's nothing after this. That this is it for us, but I can't think like that. I'll see you wherever we go to next. Please, tell me there's something after this. Please tell me I'll see you again. Goddamn, I'm not supposed to cry." Eren sniffed and wiped his eyes, revealing a deep, inflamed bite mark in his hand, blood oozing out of it and smearing on his face. "Levi, I have to go. I don't know how much longer I have, and I don't want you to find me all feral and bite-y. I love you more than anything," Eren said, directly into the camera, his jaded green eyes wide, the infection dilating his pupils. He brought his lips to the camera, giving the lens a quick kiss. Pulling back and smiling, he whispered, "Here's to forever," before shutting off the video. _

And it's over. I know what happened next. The final gunshot rang out and I found the person I loved more than anything else in the world dead in a Bath and Body Works with a bullet in his head and a note on his camera.

"Levi. Take this. I love you," The old receipt said, Eren's shitty handwriting scrawled across the back of it, forever burned into my memory, though the actual receipt had blown away with the lavender in Las Vegas.

I take a long drink of the Grey Goose, waiting for it all to go away, though I know it never will.

"I love you," I whisper to the camera, and the memory of the boy trapped inside.

"More than anything," I hear a quiet voice reply. Looking up with a quiet gasp, I can see him smiling back at me, his viridescent eyes bright and twinkling. He steps towards me, wearing the hoodie he wore to school every day without fail. "I love you so much." He crouches down and takes my hand, eyes not leaving mine. I feel at home with him with me. I can see something shiny on a chain around his neck. My dog tag.

"I miss you," I breathe, choking on my words as he brushes the hair out of my eyes.

"I know," he says sadly, pulling my weak, lifeless body into a tight hug. "I've missed you, too."

"I can't keep going, Eren. I really can't," I breathe, crying into his shoulder as he pets my hair. "I know you want me to, and I've tried but-"

"I know. I'm here now. I think it's time for you to come with me," Eren smiles, meeting his lips to mine, kissing me with warm, soft lips as I press the barrel of Jean's glock to my head. I close my eyes tightly and kiss him back, pulling the trigger as he grips the fabric of my shirt. I don't feel pain. Instead, I feel light, the gun slipping through my fingers as I follow the love of my life, the love of my entire existence off the edge of the building and into the rest of eternity, knowing that this time, it's forever.


End file.
